Author Topic: make someone laugh  (Read 138332 times)

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Offline DirtDawg

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #375 on: December 31, 2006, 07:59:37 AM »
CrazyBitch, you're just crazy.

I+You
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline Nomaken

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #376 on: December 31, 2006, 09:35:25 AM »
And as always, these are simply my worthless opinions.
Reverence is fine, Sanctity is silly.
We're all fucked, it helps to remember that.

GalileoAce

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #377 on: December 31, 2006, 02:06:53 PM »



Offline El

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it is well known that PMS Elle is evil.
I think you'd fit in a 12" or at least a 16" firework mortar
You win this thread because that's most unsettling to even think about.

Offline McGiver

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Misunderstood.

ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #380 on: January 06, 2007, 03:33:02 PM »
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes
of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and
are extremely good looking "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and
help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly
stand it"Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .
Fl! oor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help
with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and
have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited

ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #381 on: January 06, 2007, 03:35:53 PM »
>A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
>groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
>good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
>upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid
>eighties).
>
>The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a
>sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
>
>
>                  <><><><><><><>
>
>
>An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
>
>He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
>of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
>
>The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
>said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
>can hear again."
>
>The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around
>and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
>
>
>
>                     <><><><><><><> Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement
>center were sitting on a bench under a tree  when one turns to the other
>and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years  old now and I'm just full of aches and
>pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
>
>Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!?  Like a newborn
>baby!?" "Yep. No  hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~      Keep Reading
>
>A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
>getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good
>looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too
>well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
>"Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you
>want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"
>
>       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second
>one says,"No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a
>beer."
>
>       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
>me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
>"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
>
>         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
>days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
>young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris
>and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
>
>Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
>cheerful." "The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
>heart murmur; be careful."
>
>
>         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>                           and  finally
>
>
>A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
>himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he
>ordered a banana split.
>
>The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
>
>"No," he replied, "arthritis."


ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #382 on: January 06, 2007, 03:39:26 PM »
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.


Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.



Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.



A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.



A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.



Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.



A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.



A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.



An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.



A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.



A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!


ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #383 on: January 06, 2007, 03:42:05 PM »

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
 
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
 
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is

it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
 
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .       
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've sure gotten old!  I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes

scattered over Wal-Mart.
 
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
 
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Offline Callaway

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #384 on: January 06, 2007, 03:58:15 PM »
:LMAO:

+ Ozymandias

Offline El

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #385 on: January 06, 2007, 09:59:04 PM »
God bless you for those ozy.
it is well known that PMS Elle is evil.
I think you'd fit in a 12" or at least a 16" firework mortar
You win this thread because that's most unsettling to even think about.

Offline Lurk Hurk Gurk

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #386 on: January 06, 2007, 10:31:31 PM »
A very, very good Final Fantasy parody series of four parts I saw linked to on another forum:

.
.
.
.

Such things seldom get done particularly well, but this one was. The real filming fits in remarkably nicely. They got the stereotypical RPG-effects just right.

Offline McGiver

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #387 on: January 06, 2007, 11:18:59 PM »
Misunderstood.

Graelwyn

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #388 on: January 07, 2007, 10:44:14 AM »
Just a favourite of mine. Three men facing God....


God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can''t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You''re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

Offline El

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #389 on: January 07, 2007, 11:46:52 AM »


OMGWTFLOLLERSK8TZ!

+
it is well known that PMS Elle is evil.
I think you'd fit in a 12" or at least a 16" firework mortar
You win this thread because that's most unsettling to even think about.