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Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 16245 times)

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #480 on: September 19, 2018, 10:40:39 AM »
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi looks at the smashed cars and says, "Oy vey! What a wreck, what a wreck!"

The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this. It will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes a swig and shakes his head ruefully, still looking at the cars. They are severely damaged. "Oh, but this will be sooo expensive!" he says.

"Yeah, well, it's just money, rabbi. Have another swig; in fact you can drink the whole bottle if you like."

The rabbi nods and drinks most of the bottle, never taking his eyes off the broken cars. Then he turns to the priest and says, "What are we going to tell the police?"

"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what you're going to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #481 on: September 21, 2018, 10:53:48 AM »
What if Intensity Squared only has one member?  And that member has Multiple Personality Disorder?  :hair:
« Last Edit: September 21, 2018, 12:40:36 PM by Queen Victoria »
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #482 on: September 21, 2018, 11:43:49 AM »
I've run sites like that. :P
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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #483 on: September 22, 2018, 09:15:29 AM »
How do you fix Cinderella's coach?

With a pumpkin patch.


(In the US her coach is made from a pumpkin)
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #484 on: September 22, 2018, 03:21:23 PM »
Quote from: Queen Victoria on September 21, 2018, 10:53:48 AM
What if Intensity Squared only has one member?  And that member has Multiple Personality Disorder?  :hair:

Was wondering when you'd find out. :P
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Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #485 on: September 22, 2018, 05:04:54 PM »
https://elpais.com/elpais/2018/09/21/inenglish/1537528934_632413.html

There really are no words  to describe this...
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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #486 on: September 23, 2018, 11:06:54 AM »
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?”
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #487 on: September 24, 2018, 09:41:12 AM »
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local townhall where a flower show was taking place. The thin one leaned over and said, “We never have any fun any more. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!”

“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. Completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“What happened?”asked her waiting friend.

“I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.”
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #488 on: September 25, 2018, 09:17:25 AM »
 school cook prided herself on the healthy meals she provided with lots of vegetables and fruits. When the power failed one day, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #489 on: September 26, 2018, 11:08:03 AM »
Q: What do you get when a duck bends over?

A: Its Buttquack.

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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #490 on: September 26, 2018, 12:35:20 PM »
Quote from: Queen Victoria on September 26, 2018, 11:08:03 AM
Q: What do you get when a duck bends over?

A: Its Buttquack.

That is a fowl end!
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Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #491 on: September 26, 2018, 05:48:31 PM »
That was a chickensh*t reply DirtDawg.   :clap:



   :poo:
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Yuri Bezmenov

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #492 on: September 26, 2018, 06:03:54 PM »
No, technically it was a duckshit reply.   :nerdy:
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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #493 on: September 26, 2018, 07:45:13 PM »
Said Teh Ducks!
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Yuri Bezmenov

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #494 on: September 26, 2018, 08:13:52 PM »
Teh Ducks are rising back to the top of the PAC-12 where they belong!!!  :woohoo:
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