2

Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 16245 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #105 on: March 07, 2018, 12:15:02 PM »
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant:

“Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,

“Ask him again where my damn money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell…that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Arya Quinn

  • The Mad Queen
  • Elder
  • Dedicated Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 4101
  • Karma: 179
  • Gender: Female
  • UwU
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #106 on: March 07, 2018, 05:14:12 PM »

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #107 on: March 09, 2018, 08:24:28 AM »
A bit long, but definitely worth it.


A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America, one day, carrying a large bag of money.  She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”  The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. “He’s a very busy man.”  “But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.

The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk.  The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”

She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.

“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.

“$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The President was suprised to see all this cash, so he asked her,

“Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?” 

The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.”

Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets?

What kind of bets?”

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing.

“Yes, you heard me.

In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”

The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one.

“You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.  He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.”

He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #108 on: March 10, 2018, 10:46:06 AM »
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #109 on: March 11, 2018, 11:05:40 AM »
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.  “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #110 on: March 12, 2018, 02:09:53 PM »
After being married for twenty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

She asked, “What does that mean?”

He said, “Amazing, Bright, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fantastic, Gorgeous, Hot.”

She felt very happy and said, “Oh my dear, that’s so lovely.

What about I, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline DirtDawg

  • Insensitive Oaf and Earthworm Whisperer
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 31521
  • Karma: 2538
  • Gender: Male
  • Last rays of the last days
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #111 on: March 12, 2018, 04:44:27 PM »

I think that is very clever!
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #112 on: March 12, 2018, 04:52:29 PM »

I think that is very clever!

thank you.

Humour is a very personal thing.  Sometimes a joke clicks, sometimes it dies.  Hopefully I reach at least everyone once with my copied jokes.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #113 on: March 13, 2018, 10:34:01 AM »
A probate attorney discusses with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three millions dollars,’ the attorney reads.

‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’

‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Frederick, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.

Well, you were wrong. Hi Frederick!’
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline El

  • Unofficial Weird News Reporter of the Aspie Elite
  • News Box Slave
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 21926
  • Karma: 2615
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #114 on: March 14, 2018, 06:19:04 AM »
An oldie but goodie:

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
LOL
it is well known that PMS Elle is evil.
I think you'd fit in a 12" or at least a 16" firework mortar
You win this thread because that's most unsettling to even think about.

Offline Arya Quinn

  • The Mad Queen
  • Elder
  • Dedicated Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 4101
  • Karma: 179
  • Gender: Female
  • UwU
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #115 on: March 14, 2018, 08:35:04 PM »

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #116 on: March 15, 2018, 03:10:04 PM »
Rebecca was driving home from one of her business trips in New Mexico when she saw an old Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the old Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the trip, Rebecca tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a black leather bag on the seat next to Rebecca.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Rebecca looked down at the leather bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for a few seconds. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Fun With Matches

  • Elder
  • Dedicated Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 3515
  • Karma: 225
  • Delicious and refreshing.
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #117 on: March 16, 2018, 07:01:55 AM »
A probate attorney discusses with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three millions dollars,’ the attorney reads.

‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’

‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Frederick, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.

Well, you were wrong. Hi Frederick!’

 :laugh:
:dog:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #118 on: March 16, 2018, 07:30:59 AM »
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #119 on: March 17, 2018, 09:43:01 AM »
There was a man named Schumacher who got a new job. His co-workers always met for a round of golf every Sunday. They asked Schumacher to meet them at 9.00 A.M. Sunday morning. Schumacher replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.

On Sunday morning Schumacher was there at exactly 9:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Sunday rolls around, and Schumacher says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next weeks, with Schumacher always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

His co-workers are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”Hey Schumi, every Sunday you say you may be 10 minutes late. You never be late. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?”

Schumacher replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Sunday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”

”Well,” one of his friend asked, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?” Schumacher answers, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv: