GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Young preacher Nathan was sitting in a lunch counter eating spaghetti and salad. He opened an envelope he’d just received that morning from his mother. As he opened it a thirty bucks fell out. He thought to himself; ”Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.” As Nathan finished his food, he saw a beggar outside of the restaurant on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Nathan thinking that the poor man could probably use the thirty bucks more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters,

‘Persevere!’

So as not to make a dramatic scene, he put the envelope under poor man’s arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The poor man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next midday, as Nathan enjoyed his meal, the same guy tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young preacher asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Your favourite horse Persevere came in first in the sixth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty five to one.”

[Queen Victoria]

Seven years old Zack comes down to kitchen for breakfast and his mother Carmin asks if he had done his works. Zack says; “Not yet, mom.”

Carmin tells Zack that until he completes his works, he won’t be getting any breakfast.

Zack is a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and ducks and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and bulls, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

Zack goes back in home for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cornflakes. “How come I don’t get any eggs and sausage? Why don’t I have any milk in my cornflakes?” he asks.

“Well,” Carmin answers, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for two weeks. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any sausage for two weeks either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for two weeks you aren’t getting any milk.”

Mean while, Zack’s father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

Zack grins and looks up at his mother, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

(I didn't get it originally either.  Think of another name for a cat.)

[Calandale]

Kitty?

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

I must have a very dirty mind.

[Queen Victoria]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1733875716702164&set=a.1354542867968786.1073741828.100002392587881&type=3

[odeon]

You need to be logged in to see that.

[Queen Victoria]

Complain, complain, complain.  You had make me type it out, didn't you?       

HOW TO WASH A CAT

 1.  Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 2.  Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 3.  In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet bowl.  Put the lids down.  You may need to stand on the lid.
 4.  At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds  Never mind the noises coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
 5.  Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "Power Wash" and "Rinse."
 6.  Have someone  open the front door of your house. Be sure that there are NO people between the bathroom and the front door.
 7.  Stand well back and quickly lift the lid.
 8.  The cat will rocket ourt of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.
 9.  Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely

The Dog.

[Calandale]

You need to be logged in to see that.

More than that - you need perms to whomever shared it.

[Queen Victoria]

A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call centre in India.

“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.

“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end. “It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”

“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.

“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”

“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”

The call centre operator was adamant. “There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”

“Very well then,” sighed the old lady. “Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”

[Queen Victoria]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

[Queen Victoria]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked: “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says: “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

[Queen Victoria]

An oldie:

Young Dwayne had just gotten his driving license. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible and get your hair cut, we’ll talk about it.”

After about a month, Dwayne came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

Dwayne paused a moment and answered, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Muhammed had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.” To which his father replied, “Yes you are right, and they walked every where they went too!”

[Queen Victoria]

We had just moved to an Army post from an Air Force base and my young son, an avid fan of GI Joe toys, was excited to see the troops marching in cadence.  An even bigger thrill came when he passed the motor pool with its tanks, jeeps and trucks.  "Look!" he squealed with delight. "They have the whole collection!"

[Queen Victoria]

What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
A Jellybutton!

[Queen Victoria]

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear."