GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Driving into work one morning, a man could only watch in horror as his car shuddered to a halt in the busy rush hour traffic. All his attempts at restarting the car failed and he was left to contemplate a lengthy wait until the vehicle breakdown service arrived.

Then from nowhere a pigeon landed on the hood and began looking inquisitively through the windshield. Soon it was joined by two dozen more pigeons. The driver had always considered pigeons to be particularly stupid birds but he looked on in amazement as they then produced a length of rope and began tying it around the car’s front bumper. By now a hundred more pigeons had descended and each bird grabbed a section of rope in its beak and began to pull the car.

As more pigeons flew in to join the Herculean effort, the car slowly but surely began to edge forward. Soon they were clocking a respectable two miles per hour and within forty-five minutes these incredible birds were dragging the vehicle into the car park of the driver’s office.

As he stepped out of his car, a female work colleague, who had witnessed the unorthodox arrival, said to him: “All these years and I never knew you were pigeon-towed.”

[Queen Victoria]

The Artificial Intelligence Quantum Computer stood at the end of the most famous computer company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The CEO stepped forward to give his prepared demo. ”This,” he proudly said, ”is the Artificial Intelligence Quantum Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.”

A ‘know-it-all’ guy who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, ‘Where is my father?’

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Screen lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: ‘Yacht trip in Phuket Island.’

The ‘know-it-all’ guy laughed, ‘Actually, my father is not alive! It was a trick question.’

The CEO, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Quantum Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The ‘Know-it-all’ guy said to the Quantum Computer, ‘Where is my mother’s husband?’ Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.

After a second, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, ‘Dead. But your father is still on a yacht in Phuket.’

[Queen Victoria]

Night after night, a keen ornithologist stood in his backyard hooting like an owl. After weeks of getting no reply, he suddenly heard an owl hoot back at him. He was overjoyed at the response and for the next nine months man and bird kept up a regular dialogue of hooting. He was fascinated by his ability to relate to a wild creature and kept a detailed record of all their conversations.

Just when he was about to take his findings to the Natural History Society, his wife happened to be talking to a neighbour who lived four doors away.

“My husband spends his night calling to owls,” she confided.

“That’s funny,” said the neighbour. “So does mine!”

[Queen Victoria]

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on his wife’s movements. The husband demanded more than just a written report – he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a tape and sat down to watch it with the husband. As the tape played, he saw his wife meeting another man. He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them having a playful fight in the street. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

When the tape ended, the distraught husband said: “I can’t believe this!”

“What’s not to believe?” asked the detective. “It’s right up there on the screen. The camera never lies.”

The husband replied: “What I mean is, I can’t believe my wife is so much fun!”

[Queen Victoria]

Often when a child doesn't know an answer he will use his imagination to come up with something plausible, just as we adults do.  A class was studying the parts of the Mass and the priest asked, "Why do we call Christ 'the Lamb of G_d'?".  A boy thought about it and replied, "I guess so we can sing that song, 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'"

[Queen Victoria]

Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, “Go into that room and kill your wife.”

The guy says, “No way” and leaves FBI headquarters.

The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses.

Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.

“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!”

[Queen Victoria]

Married Karen was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Peter.

Suddenly, Peter burst into the kitchen.

“Be careful,” he said, “Karen be careful! Put in some more butter! Good grief.

You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn eggs! Turn eggs now! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! Careful woman careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn eggs again! Hurry up! Are you kidding? You are really crazy. Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.Where is the salt?

Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!”

Karen, unbelievably, stared at her husband. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

Peter calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving the car.”

[renaeden]

Heh, my parents' names are Karen and Peter.

[odeon]

Is this how they do it?

[renaeden]

I've never seen this kind of interaction between them.

[odeon]

My mum used to tell my dad how to drive all the time. He was never particularly bothered, as far as I can remember.

She tried it with me once or twice. I simply stopped the car, got out, and told her to drive.

[El]

Fidel had a giant problem. He forgot his wedding anniversary on Tuesday. His wife Annabel really got angry.

She furiously told him “Next morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in 2.1 seconds. And it better be there, Fidel.”

The next morning Fidel got up early and left for work. When Annabel woke up, she looked out the window and saw a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway.

Amazed Annabel, put on her dressing gown and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened the box and saw a brand new electronic bathroom scale.

Fidel hasn’t been home since Wednesday.

...wish *my* scale just went from 0 to 100.

[El]

Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, “Go into that room and kill your wife.”

The guy says, “No way” and leaves FBI headquarters.

The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses.

Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.

“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!”

lol, heard that one before.  Classic.

[renaeden]

My mum used to tell my dad how to drive all the time. He was never particularly bothered, as far as I can remember.

She tried it with me once or twice. I simply stopped the car, got out, and told her to drive.

Hahaha, good one!

With Kayleigh, if she does it, I tell her she can get out and walk.

[odeon]

It's really effective in the middle of nowhere.