make someone laugh

[El]

Too obvious, I say, boy in front row, red shirt... 

the kid with the glasses.

i don't get it.  it looks like he was adjusting his glasses on his nose and as he was pulling his hand away they snapped the photo.
i mean, he doesn't have a guilty look on his face.

+ for awesome lyingness.

[driftingblizzard]

 

Too obvious, I say, boy in front row, red shirt... 

the kid with the glasses.

i don't get it.  it looks like he was adjusting his glasses on his nose and as he was pulling his hand away they snapped the photo.
i mean, he doesn't have a guilty look on his face.

 

[DirtDawg]

This is not a joke, but I had to laugh, anyway. Be sure to watch the video demo of this elegant item. I guess when your fish die you don't have to go far to dispose of them.

Fish 'n Flush



*jaw jutting forward, like Brando's "The Godfather" *

I shit with the fishes.


(Don't some fish species have really sensitive tympanic membranes? This thing must be a nightmare for them.)

[Peter]

.

[ozymandias]

Never saw that coming!

[DirtDawg]

I was a little disheartened when it said I should spit.

I'm not a cocksucker, but if I was, then in an effort to do a really good job, I would swallow.
 

[purposefulinsanity]

I was a little disheartened when it said I should spit.

I'm not a cocksucker, but if I was, then in an effort to do a really good job, I would swallow.
 

I'm with Dirtdawg I thought the spitting was a terrible suggestion 

[purposefulinsanity]

To the front page!

[DirtDawg]

I like this for a bump:


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.   

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."   

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.   

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.   

She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability."

[purposefulinsanity]

 

[DirtDawg]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.


     Your loving wife.


     P.S. Your girlfriend called.

[Callaway]

[Peter]

Do i look fat in this?

Man Answer: no.
Man Meaning: i dont care.

or

Man Answer: Yes.
Man Meaning: never ask me that question again.


Do you find her attractive?

Man Answer: of course not.
Man Meaning: yes, but i like my testicles attached to my body...


Why dont you find her attractive. i think she's better looking that me. dont you?

Man Answer: no. i like comley women... that is... er...
Man Meaning: i think she's fantastic, but she wont sleep with me, she's too fit... that is to say you will and thats why i love you... oh shit, i'm dead now arent i?


Shall we go to my mothers this weekend?

Man Answer: Sorry love, the car's playing up/i'm dying/i'm dead.
Man Meaning: the footy's on, and she's a cow.

[ozymandias]

These are charting mistakes published in a nursing magazine;

"The patient had had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

Patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

Patient refused autopsy.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

I'll be happy to go into her gastrointestinal system; she seems ready and anxious.

Patient was admitted through the emergency department.  I examined her on the floor.

By the time she was admitted to the hospital, her rapid heart had stopped and she was feeling much better.

While in the emergency department, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room.

Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid. 

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989, when she got a divorce.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Patient was to have a bowel resection.  However he tooka job as a stockborker instead.

Patient complains of indigestion since last night when he ate a stake.

Patient was in his usual state of good health until his plane ran out of gas and crashed.

Examination reveals a well developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

[ozymandias]

More charting errors:

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

Indwelling urinary catheter draining clear yellow roses.

Examination of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

Indwelling urinary catheter draining large amount of urine the color of American beer.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.  (This is actually an eye exam, but somebody was obviously focussed on something else.)

The test indicates abnormal lover function.

Discharge status: alive, but without permission.

Because she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you'd like to work her up.

I saw your patient today, who is under our car for physical therapy.

The baby was delivered; the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

She is numb from her toes down.

Healthy appearing, decrepit 69-year old female, mentally alert, but forgetful.