GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

From the internet:

My uncle listened to the scanner in Spokane, WA all the time.

Once there was a report of shots fired and multiple calls for backup culminating in a cop shouting, “They’re all around us! They’re everywhere!”

Turns out they’d wandered onto Air Force land and were in the middle of a military exercise.

[Queen Victoria]

The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?” Anna: “Your husband he say so.” Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?” Anna: “Your husband said.” Wife increasingly angried: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?” Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

[Gopher Gary]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the cashier, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”   

[Queen Victoria]

An oldie

 A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak… “woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph”

“That’s amazing” exclaimed the father. “You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground”?

“No”, said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago!”

[Queen Victoria]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the cashier, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”   

   Good one

[Queen Victoria]

The telephone rang at dawn. “Hello, Señor Ralph? This is Alfredo, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Hi, Alfredo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Señor Ralph, that your parrot died.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”
“Yes, Señor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating rotten meat, Señor Ralph.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Señor Ralph.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Señor Ralph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“My God! What fire are you talking about?”

“The one at your house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”
“What the hell . . . ? Are you telling me that my $5m mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
“Yes, Señor Ralph.”
“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Ralph.”
“What bloody funeral?”
“Your wife’s, Señor Ralph. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods’ Nike driver.”

There was a lengthy silence.

“Alfredo, if you broke that driver, you’re in real trouble…”

[Queen Victoria]

Couldn't resist this one from a forum I read:

Not in a store, but when Mini Shadow 3 was about three he decided to yell out during the silent prayer time in Sunday morning church, "Mommy! My penis is STRETCHY!!!" Cue stifled snickers all around and my immediate application into the witness protection program. Yes, my friends still remind me of that on occasion, because that's what good friends are supposed to do.

[odeon]

[Queen Victoria]

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I don’t care” said the waiter with a smile, “We don’t even have an air conditioner!”

[Queen Victoria]

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

[Gopher Gary]

Today I was in the checkout line buying some birthday balloons, and a guy was behind me in line with his little girl who was maybe about four years old. She was pointing at a magazine and said she had seen the lady with the glasses on tv. Her dad asked her if she knew who that is. The girl said, she's the president! It was Oprah on the magazine cover. 

[Parts]

A good clean Good Humor truck

[Queen Victoria]

A good clean Good Humor truck

Perfectly well done.  I'll have a fudgesicle.

[odeon]

Can I have an icy pun?

[Queen Victoria]

No, but I'll give you the cold shoulder.