GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

I thought I'd share some clean joke just to lighten the mood.  I"ll be going through some humour/joke books I have so there may be a theme for a while until I get onto the next chapter.

A kindergartner student came to class and proudly announced, "We have a new baby at our house."  The teacher asked , "A little sister?"  "No." "So you have a baby brother!"  The girls face fell and she said, "Somebody told you."

Another kindergartner raced ino school and said, :My mother just had a new baby and it was born too soon, so they put it in the percolator."

Does anyone know what you call five babies born at once?  One little girl said, "Giblets."

[Gopher Gary]

Oh! Oh! I want to play.    I think everyone should have at least one joke, so they can whip it out in an emergency, in case the need for a joke telling should happen to come up. This is my emergency joke telling joke. I prefer to tell it person, because I like to get into character. So just imagine me fanning myself with whatever is handy as an impromptu fan prop, and understand that I perform an excellent southern drawl. 

There's three young southern belles sitting on the veranda, sipping mint juleps, and bragging about how much their fathers love them and dote on them.

The first girl says: My daddy, he loves me so much, he bought me a fur coat.
The second girl says: Hmph.
And the third girls says: That's nice.

The second girls says: My daddy, he loves me so much, he bought me a diamond ring.
The first girl says: Hmph.
And the third girl says: That's nice.

They sit there for a minute or two, until they can't stand it anymore.
Then the first and second girl ask the third girl: Well, what did your daddy do for you?

The third girl says: My daddy, he loves me so much, he sent me to charm school. Now I don't say fuck you no more. I just say, that's nice.

[Queen Victoria]

A four year old girl proudly told the class how she helped her mother, "I bring her her nightgown in the mornings."

After listening to another girl boast about all the presents her daddy bought her, another child told the class, "I don't have a daddy.  None of us kids have a daddy.  Mymom just had to get her children the best way she could."

After a family reunion:  Last Sunday we had this big family party and my grandma drank so much beer that she fainted.
'

[Lestat]

One I heard on family guy and about the ONLY clean joke I know:

What are the three rings of marriage?

The engagement ring.
The wedding ring.
And the suffer-ring.

All the other jokes I know are filthy, extremely offensive, innuendo-laden, racist, or all of the above.

Althogh  I know ONE other cleanish joke.

A pretty girl walks into a cocktail bar and asks for an innuendo. So the barkeep gives her one.

Afraid that is about as clean as I can tell without a christmas cracker to hand, Yeah, I confess, my reservoir of jokes are near universally offensive and profane in the extreme and not uncommonly heretical either

[Fun With Matches]

I guess this would count, it made me lol!

[Jack]

That was good.

[Gopher Gary]

    

[Al Swearegen]

What is the difference between a bowl of lychees and a baby? If you try really hard you could eat a baby.

[Gopher Gary]

Why did the blind man fall into the well? 


Because he couldn't see that well.   

[Lestat]

LOL Al.

But I think the two are almost even. The baby slightly harder though, because I don't like rare meat and as such would have to spend the time to cook the baby properly, and make up some of my special fly agaric and weapons-grade smoked savina habanero grade chili pepper based meat spice dusting and fly agaric marinade.

The lychees, oh god gimme some! I LOVE lychees, and longans, and rambutan. I especially like the texture thing you get with longans, where the wood-looking, but thin, bark-like rind bursts when you squeeze it hard and suddenly between the fingers, firing the longan into one's mouth in a burst of succulent flesh and sweet aromatic juice. Lovely.

And lychee juice....they sell it in big liter cartons here, and once I open one of those I rarely ever put it down with another mouthful in it. I often as not just open one and drain it in one long sweet, aromatic, delicious draught.


Here's a joke for y'all:

Whats the difference between a baby and a potato?

The potato doesn't scream when you bake it in the microwave until the skin starts to burst.

[Queen Victoria]

Little story from a Mennonite blog I read:


"I used to have these visions of a silvery boat floating in the window and it had maybe five people on it with bags of money, and I pictured them drifting over to my bed and carefully taking out the tooth and replacing it with some money."

She talked dreamily on but I was stuck on that silvery boat. Why on earth...?

I interrupted her. "Emily, why did you imagine a BOAT?"

"You know, the TOOTH FERRY."

[Lestat]

Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

You don't get put on trial if you get caught putting pizza in the oven.

[Calandale]

Nothing says 'clean' like genocide jokes.

[Lestat]

Isn't that why they call it ethnic cleansing? Really, its nothing to make so much fuss about. After all, nobody starts kicking off and yowling bollocks when somebody burns a few cakes, and has to clean the mess off with some dish-soap. Yet they seem to when some german lad goes and burns a few kikes, and has to have his unter-fuhrers clean up the mess with a few grenades and the the odd gas oven (is that what you call it when two suicidally depressed jews fart in an elevator? like a dutch oven, but with more yarmulkes? A yiddish oven....two jews fart in a lift, strike a match and simultaneously gas and cook each other in an oven created specially for the purpose )

Whats the difference between a match and a man's wife? you can only strike a match once and have it be any use.

Whats the difference between a jew and a black man? the jew would have pocketed the interest on his own sale.

[Lestat]

What did Adolf Hitler say, after successfully prosecuting the second world war, two days later when his morning paper was completely blank? 'Ach!...oh vell.....Deutscheland ohne juden ist gut.....'nein juden ist gut juden' (no jews is good jews') (its an expression here, that 'no news is good news'...kinda works better in english, the idiom doesn't have the right meter when rendered in german it seems)