My ask away thread

[purposefulinsanity]

Do you think that life is purpose?

what i mean is, do you think that we are all placed here individually for a specific purpose or do you think that most people are meant to simply eke out an existence?

and don't get me wrong i am not talking about money, i am talking about living, not just being.

I believe we all have some kind of purpose, but I also believe that life is for living and shouldn't be all serious.   I have spent many hours trying to find my purpose in life, tying myself up in knots mentally and I still don't have a clue what it is I'm supposed to do with my life.  At the moment I'm trying to focus on being a good parent and bringing my kids up to think for themselves, but as they get older I know the need to find purpose will become more pressing.

I read what you said on Dunc's thread about moving onto the next thing before the first one is complete and that just sums up my life.   I have left: a teaching degree; a part-time child hood studies degree and a midwifery degree (twice)- partly my leaving was to do with life getting in the way, but I know deep down I could have struggled to work out the difficulties, I'm just too scared of being a failure so I give up way too easily.  I admit that my chronic shyness and low-level agoraphobia play a part in my decisions to leave things, but I know there is always the little voice in my head saying 'you're not good enough for this' that no amount of good marks can shut up. 
   Another part of the problem is that despite my responsibilities I struggle to think of myself as a real person- a lot of the time I have this underlying feeling that I'm not really real- it can help me deal with the shit life throws at me sometimes because it can  feel like none of it is real anyway, but at other times the shit just reinforces this idea that I'm not a real person.  I'm sure none of this makes sense but its the best I can do.

[McGiver]

it makes perfect sense.

but for me i struggle with the idea that i am not worthy, based upon past deeds.  i never felt like i am not good enough, because i know that i can do anything that i put my mind to.  my issue is more about entitlement, i guess.

for instance:

i look at my kids and i know that they love me and i have shown them love.  also i know that i have taught them the best that i know how.  but i always feel like they deserve better than what they got stuck with for a dad.  i look at my wife the same way.
but i don't beat them, i try to act encouraging. i tell them i love em, i make time for them.
my problem is that ever since i talked about how i used to self loathe, it seems like it all has come rushing back.  instant images flashing before my eyes (in my head), rapid sequences of memories.  the old feelings.
now it seems that i am caught in flux between who i was, who i am and who i intend to be.

now i know that this doesn't make sense, but its the best i got right now as my introspection has dulled my thought process.

[purposefulinsanity]

No, I get that, I never feel good enough either.  I try to be a good partner and parent but I constantly feel that they all deserve someone better.  I have moments when I can see that I shouldn't feel that way, but a lot of the time I take every little fault or issue and blow it up out of all proportion in my head.  For example- I get a migraine so I have to go to bed for an hour or so, logically I know I can't help that and that they are being well looked after, but it makes me feel like the worst mother ever.


I think the idea of not being a real person has two meanings to me- not real in the sense that I'm almost imaginary and not real in the sense that I'm a substandard person.  And in what proportions I feel a mix of the two varies.

[McGiver]

somewhere on these forums shima described her experiences with NPD.  i am not sure if that is what you are talking about but maybe you can ask her som questions.  i do know that she used to be a moderator at a NPD forum.  and that she knows alot on the subject.

maybe ask her some questions in her ask away thread.  that might be a decent ice breaker.

at least i think its called NPD, i am positive that the symptoms seem similar.

also triste was beginning to talk about something that is the opposite of hedonism.  i cannot remember what its called, but its something like a person who cannot get satisfaction, and cannot feel excitement, or similar.

[Callaway]

It was not NPD, it was DPD or Depersonalization Disorder, I believe.

http://www.intensitysquared.com/index.php?topic=911.msg25321#msg25321

[purposefulinsanity]

Thanks you two- I think I've looked at that part of myself enough for today, am in a good mood (which is probably be the only reason I was able to post about that stuff in the first place) and I know I won't be if I look much deeper into it.

[McGiver]

PI, i respect you.

[purposefulinsanity]

PI, i respect you.

Since I am in a good mood today I almost believe you (the almost part is my fault btw not yours).

[McGiver]

its mine also.  i know it is. 
i don't really feel compelled to explain why i think so. we both know why.

but i do.  both you and dunc.  i respect you.

[purposefulinsanity]

its mine also.  i know it is. 
i don't really feel compelled to explain why i think so. we both know why.

Yeah, we do.  But I think we're starting to get somewhere with that recently.

[Lucifer]

PI, why oh why oh why oh why did you have to have THAT picture of HIM as your new avatar?  i m now so distracted, i can hardly remember what the fuck i was reading in the thread.   drool, dribble, squelch (and some of that's from my mouth  ).

[purposefulinsanity]

PI, why oh why oh why oh why did you have to have THAT picture of HIM as your new avatar?  i m now so distracted, i can hardly remember what the fuck i was reading in the thread.   drool, dribble, squelch (and some of that's from my mouth  ).

Cos I kinda like being pleasantly distracted   

[Lucifer]

gooooooood point.

and, let's face it, i'm not sure there's anything very much i don't want to be distracted from on here, at the mo... 

[purposefulinsanity]

For some reason I also find this one incredibly distracting 

[peegai]

Johnny Depp rules.