Polygamy

[El]

Let's hear your thoughts, pro and con.  It came up tangentially on the gay marriage thread and deserves a thread of its own.  I'm interested.

[Callaway]

For most situations, I have the atitude that I should just mind my own business and not try to interfere with sexual decisions mutually made by consenting adults.

For some polygamous marriages the problem is, how can one know that all parties concerned entered the arrangement of their own free wills?  Some of the polygamous marriages that happen in the Fundamentalist Mormon offshoot of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints involve underage females who are given as a kind of "prize" to some older high ranking male members of the church who already have several wives and some of the young women are coerced into this arrangement.  One example was a sixteen year old girl who was severely beaten by her father for not agreeing to marry his brother, her uncle, and she ran away.  That's just so wrong on so many levels that it makes me sick.

I know in some African countries, the Moslem men take on more wives despite the objections of their first wives, because they can't even afford to support their children with the first wife, let alone support the children of the second and third wives, so then all the mothers of the children are left to try to support their children alone. 

[Peter]

For most situations, I have the atitude that I should just mind my own business and not try to interfere with sexual decisions mutually made by consenting adults.

For some polygamous marriages the problem is, how can one know that all parties concerned entered the arrangement of their own free wills?  Some of the polygamous marriages that happen in the Fundamentalist Mormon offshoot of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints involve underage females who are given as a kind of "prize" to some older high ranking male members of the church who already have several wives and some of the young women are coerced into this arrangement.  One example was a sixteen year old girl who was severely beaten by her father for not agreeing to marry his brother, her uncle, and she ran away.  That's just so wrong on so many levels that it makes me sick.

I know in some African countries, the Moslem men take on more wives despite the objections of their first wives, because they can't even afford to support their children with the first wife, let alone support the children of the second and third wives, so then all the mothers of the children are left to try to support their children alone. 

How can one know that people enter monogamous marriages of their own free will?  I don't see any reason why polygamy would be more problematic in that respect than monogamy, and if there's a high instance of forced polygamous marriage, it's almost certainly because of other issues in the cultures that have polygamous marriage, rather than an effect of the polygamous marriage itself.  In a culture where women are given away as prizes, the problem isn't that polygamy exists in that culture, but that women are viewed as tradeable assets.  In such a culture, replacing polygamy with monogamy would just result in forced monogamous marriage rather than forced polygamous marriage.

[Callaway]

How can one know that people enter monogamous marriages of their own free will?  I don't see any reason why polygamy would be more problematic in that respect than monogamy, and if there's a high instance of forced polygamous marriage, it's almost certainly because of other issues in the cultures that have polygamous marriage, rather than an effect of the polygamous marriage itself.  In a culture where women are given away as prizes, the problem isn't that polygamy exists in that culture, but that women are viewed as tradeable assets.  In such a culture, replacing polygamy with monogamy would just result in forced monogamous marriage rather than forced polygamous marriage.

That's a good point, Peter.

I do think that in some polygamous cultures, women or girls are regarded as prizes and a man with more wives is more highly regarded than a man with only one wife in those cultures.  I think that higher regard for males with multiple wives may be an integral part of many polygamous cultures.

[ozymandias]

The thing is if you can't support one wife and kid(s) properly, why multiply the problem!  The Mormons base their views on Old Testament lifestyles, when the cultural norm was to have multiple wives.  It was expected of Kings, Chiefs and prominent citizens to do so as a sign of higher status.  Also for Kings and Rulers, many of their wives were used to solidify alliances with other kings.  Most "peasants" or regular citizens could not afford to do this.  With rare exceptions where multiple wives and children could help with the farm chores, but, that was only if you were a wealthy farmer.

Most Mormon polygamous sects that I have read about have the women doing most of the supporting by working jobs and the man acts like some sort of religious "elder".

An interesting book, I read had an entire chapter devoted to one town that was mostly a polygamous family.  "Miles from Nowhere" by Dayton Duncan.  VIKING PRESS  It's a great read about the least populated counties in the US, places that still qualify as "frontier" status.

[Nomaken]

Put a caviat in the marriage agreement about under what conditions who is allowed to marry who, and who is allowed to sleep with who, and the rest is private decisions made by consenting adults.  Only problems i'd forsee is that it would make marriage litigation more complicated, and it would make a whole bunch of divorce lawyers obscenely rich.

[Calandale]

I fundamentally believe that the number three has mystical properties.
I mix this in with my own desires for more than one woman. One of my
major arguments for this is that it is often the case that one member of
a relationship is incapable of providing the support and comfort which
another might need, at a given moment. The chances of finding someone
capable of handling emotional needs increases with the size of the partnership.
HOWEVER, there is a definite limit to the number of people that I would be
comfortable with in such a relationship. I know (from experience) that three
works well - I would be willing to try four, if I were bi, but I don't really think
that the proper balance would necessarily be maintained with three females.

 

[Pyraxis]

What, all the gender blurring in your online persona, and it turns out you're totally straight? Don't you care that you're missing out on half a world of possibilities?

Another advantage to three - when two of them are fighting, number three's always there to play mediator.

[El]

What, all the gender blurring in your online persona, and it turns out you're totally straight? Don't you care that you're missing out on half a world of possibilities?

Another advantage to three - when two of them are fighting, number three's always there to play mediator.

You gotta pity the mediator.

I could never live in a marriage where there was another man and a woman and I had to mediate.  I'd wind up thinking of them as my parents.

[Nomaken]

Hahahaha

[Pyraxis]

You gotta pity the mediator.

I could never live in a marriage where there was another man and a woman and I had to mediate.  I'd wind up thinking of them as my parents.

I don't think it would bother me. But then I kind of like playing mediator. Probably because it was never forced onto me.

[Calandale]

What, all the gender blurring in your online persona, and it turns out you're totally straight? Don't you care that you're missing out on half a world of possibilities?

Yeah, I do. I also worry that I should like women who aren't fairly thin. Not much I can do
about my aesthetics. Tried with a male once (in a group thing), didn't do much for me.

I happen to be very feminine in a lot of ways. Though it's kind of hard to express just
what they are. Flamboyance in clothing choice, sensitivity, passive-aggressive, a lot of
things which are often seen as more feminine.

As to a mediator, I would hope for another relationship WITHOUT conflict. My wife and
I never fought after the first year or two.

[ozymandias]

I can barely deal with one woman, dealing with several.............. ...................

[Calandale]

I can barely deal with one woman, dealing with several.............. ...................

Ah, but that's part of the charm. They can deal with one another too. Takes some of the burden
off. In some ways, it's sort of the answer to not having large social networks - to have more
closer friends. But, there are aspects of my life that I wouldn't share with people whom I'm
not intimate with.

[ozymandias]

I'd rather live as a hermit in the Mountains of New Mexico or on the slopes of Mt. St. Helens than having to deal with more than one wife!  Actually there's some interesting activity going around "Middle Sister" of the Three Sisters Volcano area.    Yeah, that's the ticket!