GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Showering you with some humour today.

Seemed to be raining coins last night. I suspect that’s what they mean by some change in the weather.

Never mind cats and dogs, it was raining chickens and ducks yesterday. Fowl weather.

Why do cows lie down in the rain? To keep each udder dry.

As raindrops say, two’s company, three’s a cloud.

I’m saving for a rainy day. So far, I have an anorak, a couple of macs, and a dinghy.

You never see owls being amorous in the rain. It’s too wet to woo.

The weather forecast says it won’t rain for three months, but I drought it.

A friend of mine did his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colours.

Where’s the best place to store your rain? In a cloud bank.

[Queen Victoria]

No humour today.  Washington D.C. has cast a cloud on America.

[Calandale]

I agree. I'm totally loling over the idea that we really will have a gang-rapist on the court.

[Queen Victoria]

Two senators were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.

The first senator announced, “Those are deer tracks. It’s deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey.”

The second senator responded, “Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we’ll waste the day.”

Each senator believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[Queen Victoria]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
       
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
       
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."  Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
       
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

[Queen Victoria]

 When a man arrived home from work, his wife was waiting for him. She sat him down and told him she had good news and bad news about the car.
       
      "Right," he said. "What's the good news?"
       
      She said: "The air bag works."
       

[Queen Victoria]

Albert took over an old, run-down, abandoned allotment. The beds were overgrown with weeds, the shed was falling down, and the greenhouse was just a frame with broken glass.

During his first day of work, the vicar stopped by to bless Albert's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the allotment of your dreams!"

A few months later, the vicar stopped by again. Lo and behold, it was completely transformed. The shed had been expertly rebuilt, vegetables were growing in neat rows and the greenhouse had been re-glazed and was full of plump, ripe tomatoes.

"Amazing!" exclaimed the vicar. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," said Albert, "but remember what the place was like when God was working it alone!"

[Queen Victoria]

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked.

The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.

"Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular. . . ," she replied.

"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

[Gopher Gary]

Will you explain that joke to me, My Majesty? 

[Queen Victoria]

Two pieces of broccoli catch each other's eyes outside the old windmill in the park. One says, "You are a hottie! You know what caught my eye about you?" The other says, "Is it my floret?" "No." "Is it sexy flowers in my head?" "No." "Then what is it?" The first piece of broccoli says, "I like your round girthy thick stem. You're long and green, and it drives me nuts." The other broccoli goes, "What are you, a 'stalker'?"

[Queen Victoria]

Will you explain that joke to me, My Majesty? 

No, you're too young.   And your appendage is too small to stay up late at night. 

[Queen Victoria]

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’

The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

[DirtDawg]

Give yourself a little break and do not feel too guilty about having questionable housekeeping habits and allowing things to go a day or two.

The mother in "ET" had an alien living in her kid's closet for a week and did not even know it.
 

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

I'm so poor, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt. When people say "oh, you smell good, what is that?" I say "page 12!".

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

Marriage is like a deck of cards, in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.