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Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 16245 times)

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #660 on: January 02, 2019, 09:56:03 AM »
DirtDawg deserves a crown too.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #661 on: January 02, 2019, 10:17:18 AM »
When I get a call from an unknown number, I answer by whispering breathlessly

"It's done.  But there's blood everywhere."

 :lol1:
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #662 on: January 02, 2019, 10:25:04 AM »
When I get a call from an unknown number, I answer by whispering breathlessly

"It's done.  But there's blood everywhere."

I used to do similar, but that is way better.
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #663 on: January 02, 2019, 12:10:41 PM »
That joke came from The PR's former pediatrician.  Still friends although she hasn't seen him in donkey years
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Yuri Bezmenov

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #664 on: January 02, 2019, 02:35:24 PM »
When I get a call from an unknown number, I answer by whispering breathlessly

"It's done.  But there's blood everywhere."

I did something similar when I was shopping for an F-150.

I found a very overpriced one in Eugene that was in the parking lot of a very run down, ghetto-ish apartment complex. I noticed that they had an (805) area code. Since I still had an 805 area code myself, I decided to fuck with them.

I texted "I can't get the fat guy into the woodchipper and the chainsaw quit working".

They replied "You must have the wrong number"

I replied "No worries, I figured out you can melt fat with a blowtorch".

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #665 on: January 03, 2019, 09:55:27 AM »
Two cab drivers met."Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?""Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #666 on: January 04, 2019, 10:37:55 AM »

Q: Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
A: It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #667 on: January 04, 2019, 11:12:46 AM »

Q: Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
A: It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.

I cannot fault this logic.
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline renaeden

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #668 on: January 04, 2019, 10:35:15 PM »
Q: Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
A: It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
I almost did once. I was bowling with my own ball (I have my own and wasn't using the house balls) when some kid came up from a different lane and took my ball from the... whatever it is, the ball holder thingy? Anyway I followed the kid and as soon as he put the ball down I grabbed it and told him that it was mine, bought and paid for. He said he couldn't find a ball to fit his hand and I said that's exactly why I bought a ball that was made for me.

It was an amicable conversation. The kid went to his dad to ask about getting his own ball and I went back to my lane as it was my turn.
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Offline Minister Of Silly Walks

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #669 on: January 04, 2019, 11:04:52 PM »

Q: Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
A: It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.

That said, you tend to notice it more when you drop a bowling ball on your foot.
“When men oppress their fellow men, the oppressor ever finds, in the character of the oppressed, a full justification for his oppression.” Frederick Douglass

Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #670 on: January 05, 2019, 12:12:38 AM »
Oh a golf ball can do a fair bit of damage, I've seen it happen once. My last spazz school, a boarding school, got a bunch of us taken out on a golfing outing for a bit of R&R, and I happened to be in the right place at the right time, this girl, joanne, hit a million to one shot, unless she had talent she wasn't letting on about, while one of the staff was a good few hundred yards away in some trees, belted the ball with her driver and managed to hit the guy right in the back of the head, dropped him to the floor.  He noticed it alright, probably lucky he didn't end up in hospital.

No permanent harm done though, luckily for him he was pretty far away at the time, all the same, it knocked the stuffing out of him.

Even funnier than the driving range incident, where I fucked up royally, and twatted a ball into the side panels of the stand enclosure, hard as I could, only it didn't go anywhere in the intended direction, and went on to richochet around WAY too damn close for comfort. Bloody luck I didn't get hit then myself.

Ever noticed though, that those who actually take up golf as a hobby/sport seem to often prove a real pack of stuck up, poncing dickholes? There's a place I go to pick mushrooms, and there's a golf course sort of looping round a forest in a vague horseshoe shape, there's a private golf clubhouse there, but the entire area is public right of way, and I've had fucking mental cases threaten to try caving my head in before for going there, not in their way, I make damn sure to keep OUT of the way, after what that chick did in my old spazz school, and still, quite a few of them are abusive, sometimes to the point of threatening violence. It's never once been the dog walkers, never once been the hikers, only the fucking golfers.
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

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Offline Minister Of Silly Walks

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #671 on: January 05, 2019, 01:04:36 AM »
I can usually find a 16 pounder with finger holes barely big enough. Also I always ask for the biggest shoes they have. 13s are a squeeze but I'm happier if they have 14s.

I prefer playing 9 ball. But not many places to play around here.
“When men oppress their fellow men, the oppressor ever finds, in the character of the oppressed, a full justification for his oppression.” Frederick Douglass

Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #672 on: January 05, 2019, 06:23:51 AM »
Golf is better. You can store the ball in your ass.

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #673 on: January 05, 2019, 06:38:03 AM »
Golf is better. You can store the ball in your ass.

It's the wrong hole.
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #674 on: January 05, 2019, 09:39:55 AM »
Back to clean jokes..............

I know you can see some of these a smile away, but just put a golf ball in it and read:

What do you call a fake noodle?… An impasta.

Where did the spaghetti go to dance?… The meat ball!

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?… He pasta way.

What do Italians eat on halloween?… Fetuccini A-fraid-o

What do you call a pasta that is sick?… Mac and sneeze.

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say before eating pasta? PASTA LA VISTA BABY.

What does an Irishman get after eating Italian lasagna?… Gaelic breath!

What would you get if you crossed pasta with a snake?… Spaghetti that wraps itself around a fork

What is the dress code at a pasta convention?… Bowtie

My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv: