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Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 16243 times)

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #840 on: May 03, 2019, 10:29:47 AM »
The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

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Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #841 on: May 04, 2019, 01:53:03 AM »
 :lol1:
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"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #842 on: May 16, 2019, 09:39:23 AM »
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:  "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:  "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #843 on: May 16, 2019, 11:15:20 AM »
They just wanted to get plowed.
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Offline Yuri Bezmenov

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #844 on: May 17, 2019, 10:40:11 PM »
In today's day and age why do we still have such double standards for men and women??

For example, if two women coworkers are talking to each other and one says "I went through half a box of tissues watching that movie last night", that's perfectly acceptable, but when a guy says the same thing, he has to go see HR for disciplinary action??  :dunno:

Such blatant sexism.   :hitler:
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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #845 on: June 08, 2019, 09:40:54 AM »
You're not completely useless.

You could always serve as a bad example.
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #846 on: June 10, 2019, 12:57:16 PM »
An architect, artist, and engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with their wives or mistresses. The architect said, "I like spending time with my wife building a firm foundation of a marriage." The artist said, "I enjoy the time I spend with my mistress because of all the passion and energy." The engineer said "I enjoy both. If you have a wife and a mistress, both women think you are with the other so you can go to work get more done."
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #847 on: June 11, 2019, 11:17:02 AM »


What did the elephant say to a naked man?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #848 on: June 12, 2019, 11:29:52 AM »
Two radio antennas got married.  The wedding was okay, but the reception was awesome.
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #849 on: June 13, 2019, 09:33:50 AM »
So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember.
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline sg1008

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #850 on: June 14, 2019, 07:00:43 PM »
How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?







Just one.
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Quote from: hykeaswell on December 08, 2014, 04:14:58 AM
Quote from: sg1008 on December 08, 2014, 12:31:27 AM
Can't you guys even just imagine it?

Forget practicality, or your experience....can you just....imagine?

It's there. It always was.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #851 on: June 14, 2019, 07:22:23 PM »
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?

Garden hose.
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline sg1008

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #852 on: June 14, 2019, 07:45:04 PM »
Quote from: Queen Victoria on June 14, 2019, 07:22:23 PM
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?

Garden hose.

Thanks QV. I'm going to tell this one at work. :]
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Quote from: hykeaswell on December 08, 2014, 04:14:58 AM
Quote from: sg1008 on December 08, 2014, 12:31:27 AM
Can't you guys even just imagine it?

Forget practicality, or your experience....can you just....imagine?

It's there. It always was.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #853 on: June 15, 2019, 08:45:11 AM »
Today's Gardening Fact: God makes rainy days so that gardeners can get their housework done.

Gardener's lament - If only I could grow green stuff outside like I can in my refrigerator.
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #854 on: July 10, 2019, 04:22:43 PM »
I don't know about you, but need a break from the riveting and spirited discussions about politics and personalities.  So I'm resurrecting the daily humour.  PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE ANY CLEAN HUMOUR.


A Cyclone blew across the Pacific Ocean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island.

After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Smythe on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree. "Dr. Smythe, Dr. Smythe, how can you be so calm?" cried Marcus. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Marcus." began the confident Dr. Smythe. "Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars." stated Dr. Smythe.

"So what?" shouted Marcus.

"Well, it's time for their annual fundraising drives, and I know they're going to find me!" smiled Dr. Smythe.
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:
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