Author Topic: make someone laugh  (Read 123162 times)

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duncvis

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2070 on: January 26, 2008, 05:44:09 PM »
DD  :plus: and  :plus: for the next few times I remember. Some I've heard before, some I hadn't. Most were funny as fuck.  :lol:

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Offline El

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2072 on: January 27, 2008, 02:59:25 PM »
DirtDawg...  I think I love you.

(Well, saying  :plus: seemed inadeqauet for as a response to the vast amounts of funny shit he posted.)
it is well known that PMS Elle is evil.
I think you'd fit in a 12" or at least a 16" firework mortar
You win this thread because that's most unsettling to even think about.

ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2073 on: January 27, 2008, 04:44:24 PM »
Good stuff  :plus:  I see I'm not the only one who collects humor of all types!   :laugh:

Offline Dexter Morgan

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2074 on: January 27, 2008, 10:38:54 PM »

Offline Tristeza

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2075 on: January 28, 2008, 11:35:43 AM »
Thanks for the laughs, DirtDawg!  I loved those.   :plus: :plus:
hats off to the man on top of the world
come crawl up here baby, and we can watch this damn thing turn

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2076 on: January 28, 2008, 08:13:06 PM »

Wow!
Thanks, guys. I have a couple more for you ...




Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to modern science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 98 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 322.

These 322 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which would normally take less than a second to take anytime from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which some of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange positions.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes, which causes even further attraction to ever more peons.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the critical morass.

When catalyzed with taxpayer's money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has roughly half as many peons but more than twice as many morons.
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2077 on: January 28, 2008, 08:18:28 PM »
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's' father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor pains progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman on the porch, dead.



Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2078 on: January 28, 2008, 08:23:16 PM »
She had finally accepted the fact that her marriage was over and spent the first day with her newfound resolve packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, all alone,  put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ................. including the curtain rods.









Don't you love a happy ending!

Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Online Calandale

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2079 on: January 28, 2008, 09:51:35 PM »
I think you posted that last one before.
Someone did here.

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2080 on: January 28, 2008, 11:30:32 PM »

Sorry.

I'll ditch it if so.

It does sound a little like a PMS Elle joke doesn't it?
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Online Calandale

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2081 on: January 29, 2008, 12:36:10 AM »
No need to kill it, some people
haven't waded through all the old
stuff, I'm sure.


Offline Dexter Morgan

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2082 on: January 29, 2008, 05:27:27 PM »

Online Calandale

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2083 on: January 29, 2008, 09:19:09 PM »

Offline renaeden

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #2084 on: January 30, 2008, 05:17:16 AM »
 :laugh:
Mildly Cute in a Retarded Way
Tek'ma'tae