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Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 16245 times)

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Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #270 on: June 18, 2018, 12:33:30 PM »
As far as congress, I could venture that it depends upon the kind of 'congress' one has in mind :P
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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #271 on: June 18, 2018, 07:08:20 PM »
Quote from: Lestat on June 18, 2018, 12:33:30 PM
As far as congress, I could venture that it depends upon the kind of 'congress' one has in mind :P

 :eyebrows:
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #272 on: June 19, 2018, 08:27:18 AM »
See Funny Stuff.  It's technically not a clean joke.
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #273 on: June 20, 2018, 10:50:40 AM »
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”

My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”

The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #274 on: June 21, 2018, 10:02:50 AM »
Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so stubborn.”

He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #275 on: June 22, 2018, 09:56:29 AM »
I saw a driver texting and driving.

It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.

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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #276 on: June 23, 2018, 09:30:01 AM »
My friend, who’s a nurse in an emergency department, was telling me about a patient who arrived with a gash in his head. Apparently the man was a farmer, and he and his son were working in a field when he’d felt a stone in his boot. He’s tried to shake his foot to work the stone out but – finding it difficult to keep his balance – he decided to hold onto a fence pole.

The son, looking up from what he was doing, noticed his father standing on one leg shaking vigorously and thought he was holding onto the electrified fence.

Grasping a large stick, the son whacked his dad to break his hold on the fence, causing the injury to his head.

Stitches were required to mend the wound, although I’m not sure if the father and son’s relationship is mended yet.
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #277 on: June 24, 2018, 01:00:05 PM »
Only six more months until Christmas Eve.

Question: How does Santa sing the alphabet?
Answer: A B C D E F GH I J K L M N Oh!, Oh!, Oh!, P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #278 on: June 26, 2018, 11:00:05 AM »
A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.

“Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #279 on: June 27, 2018, 10:58:53 AM »
I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny,

I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #280 on: June 29, 2018, 09:21:36 AM »
A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for raodside assistance. He climbed into the boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday."

A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location."

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

After a long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #281 on: June 30, 2018, 09:31:19 AM »
What did Cinderella Dolphin wear to the ball?

Glass flippers!
« Last Edit: June 30, 2018, 10:01:27 AM by Queen Victoria »
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #282 on: July 01, 2018, 10:34:12 AM »
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” replied the gallery owner. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered whether it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.”

“That’s great!” exclaimed the artist. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The man was your doctor.”
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #283 on: July 02, 2018, 08:51:14 AM »
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #284 on: July 02, 2018, 12:49:31 PM »
:rofl:
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"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

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