make someone laugh

[enronh]

Fetal Heart Custody!

 

[DirtDawg]

Too true to actually be funny ...



Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)


The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC , 20510


Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill ' s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I ' m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ' in-state ' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver ' s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.


If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.


Your Loyal Constituent,


Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

[DirtDawg]

 A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window..

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?' 
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are aski ng for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and Set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?' 

 

   
'About a gallon.

[Peter]

News themes parody:



Magic roundabout parody:

[El]

[ozymandias]

Spread the Stupidity
           
 Only in America .do drugstores make the sick walk all
 the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
 while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
           
Only in America .do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
           
Only in America .do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
           
Only in America .do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
           
Only in America .do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
           
 Only in America .do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
           
Only in America .do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
           
 EVER WONDER:  Why the sun lightens our hair,  but darkens our skin ?
           
 Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
           
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
          
 Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
           
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
           
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
           
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
         
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
           
           
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
           
           
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
           
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections ?
 
           
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
           
 Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
           
 Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
           
           
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
           
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?





 

[vodz]

News themes parody:



Magic roundabout parody:

Just checked out tickets for Bill Baileys Australian tour next month; they are $80!

Hopefully they will have student rush.

[El]

Second one's my favorite of course.

[GalileoAce]

Inspired by something renaeden said

[Alex179]

Nude women wrestling (got it off another forum).   I really was surprised at the site.

http://www.ultimatesurrender.com/site/shoots.jsp?c=2

[ozymandias]

Nude women wrestling (got it off another forum).   I really was surprised at the site.

http://www.ultimatesurrender.com/site/shoots.jsp?c=2

You haven't been around the internet long, have you!!??   

[Parts]

 

[Peter]

http://notalwaysright.com/

[Peter]

Childhood Dream, Meet Retail Nightmare
Fabric Store | Los Angeles, CA

(We often get fashion design students in our store to get samples of fabric for school projects.)

Student: “Can I get some swatches? I go to the *** fashion school and need them for a class project.”

Me: “No problem. That’s the school I went to.”

Student: “Oh, cool! What do you do now?”

Me: “… I work here.”

Student: *their dreams crush before my eyes*

Like A Dog Chasing Its Own Tail
Shoe Store | Ottawa, ON, Canada

Customer: “Do you have this shoe in a size 6? My son needs a size six.”

Me: “Ahh… no, I’m sorry. It seems we’re all out of that size.”

Customer: “But, there’s a size six right there.”

(She points to a shoe that is a completely different style.)

Me: “Yes, but that’s a different style shoe. We stock them alphabetically on the riser, but on the shelves we show them by price.”

Customer: “Just give me that six, then!”

Me: “Sure thing.” *hands her the box*

Customer: “This isn’t the shoe I wanted.”

Me: “I know. Even though I just told you that we are out of size six in the style you wanted, you still asked to see this one.”

Customer: “I don’t want this one. Put it back.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “What about this style shoe?”

Me: “Unfortunately, there aren’t any size sixes left in that style either.”

Customer: “But there’s a six RIGHT THERE.”

(Note that she is pointing to the box I JUST put back.)

Me: “That is a different shoe style, and you already looked at that EXACT box.”

Customer: “JUST GET ME THAT SIX!”

Me: “Okay.” *hands her the box*

Customer: “This isn’t the style that I wanted!”

Me: “…”

[Alex179]

Nude women wrestling (got it off another forum).   I really was surprised at the site.

http://www.ultimatesurrender.com/site/shoots.jsp?c=2

You haven't been around the internet long, have you!!??   

I have been using the internet since 1995 or so.   I was surprised that people would pay to watch ugly women wrestle naked, and how organized this thing is.