Resume bloopers (and yes I know there is an accent on the second e in resume, but my keyboard doesn't have it.)
Cover Notes Gone Awry
• One cover note meant to apologize for any inconvenience, but instead they said "Sorry for any incontinence." Oh, yes, I bet you are.
•Another said "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." Well, OK, if you insist.
It's Not Hard to Read Between the Lines
•The person who boasted "I am loyal to my employer at all costs," and then closed their note with "Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail" must not understand the meaning of loyalty.
•"Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." I recognize that there could be totally legitimate reasons for so many jobs, like ongoing consulting work, but this sentence just screams "I got fired! Over and over!" doesn't it?
•"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." Do you now? Well, if you'd like a salary commensurate with your ability to choose the right word, you won't be making much, and I'm sure there are plenty of people who would commiserate with you about that.
•"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet programs." Oh my. Some of my favorite people are terrible spellers but you can't market your computer skills if you can't spell computer. I don't even know what to say about lurnt.
•"Criminal record: I have no felonies." Ah, good, then that just leaves the misdemeanors then, right?
Somehow Your Education Doesn't Impress Me
•"I am most proudest of my 3.93 GPA and organize skills." I'd love to see what school that degree came from.
•"Completed 11 years of high school." Which makes you the oldest high school student on the planet.
•"Graduated from Havrad University with a Masters Degree." One thing I know about Ivy League people is that they know how to spell the name of their school. And their degree.
•"Graduated in the top 70% of my class." This is the kind of information where your mom's rule applies: If you can't say anything nice (or impressive in this case), then don't say anything at all.
Are you sure that's something to be proud of?
•Then there was the executive who"Led the Day-to-Day Execution of 450 People and all Their Associated Work." I would think we would have read about this in the news.
•Sometimes a single letter can change the whole meaning of a sentence. "Instrumental for ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." If that were true, I don't think you'd be bragging about it.
•Another in the same vein was "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." Actually, there are probably a few financial wheeler-dealer criminal types who might be able to say that, but I'm pretty sure they'd never admit it.
•"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." OK, I've gotten some great sales awards in my career, but the plague? No thanks.
•"Very experienced with out-house computers." I am still not certain what this person meant but I am pretty sure that anyone who has an outhouse probably doesn't care much about putting a computer in it.
•"Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget." Here's a hint: employers like if you come in under budget.
I'm not sure you understand the meaning of the word.
•"Bi-lingual in three languages." I wonder if they also ride a bicycle with three wheels.
•"Detale-Oriented." Except when it comes to spelling.
•"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." No never never, not me me.
I can't tell If this is too much information or too little.
•"Hobbies: Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians." I'm wondering if they taste different.
•"Hobbies: Hearing songs." At least they didn't say "hearing voices."
•"Personal Interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." Giving blood is a good thing. Keeping count and calling it a personal interest is creepy.
My friend Lise manages a big medical services center, and over the years she has shared some of the funniest resume bloopers she's seen from job applicants:
•One applicant, who had previously been a Certified Nurses' Aide described her job duties as: "Dispensed medication and passed out." Hmmm, not quite the kind of work ethic they were looking for.
•When Lise was hiring a part-time childcare worker for one of their programs, one person skipped the resume entirely and sent a one-line note that said: "Will I be forced to change diapers?"
•Another person sent her resume with an email signature that had a link to her MySpace page, which was wallpapered with repeated photos of joints (the smokable kind, not the creaky-knee kind).
•And then there was the person who didn't want to bother to type out her whole title, so she abbreviated it. Unfortunately, she didn't know the proper abbreviation of Assistant is Asst., and so her resume said she was the Ass. Manager. As Lise said, don't assign yourself that title unless you mean it.
Lots of people include inappropriate information, like one I saw this week who had put "Married father of five" on his resume, right next to his date of birth. I have nothing against mature married parents, but I can't select a candidate who doesn't know what's appropriate in business.
Some personal information can be helpful, but the wrong kind in the wrong way will backfire. CareerBuilder compiled a list of 12 Odd Resume Inclusions that has some truly what-were-they-thinking bloopers.
•Three of the twelve were about bizarre attachments; one candidate attached a letter from her mother, another included their family medical history, and a woman included a photo of herself in a cheerleading uniform.
•One applicant explained his three-month unemployment period by saying he was getting over the death of his cat.
•And then there was the job seeker who admitted being arrested in his application, but tried to make it OK by saying. "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig." All righty, then.
Typos can create missteps that change everything. One recruiter posted at The HR Recruiting Alert about getting a resume that seemed to leave an all-important letter "f" out of the word "shift" which makes a big difference if your job title was Shift Supervisor. Oops.
I got some real belly laughs from Empire College's list, which included these gems:
•Objective: Seeking a party-time position with room for advancement
•Achievement: Planned new corporate facility at $3M over budget
•Skills: I am a rabid typist
•Language Skills: Exposure to German for two years but many words are inappropriate for business
And a cover note that I love because I've had people say this, in one way or another, more times than I can count:
•Please disregard the attached resume; it's totally outdated.
