Author Topic: make someone laugh  (Read 138370 times)

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ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2385 on: March 13, 2008, 05:00:21 PM »
NUDITY

 I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
 a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
 stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
 shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

 2) OPINIONS
 On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
 from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
 are not necessarily those of his parents."

 3) KETCHUP
 A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
 struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
 the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
 She's hitting the bottle."

 4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
 locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
 ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
 amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
 little boy before?"

 5) POLICE # 1
 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
 interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
 my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
 "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
 "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
 right?"
 "Yes, that's right," I told her.
 "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
 please tie my shoe?"

 6) POLICE # 2
 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
 station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
 and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
 there?" he asked.
 "It sure is," I replied.
 Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
 Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

 7) ELDERLY
 While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
 shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
 She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
 particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
 staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
 for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
 whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

 8) DRESS-UP
 A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
 her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
 suit."
 "And why not, darling?"
 "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

 9) DEATH
 While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
 heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
 Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
 box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal
 of the deceased.
 The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
 sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
 always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
 the hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)

 10) SCHOOL
 A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
 wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write,
 and they won't let me talk!"

 11) BIBLE
 A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
 fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
 Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
 old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
 "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
 "What have you got there, dear?"
 With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's underwear!"

Offline odeon

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2386 on: March 14, 2008, 01:35:18 AM »
 :plus:
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

duncvis

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2387 on: March 14, 2008, 12:21:24 PM »

ozymandias

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Offline Al Swearegen

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2389 on: March 15, 2008, 08:57:52 AM »
 :plus: :plus:

I had a Raphael Saul on the phone the other day, who identified himself as "R.Saul..........don't laugh".
I2 today is not i2 of yesteryear. It is a knitting circle. Those that participate be they nice or asshats know their place and the price to be there. Odeon is the overlord

.Benevolent if you toe the line.

Think it is I2 of old? Even Odeon is not so delusional as to think otherwise. He may on occasionally pretend otherwise but his base is that knitting circle.

Censoring/banning/restricting/moderating myself, Calanadale & Scrapheap were all not his finest moments.

How to apologise to Scrap

GalileoAce

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2390 on: March 15, 2008, 11:17:08 PM »

Offline odeon

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2391 on: March 16, 2008, 04:24:52 PM »
:laugh: :plus:
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Persona

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2392 on: March 16, 2008, 11:15:32 PM »

Offline Calandale

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2393 on: March 16, 2008, 11:28:15 PM »
I miss those. Haven't seen them in years, since
I left an area where the free rag printed them.

Offline Peter

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2394 on: March 17, 2008, 06:24:22 AM »
Quote
14:10 - Moarskrillex42: She said something about knowing why I wanted to move to Glasgow when she came in. She plopped down on my bed and told me to go ahead and open it for her.

14:11 - Peter5930: So, she thought I was your lover and that I was sending you a box full of sex toys, and that you wanted to move to Glasgow to be with me?

Offline vodz

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2395 on: March 17, 2008, 08:36:32 AM »
This brain could do with some more dimethyltryptamine.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? "I don't know and I don't care."

ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2396 on: March 19, 2008, 04:12:07 PM »
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU



   Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.



   Please select from the following options menu:



   If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.



   If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.



   If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.  (Hello Ginseng boy) 



   If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.   (Hello, bluejay boy)



   If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.   (Hello ginseng and bluejay boy)



   If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will

   tell you which number to press.                                            (so many choices so little time)



   If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.   (See above)



   If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.   (That is just about everyone here)



   If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before    the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.   (See above)



   If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  (Hello me!)



   If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.  ( see above)



   If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.   (Insert name here..................................)



   If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.    (see above)



   This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

   You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable

   person to show you care.



   Well, my job is done .....Your turn  (Happy sanity.............or not!)  :P
« Last Edit: March 19, 2008, 04:16:59 PM by ozymandias »

Offline El

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2397 on: March 20, 2008, 01:20:17 PM »
How 'bout if you are premenstrual?
it is well known that PMS Elle is evil.
I think you'd fit in a 12" or at least a 16" firework mortar
You win this thread because that's most unsettling to even think about.

ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2398 on: March 20, 2008, 02:04:32 PM »
How 'bout if you are premenstrual?

WHO ASKED YOU ANYWAY???  JUST PUSH ANY FUCKING BUTTON!  OK?  GOT THAT!

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2399 on: March 20, 2008, 08:21:26 PM »
 :zoinks:
"Eat it up.  Wear it out.  Make it do or do without." 

'People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.'
George Bernard Shaw