INTENSITY²
Start here => What's your crime? Basic Discussion => Topic started by: Queen Victoria on January 06, 2018, 08:54:55 PM
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I thought I'd share some clean joke just to lighten the mood. I"ll be going through some humour/joke books I have so there may be a theme for a while until I get onto the next chapter.
A kindergartner student came to class and proudly announced, "We have a new baby at our house." The teacher asked , "A little sister?" "No." "So you have a baby brother!" The girls face fell and she said, "Somebody told you."
Another kindergartner raced ino school and said, :My mother just had a new baby and it was born too soon, so they put it in the percolator."
Does anyone know what you call five babies born at once? One little girl said, "Giblets."
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Oh! Oh! I want to play. :orly: I think everyone should have at least one joke, so they can whip it out in an emergency, in case the need for a joke telling should happen to come up. This is my emergency joke telling joke. I prefer to tell it person, because I like to get into character. So just imagine me fanning myself with whatever is handy as an impromptu fan prop, and understand that I perform an excellent southern drawl. :green:
There's three young southern belles sitting on the veranda, sipping mint juleps, and bragging about how much their fathers love them and dote on them.
The first girl says: My daddy, he loves me so much, he bought me a fur coat.
The second girl says: Hmph.
And the third girls says: That's nice.
The second girls says: My daddy, he loves me so much, he bought me a diamond ring.
The first girl says: Hmph.
And the third girl says: That's nice.
They sit there for a minute or two, until they can't stand it anymore.
Then the first and second girl ask the third girl: Well, what did your daddy do for you?
The third girl says: My daddy, he loves me so much, he sent me to charm school. Now I don't say fuck you no more. I just say, that's nice.
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A four year old girl proudly told the class how she helped her mother, "I bring her her nightgown in the mornings."
After listening to another girl boast about all the presents her daddy bought her, another child told the class, "I don't have a daddy. None of us kids have a daddy. Mymom just had to get her children the best way she could."
After a family reunion: Last Sunday we had this big family party and my grandma drank so much beer that she fainted.
'
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One I heard on family guy and about the ONLY clean joke I know:
What are the three rings of marriage?
The engagement ring.
The wedding ring.
And the suffer-ring.
All the other jokes I know are filthy, extremely offensive, innuendo-laden, racist, or all of the above.
Althogh I know ONE other cleanish joke.
A pretty girl walks into a cocktail bar and asks for an innuendo. So the barkeep gives her one.
Afraid that is about as clean as I can tell without a christmas cracker to hand, Yeah, I confess, my reservoir of jokes are near universally offensive and profane in the extreme and not uncommonly heretical either :P
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I guess this would count, it made me lol!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gEThDCtrj4
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:laugh: That was good.
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:lol1: :plus:
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What is the difference between a bowl of lychees and a baby? If you try really hard you could eat a baby.
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Why did the blind man fall into the well? :orly:
Because he couldn't see that well. :zoinks:
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LOL Al.
But I think the two are almost even. The baby slightly harder though, because I don't like rare meat and as such would have to spend the time to cook the baby properly, and make up some of my special fly agaric and weapons-grade smoked savina habanero grade chili pepper based meat spice dusting and fly agaric marinade.
The lychees, oh god gimme some! I LOVE lychees, and longans, and rambutan. I especially like the texture thing you get with longans, where the wood-looking, but thin, bark-like rind bursts when you squeeze it hard and suddenly between the fingers, firing the longan into one's mouth in a burst of succulent flesh and sweet aromatic juice. Lovely.
And lychee juice....they sell it in big liter cartons here, and once I open one of those I rarely ever put it down with another mouthful in it. I often as not just open one and drain it in one long sweet, aromatic, delicious draught.
Here's a joke for y'all:
Whats the difference between a baby and a potato?
The potato doesn't scream when you bake it in the microwave until the skin starts to burst.
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Little story from a Mennonite blog I read:
"I used to have these visions of a silvery boat floating in the window and it had maybe five people on it with bags of money, and I pictured them drifting over to my bed and carefully taking out the tooth and replacing it with some money."
She talked dreamily on but I was stuck on that silvery boat. Why on earth...?
I interrupted her. "Emily, why did you imagine a BOAT?"
"You know, the TOOTH FERRY."
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Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
You don't get put on trial if you get caught putting pizza in the oven.
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Nothing says 'clean' like genocide jokes.
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Isn't that why they call it ethnic cleansing? Really, its nothing to make so much fuss about. After all, nobody starts kicking off and yowling bollocks when somebody burns a few cakes, and has to clean the mess off with some dish-soap. Yet they seem to when some german lad goes and burns a few kikes, and has to have his unter-fuhrers clean up the mess with a few grenades and the the odd gas oven (is that what you call it when two suicidally depressed jews fart in an elevator? like a dutch oven, but with more yarmulkes? A yiddish oven....two jews fart in a lift, strike a match and simultaneously gas and cook each other in an oven created specially for the purpose :P)
Whats the difference between a match and a man's wife? you can only strike a match once and have it be any use.
Whats the difference between a jew and a black man? the jew would have pocketed the interest on his own sale.
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What did Adolf Hitler say, after successfully prosecuting the second world war, two days later when his morning paper was completely blank? 'Ach!...oh vell.....Deutscheland ohne juden ist gut.....'nein juden ist gut juden' (no jews is good jews') (its an expression here, that 'no news is good news'...kinda works better in english, the idiom doesn't have the right meter when rendered in german it seems)
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Lestat, I'm Jewish.
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:laugh:
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Was that a joke? because with my off color jokes, I target every race or group equally.
Did you hear the one about the autistic hindu yogi found with his eyes poked out?
His last act was to start rocking and stimming. Unfortunately he was on his bed of nails at the time.
What do you call a hindu who's turned around and become an atheist? a hindon't.
What do you call the spazz definition of torture? a one armed woman with rett syndrome hanging from a cliff.
Whats dark, furry, full of liver poisons and mugs other, white, mold colonies in the wallpaper whenever the house owners turn off the lights? Aspergillus nigger. (yup, I even know a couple of naughty biochemistry/biology jokes)
Did you hear about the time a chef with MR got done for homophobia he was innocent of?
He was roasting a plate of faggots at the time...
How to you stop a chav from drowning? you take your foot off of the back of his head.
How SHOULD you stop a chav from drowning? 'what? did I hear you right? you must be kidding me'
I've got jokes for everybody and jokes at the expense of every group. Well i might struggle for say, the waorani amazonian tribe, or barely contacted remote islanders, but MOST of everybody. Its only racism if its both done with hate and disproportionate, no?
And I could tell a jew joke and wish you no offense whatsoever, QV, believe you me, I have no reason to wish ill upon you.
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No, my post wasn't a joke. Humour is most likely to offend someone, somewhere, sometime: animal lovers, Jews, lawyers, women, etc.
Everyone has a right to tell jokes - good jokes, bad jokes, ethnic jokes. Actually one of my favorite jokes/stories involves an ancient black man and a lawyer. It's from the 1930's or 1940's. It isn't as funny when I clean up the black language, so I don't tell it. My choice to exercise or not exercise my right.
Sorry if you took my statement as a criticism of you. I'm simply making a statement.
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Still, there ARE other joke and humor threads. It seems disrespectful to
use derogatory or likely offensive humor in this one.
I assumed that was the point actually.
While the first post could be seen as agist, against young children's innocence, I suspect few would take real offense.
Of course, the rodent managed an f-bomb in the second post, so I would guess this is the wrong crowd to expect respect.
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I'd kinda figured that four-letter-words etc. counted in good clean humor. It might be profane but not neccessarily a dirty joke if that makes sense. Those, I count as the sexual jokes, innuendo jokes, misogynist/misandrist; bestiality jokes, paedophile jokes etc. Not so much the race jokes, they can still be clean.
I've always thought of a filthy joke as the kind you couldn't tell to a vicar or priest (especially when they are much too busy shagging an altar boy to listen, at the time)-Classic example as to what I see as a dirty joke I just thought up on the fly as a case in point.
A guy walks into a bar, and asks the barmaid 'I'll have a double innuendo please, on the rocks, and make it a stiff one'
So she gives him one. Then she gives him one again, turns round and pours liquid nitrogen over his cock, drives her car to the beach with the guys mouth duct taped and his hands tied behind his back, ties his frozen knob to the car and throws him off a cliff'
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I'd assume the 'clean' had neither to do with turning people into soap, nor with sexual.
Indeed, I'd say:
Q: What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in dirt and comes back?A: A dirty double-crosser.
would count as a 'clean' joke, even though it is explicitly about dirt. :P
Deliberately offensive humor seems more suited to http://www.intensitysquared.com/index.php/topic,17913 (http://www.intensitysquared.com/index.php/topic,17913)
But, maybe I'm just not literal enough.
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I put a :laugh: because I thought Lestat inadvertently put his foot in it. :dunno:
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A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number. :zoinks:
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Wondering how they carried it out. :laugh:
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:zoinks:
(https://i.imgflip.com/x6fm1.jpg)
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Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!". :zoinks:
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Two good ones, Gary
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What do you get when one of a homosexual set of twins is blown to pieces?
3 poofs.
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How do you get an elephant in a bottle with only a pair of tweezers and binoculars?
Use the binoculars backwards, so the elephant is very small.
Pick it up with the tweezers, and drop it in the bottle.
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I don't know, how do you get an elephant in a bottle with only a pair of tweezers and binoculars?
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QV I doubt you want to know the answer to that one.
But ever seen those exotic alcoholic liquids that nobody ever actually drinks or knows the name of without reading the label, that has fully-grown fruit floating in it?
Those are made by dipping a tree-branch inside an empty bottle, after thinning off all the leaves and all but one fruit, allowing it to grow inside the bottle and then pulling away the branch, letting the bottle neck pull the fruit away.
There can be only one answer to that joke, at least, only one concept behind it. Its similar, and almost certainly involves zygotes. The rest is only in the wording.
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I don't know, how do you get an elephant in a bottle with only a pair of tweezers and binoculars?
The answer is included at the bottom of his post.
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Bugger, I missed the small type font :P
The joke is on me there. Although wouldn't the backwards magnifying glass risk burning your eyeballs out like an ant being roasted by a shithead kid? (although having my eye burnt is the reason WHY I didn't see the small font probably. But no it didn't happen due to anything involving a magnifying glass)
Vulcan epic fail :P
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Bugger, I missed the small type font :P
Yeah. I couldn't be arsed testing out if any spoiler code was installed. None of the buttons seemed to embed it.
I mean seriously, I'm gonna want a table or FTP link? Or a mailto? :P
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Well there is already an email function, for those who have made their email public, its a bit below the gender icon and yay/ghey buttons.
As for a table...depends who is on it, in what position, what gender, how attractive they are and whether or not they are autistic :spazz:
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I meant the raw HTML mailto - mailto:sendmemail@noreply.edu (sendmemail@noreply.edu)
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Lesson learned. Read ALL the post.
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:zoinks:
(https://igx.4sqi.net/img/general/original/149801147_HpRWDsOlL4bqtemkaiGbwc75ysZmIAHDSvhGg-bcqLA.jpg)
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I would have QV, but although the physical damage, according to the eye specialists I had to see for way too long and way too many damnably unpleasant examinations under the slit-lamp, has healed, my eyesight is not what it once was. And one eye was already bad, after a couple of childhood accidents with things that went 'boom' when I used to play about with that area of chemistry (although long-since retired, not in chemistry altogether of course, as anybody who knows me here knows, but with regards to explosives, long retired, for over a decade), plus once getting caustic in my 'good' eye, albeit not much of it thank fuck, most of it having reacted already, during a GHB synthesis as a kid, whilst just beginning to earn my wings. Childhood mistake, rapid exotherm whilst trying to shorten the duration of the saponification reaction of gamma-butyrolactone to GHB sodium, using an aqueous solvent mixture, so as to be able to evaporate the GHB solution more rapidly, hit me in the eye, and although washed out and compared to the pig-caused accident with a torrent of far, far stronger bases, in addition to hydroxides (and having no relation to GHB), and powerful enough to , hitting me at an upwards angle, to push the goggles up my head off my eyes, then forcefully blast the jet of pressurized searing-hot corrosive alkalis into the other eye..that did some lasting damage, and my eyesight, even after the cornea had the corrosive alkali-melted and superheated, pressurized dry steam jet-burnt portion heal again, it is no longer what it once was. So I did look, I just did not see what was there, until it was pointed out as being there, and my going back and looking harder.
Just didn't see it at first read, due to the small font.
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Lestat, I was referring to myself.
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100 years ago an Appalachian woman enrolled her twins in kindergarten. "What are their names?" "Pishy and Gooey." " O... K.. Could you ..um.. Spell that." "Pyche and Guy."
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I don't get it.
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a snake?
'have you EVER seen the word 'charming' after the word 'lawyer'
How do you stop a police officer drowning? Its easy, you just take your foot off the back of his head and if you are going to be generous, flush the toilet too.
Whats the difference between the bones of a policeman's firstborn baby and dental floss?
you can't pick your teeth with scraps of dental floss you've gnawed the flavour out of.
What is the best way to try and help a suicidal copper?
'hand him a razorblade and draw directions in marker pen to his major arteries :P
What do you get if you crossbreed a police officer and a firefighter? pork scratchings the first time there is a major industrial accident delivered by air, free of charge to your doorstep to munch on while the firework show is on. (no, I've nothing against firefighters, in my experience they have been good people. Even gave me a set of heavy-duty fire-smothering blankets, two sets, and after installing a carbon monoxide detector near the house gas boiler, they also were kind enough to, upon my request, give me another so I can use it in the lab if working with, or doing something that evolves CO as a byproduct, completely free of charge; so the joke isn't at their expense)
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:zoinks:
(https://ruinmyweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/the-best-funny-pictures-of-funny-letter-to-postman-spider.jpg)
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:lol1:
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What do you call the ghost of an alcoholic who died after drinking denatured alcohol?
A methylated spirit.
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:lol1: at the postman letter!
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Did you hear the one about the organic chemist specializing in nucleophilic substitution reactions?
He ended up doing jail term, placed in protective custody as a convicted electrophile after too many times going and doing an SN2, when he a somebody witnessed his backside attack.
(sorry, sorry, that one was awful, I know, I admit it, that one was terrible)
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What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.
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What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.
And even worse? Finding no yummy worm at all!
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What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.
:laugh:
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What did Mr. Rabbit say to Mrs. Rabbit
Won't take long, didn't it?
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More dirty humor. :heisenberg:
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Ninth graders in Los Angeles were given a vocabulary test and one ingenious student defined "prowess" as "a lady prowler."
A honeymoon is "the time when the marriage is consumed."
Tackle is the past tense of tickle.
A reflection is when somebody hits you in the knee real hard and your leg kicks.
A kindergartner complained to her mother that the teacher sent the class out to recess, but nobody knew how to recess - so they just played instead.
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Whats black and white and read all over? a newspaper.
Whats black and white and red all over? a nun on her period falling down a hill.
Why did the drug-user-hating copper start buzzing hard? Because somebody stuck a beehive up his ass :P
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Does anyone know what a fez is? An Egyptian policeman.
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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? :zoinks:
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:lol1:
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What do you call the sweet, sweet music produced by kidnapping a cop-shop worth of police officers and torturing them slowly whilst recording the screams and shrieks?
A porkestra.
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(told me by somebody else)
What do you call a paki on the moon? a problem. What do you call two pakis on the moon? a problem. What do you call 20 pakis on the moon? still a problem. What do you call 100 pakis on the moon? a big problem. What do you call 1000 pakis on the moon? a really big problem. What do you call all the pakis on the moon?
Problem solved.
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This is a long one from the blog of a Mennonite pastor's wife. She collected a series of You Know You're a Pastor's Wife When. I know some here are not religious, but there is humour in her posts and some can be imagined in your marital relations.
You know you're married to a principal/pastor when:
1. You know at least three people who are afraid of your husband and shouldn’t be, and three more that aren’t, but you wish they were.
2. You can call his name and he doesn’t hear you, but if you say, “Mr. ___” you instantly have his attention.
3. You keep a coleus plant for years so he can demonstrate photosynthesis in science class every year.
4. Half of your living room furniture disappears before Christmas, along with your husband’s bathrobe and 4 dish towels. Then you go see the Christmas play and see all your missing items onstage. If it’s The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, you also see the ham you had put in the freezer for Christmas dinner.
5. You tend to have your babies in late spring, about 9 months after the most stressful time of the year.
6. You’ve been in groups where everyone was discussing a situation, and you knew more than anyone, but you couldn’t say a word!
7. When it’s snowing and your husband says, "Oh, it’s not that slick out there, I think we can have school!" And you remind him there are 16-year-olds driving their younger siblings to school.
8. You have a section in your recipe notebook for how much pizza and pop to buy for honor roll suppers, and which flavors.
9. You have another page for how much hot chocolate to send along on sledding days.
10. You have another page for how much food each family needs to bring for the Christmas program.
11. You’ve driven a van full of wild children to the museum, the mountains, the woolen mills, the newspaper printer, the waterfalls, and convention, if you use ACE.
12. You know which students cheat and lie.
13. You’ve put the children to bed by yourself on Saturday nights.
14. Within reasonable limits, you’re willing to be embarrassed for the sake of a good illustration.
15. You’ve had young adults come up to you and say, “I would never have graduated if it hadn’t been for your husband.”
When I put the question on Facebook, here were some of the answers. The discussion veered much more toward pastors' wives than school administrators'. I could relate to many of them.
1. You're expected to do a hundred jobs for free, because your husband gets paid or even partially paid for being pastor.
2. You're expected to teach children at church and fill in for anyone absent.
3. You hear the sermon multiple times before Sunday.
4. You make sure the back of your head looks ok because 98% of the congregation is behind you.
5. You're distracted by the message because the Pastor is so attractive.
6. You have the preacher read his scripture passage to you on Saturday night just to make sure he knows how to pronounce Ai.
7. When you had unexpected guests for Sunday dinner!
8. You are typically the last ones to leave church on Sundays and the hours are definitely not 9-5!!
9. Need to be ready for guests any moment of the day.
10. Every spring and fall you host the visiting evangelist for a week in your home.
11. You've left in the middle of the night to go be with someone.
12. You cut short your family vacation and return home early because of a death in the community.
13. You've mastered the skill of acting surprised when hearing "news" that you were told earlier in confidence.
14. You pay careful attention to the sermon, lest you get tested on it afterwards.
15. You raise your family on the front pew at church. Ideally, they should be well behaved, but you feel like you’re providing circus entertainment.
16. You spend time Saturday making sure everyone's Sunday clothes are in order.
17. If having your husband sit beside you during an entire church service is next thing to a date!!
[I would add to this: If you like going to funerals because it's usually just you and your husband in the car.]
18. When you're living in a parsonage and have a borrowed goat staked out in the front yard to trim the grass... but he gets loose and eats the church-owned snowball bush down to the ground.... and your very pregnant self tries to drag said animal away from the devastation... all the while sobbing about the damage... and potential repercussions...
19. When you aren't introduced by fellow members with your name. You are introduced as, "This is my pastor's wife."
20. Everyone else is going on family vacations.
21. If 75% of what you know you aren’t allowed to say, so you sit up late at night and write really bad stories under the guise of fiction novels, then you feed them through the shredder in dread of someone finding them and the sins that an entire community of people worked so hard to hide would be hung out like dirty laundry and those sensational TV shows about the Mennonites and Amish would come asking to use the material!
22. When your family vacations consist of a week of Bible camp with 3 services a day.
23. You meet new people and quickly realize that you know their dirty secrets, but they don't know you know.
24. You might be a pastor's wife if you know what missionary tea is.
25. Your dream vacation is somewhere without cell phone service.
26. A certain person probably knows that you were involved in a family reconciliation meeting and they keep bringing up the topic (such great concern, of course since it involves her family, too) in order to see what information they can get from you. And you would like to just smack her in the face and tell her to mind her own business - but you can't because your husband is a minister and you're a Christian and a non-resistant Mennonite, after all. So you just smile and act like you have no idea what she's talking about. Later you think of all the things you could have said that would have shut her up, but at the time all you wanted to do was not betray any confidences (and you didn't.)
27. You hear a huge mistake in the delivery or grammar of husband's message but you don't tell him until weeks later because you know he already feels like the message was a disaster.
28. If your husband serves on a denominational committee that requires out of state travel.
29. You know you are the pastor's wife when you feel like you are sitting in the sunshine when he preaches because you see the beauty and grace of God working in his life and your spirits meet in a wonderful way.
30. People are shocked when your kids misbehave.
31. When out-of-state visitors come to church and a thought pops into your head that you hope so-and-so doesn't do this or that...and then an inner sunshine lights your soul because you realize it doesn't matter---you know these people, you've heard their hearts and know they love God and are on a journey -- and it's not our church anyways, it's God's!
32. You may be a pastor's wife if: you've been to a hundred wedding rehearsals; you plan your vacations around the preaching schedule; you appear to enjoy visiting other churches; you're expected to be the encyclopedia of names and church historical events; you cringe as you hear the sound of toes being stomped on as the preacher brings truth, and rejoice with him later as people thank him for it; you are so distracted by a mispronounced word you can't remember the gist of the sermon; and you have spent Sunday afternoons praying against Satan, because the Word must have been especially effective that day.
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What do you call a black cop trying to arrest you?
A pigger.
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A kindergartener was given permission to show off his new puppy at a faculty meeting.When someone asked whether the puppy was a boy or a girl, the youngster grabbed the pup belly-up and showed it to his mother who said, "it's a boy." Turning back to the audience the boy sighed happily. "Isn't it wonderful?" he asked. "She can tell just by looking at the bottoms of their feet!"
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After a discussion of the water cycle the teacher was leading up to the idea of condensation.
"Why do you think we have dew on the grass when we wake up in the morning?"
A boy said, "Well, a lot of people walk their dogs at night."
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Whats worse than finding a kitten eating your tuna sandwich?
Finding a quarter of a kitten while you eat the sandwich, after thinking to yourself 'hmm, this tuna has so many little tiny bones in it, its almost crunchy, and it doesn't taste like its been cooked very thoroughly either...'
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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
lol
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? :zoinks:
lol
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57ta7mkgrOU
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A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day, she asked Jimmy what his problem was. He replied, “I’m too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the fourth grade, and I’m smarter than her too.”
The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Jimmy a test. If he failed to answer one question, then he would have to go back to the second grade and be quiet. The teacher and Jimmy both agreed.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Jimmy: “9.”
Principal: “6 x 6?”
Jimmy: “36.”
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a fourth grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher “I see no reason why Jimmy can’t go to the fourth grade, he answered all of my questions right.”
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jimmy agree.
Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”
Jimmy: “Legs”
Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”
The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answerin gJimmy says, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Jimmy: “Pants.”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”
Jimmy: “Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Jimmy in the fourth grade. I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”
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(more situational comedy pranks than a one liner or joke per se)
(when offering someone a cup of tea, premake them, and make them with gelatine, to turn them into a solid block. Then eventually, after claiming there is nothing wrong at all, and they must be drinking it wrong, give them the real hot cup of non-solidified tea)
The counterpart to this, needs keeping in the fridge. The gallium spoon. A teaspoon cast from an impression taken in clay etc or other suitable mold, cast in gallium, or gallium-a low percentage of indium. You do warn someone before they try to swallow any, although the alloy or metals aren't toxic, but it has a REALLY low melting point. Depending where you live you might try it or not be able to, because it'll melt in the hand if kept there. So quickly, after making your gallium-indium alloy spoon, you put it on a teacup saucer, and to keep it away from the heat, carry the tea.
The mark is to be offered sugar, and proffered the tea, and the spoon on the saucer. Mark picks up spoon, stirs tea, and then the spoon doesn't come back out of the tea, just a nub of handle thats likely to melt away from between their fingers. Followed by a mock bollocking for just destroying the priceless family silver heirlooms or something similar. Or 'don't you KNOW how low the melting point of platinum is?? (it really, really isn't low melting point metal, Pt is fucking hard to melt. You can't do it with a charcoal fire, although the ancient mesoamerican culture group had some societies that could work platinum with pyrometallurgical techniques, mixing Pt dust panned from a river with alluvial gold dust, and a little silver, which unlike the very high melting and corrosion resistant platinum can be worked with a charcoal-based flame and bellows etc. to cast it, and as an alloy, can be sintered together from the alluvial platinum dust, as IIRC it was the aztec, or possibly maya, possibly both, who mastered the technique long before we europeans even discovered the element Pt, and they'd melt them together as an alloy, then melt out the gold, allowing for malleable platinum to be worked, and sintered together from dust that we couldn't work, and indeed was so tough that it'd shut down silver mines if it was present.
Quite clever, I think, for such supposed primitives. Got to admit, I love ancient technological studies :) Stuff like ancient chinese multiple rocket launchers, repeating crossbows, even an automatic magazine-firing flywheel-powered catapult, and of other civilizations, flamethowers and a hideous anticavalry weapon using a piston-powered siphon mechanism to fire the toxic, blinding, flesh-corrosive sap of the tropical Euphorbia plants (Spurge family, nasty lot but some much worse than others), and at close range, they'd fire the these poison-guns into the faces of the cavalry horses, making them go berserk due to getting a face full of the phorbol ester nasty ass shit (one example, resiniferatoxin, is a capsaicin-like entity in what it does, only its a hyperpotent TRPV1 superagonist, packing about 16 BILLION scoville-units of virulent burning corrosive 'heat'. About a thousand times as potent as pure capsaicin from chili pepper.)
Not that I'd actually approve of using such a thing in this day and age, but that sort of thing had to be some weapon up close to break a cavalry charge and turn an enemy's horses into as big a threat to their own men as they would have been to yours, especially if the resources for a phalanx, or similar technology was not in use. These poison-gunners would have been effective, and a reconstruction done the weapon itself IIRC had a range of about 15 to a bit over that in feet.
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A middle-aged married couple had three beautiful daughters but always they want to have a son.
Couple decided to try one more time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
The cheerful father rushed to the delivery room to see his new baby boy.
He was terrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the three beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and answered:
‘No, not this time!’
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.
One week later, the Punch Newspaper, in Ibadan, Nigerian, reported the following:
“After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard Lucky Ade, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.”
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:zoinks:
(http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/librarian-humor.jpg)
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A young couple Cynthia and Scott were on their honeymoon and were staying at a five-star hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and Cynthia donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon noticed that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, Cynthia and Scott would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed swell for dinner and headed to their hotel’s stylish restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the Cynthia asked their waitress why the aquarium had no fish in it, she smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium young lady…that’s the swimming pool!”
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:zoinks:
(http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/librarian-humor.jpg)
:lol1:
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Here are a few.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
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LOL QV.
All too true about government employees.
You'd have to be..well I won't insult the intellectually challenged to make a point. But you DO have to be either a fucking moron or a viper in the nest to survive in such an environment. There are probably some that manage both. I had one for a roommate who would make an ideal government employee on that basis, hell, would make the first female prime minister, a borderline, bipolar klepto cancer made flesh and melded with the soul of a devil, vomited forth as some sort of perverted inverse menstruation from the foetid bowels of Tartarus onto a platter carved from carved coprolite and engraved with It's name in an infernal tongue so foul hell shuns it.
And so outright vile, that after It's unsuccessful attempt to gut me with It's katana, ending with both of us with long blades drawn and me giving her a knuckle sandwich with extra thumping-sauce, disarming her and keeping my sword at her throat and grabbing a revolver whilst she was searched and given her marching orders, and being told that if she ever came back, other than to retrieve her belongings after I'd searched through them all and bagged up what actually belonged to her, taken a slice of some of the more useful items and thrown the rest out into the street, that I'd execute her on sight.
Thankfully you yank folk have the creature known forever henceforth to this family as 'The Bitch', the very name of It is equivalent to the vilest profanity one could think to utter with a human larynx and vocal apparatus in any tongue known to the human species. A dirty, rotten filthy fucking hellwhore bitch from sewers of the most repugnant noxious pit in Tartarus. Something HIV would not deign to fuck in the eyesockets with a razor-edged dick fashioned from frozen dog shit. and slathered with putrescent smallpox-oozings and pus slobbering forth from the ruptured buboes of a plague-carcass slowly burst in a wine-press built to crush the grapes of Satan's own harvest.
She'd make an excellent first british prime minister. Being both a Fucking Borderline Disease-Bitch and a gorgon-slut serpent birthed from a cancerous rat-vagina. A snake and a real dumb fucking cunt at the same time. Definitely not the sharpest tool in a box filled only with hammers and bastard-files (well what other type would be suitable for slowly, painfully filing off the teeth of The Bitch but a bastard-file :autism:), her serpentine, poisonous nature was instinctive, not by intellect Just born poison. And to boot, It was a fucking disgrace to our very blood and a slander upon autism most unforgivable by 'virtue' of It's very existence as a fucking autistic, something vile that should not have been born autistic. Or for that matter, ever born at all and not immediately postnatally aborted via having it's skull put in a vice and slowly burst :autism:
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Lestat, I understand your opinion and feelings about government employees. Buuuuuuut, I was a government auditor (auditing state and local governments) and an internal auditor at a state university for 25 years.
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:lol1:
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Well there are exceptions to most rules. I mean politics and bureaucrats really. Thats where your going to find the arseholes and arsehole-lickers, jobsworths and fuckwits in non-jobs that really have no valid reason to be allowed to exist.
And if theres one thing thats always got my back up its a bloody buggering jobsworth. No matter whether its a government 'job' or any other area of 'work' that quite honestly, isn't. Some people are just snots that like wielding power over others. They need lining up and shooting in the face. With a cannon loaded with rusty screws, nails, broken glass, pairs of nuts attached together by lengths of wire as DIY chainshot. And at least one of the jobsworths attached via the abdomen to the muzzle of the cannon.
Thats humor in and of itself. A jobsworth being blown from a gun, as the old medieval term went for a particularly barbarous and nasty method of execution. Hell, if jobsworths had a spine, then their spine and attached sternum could be used to help form a further cloud of shrapnel. But no jobsworth ever has had or ever will have anything of greater consistency than a notochord.
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Interesting story about my job. One evening about 10 p.m. I was zipping along on the Interstate listening to the baseball World Series. Suddenly flashing red lights behind me.
I pull over and a state trooper walks up to my car. My car was a Dodge Charger SE (think Shaft) beige with a totally black interior. I handed him my driver's license and for some reason he asked me what I did. I told him I worked for The Legislative Auditor (yes, a capitol T is part of the official name). He turned a funny shade of some weird colour and handed me back my license saying, "There's no way I'm giving you a ticket." I replied, "I was speeding and I'll get in trouble if you don't give me a ticket." Back and forth for a bit and I just gave up.
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If you really need to give away money, no need to give it to the police. Just sayin'. :zoinks:
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father”.
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Grace”.”
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says “Your Eminence”.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness”.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well…?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,
Slim,
Tall,
38D breast,
24″ waist and
34” hips.
When she walks into a room everyon says, "My God!"
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Farmer Emmet lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was extreme and so fast that his chickens and ducks were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Emmet phoned the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these traffic, people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens and ducks.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the Sheriff Jules.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy cars!” So the next day he had the workers go out and put up a sign that said: ‘Slow – School Crossing’.
A few days later Farmer Emmet called the Sheriff Jules again and said, “You’ve got to do something about these damn drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”
So, again, the Sheriff sends out the workers and they put up a new sign: ‘Slow- Children At Play’.
That really sped them up. So Farmer Emmet phoned and phoned and phoned every day for a month. In the end, he asked the Sheriff, “Your signs are not working. Can I put up my own sign?” The Sheriff Jules told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Emmet do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
Jules got no more calls from Emmet.A month later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Emmet a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that we could use to slow down drivers…” So Sheriff Jules drove out to Farmer Emmet’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
‘Nudist Camp’
‘Go slowly and watch out for the chicks’
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Patient Rusty goes to the Dr.Graham’s office after a mountain hiking.
Doctor Graham: I have a bad new and a very worse one.
Patient Rusty: Jesus Christ!, might as well give me the bad news first.
Dr. Graham: Our laboratory called with your test results. They said you have just twenty four hours to live.
Poor Rusty: Twenty four hours! That’s awful! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor Graham: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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Being a govt auditor doesn't make you a shit, QV.
Hell, it puts you in the ideal position to put your foot up the arse of a whole load of pencil-pushing haploid twats who ought to be flogged to death with a sock filled with frozen dog shit:autism:
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Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”
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A European married couple Francois and Nadine, were having an argument about who should brew the tea each morning.
Nadine said, “You should do it, because you get up before me, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our tea.”
Francois said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for tea.” Nadine replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the tea.”
Francois shocked and replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”
So Nadine fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “Hebrews.”
-
What do you call a hindu apostate?
A hin-dont.
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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb.
If your breed isn't listed feel free to add it along with it's input on the question.
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I don't find this one funny or even sensible, but I'm posting it in the sprirt of fair humour.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, doctor,” she asked, “how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“That’s easy,” replied he. “You ask them a simple question which they should be able to answer with no trouble.
“What sort of question would you ask, doctor?”
“Well, I might ask him …” Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one? ”
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh:
“I would not know what I would like to do.”
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Pit bull: Get my light back on before I ram that bulb up your ass and make you crush it by smacking yourself repeatedly in the sphincter with a hammer ysonuvabitch :P
Shih-tzu and similar little handbag-dogs for vacuous celebrities : yipyipyipyipyipyipBZZZTTTTTT, after the owner finally gets thoroughly fed-up with all that damn BARKING.
Police dog: only one. It holds the bulb up in it's trotters then sits back and waits for the world to revolve around it.
Faye Kane's dog-sorry, I'm too busy porking my owner in some sort of sick fuck autie kinkstress video. Arroof...why? how many lightbulbs can you fit in YOUR ass?
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I don't find this one funny or even sensible, but I'm posting it in the sprirt of fair humour.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, doctor,” she asked, “how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“That’s easy,” replied he. “You ask them a simple question which they should be able to answer with no trouble.
“What sort of question would you ask, doctor?”
“Well, I might ask him …” Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one? ”
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh:
“I would not know what I would like to do.”
I'm left wondering if not understanding it means we're blonde?
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I'm left wondering if not understanding it means we're blonde?
Yeah, I didn't get it either. :dunno: I looked it up and I think maybe that's the wrong punchline. :lol1:
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'newsflash-unfortunate incident of dog-on-dog rape resulting in a litter happened during a church sermon between two guide-dogs. More unfortunately still, one of the pair was a shih-tzu, badly wounded in the assault, and the other was a bulldog. To compound the matter, the breed, owing to size constraints, is new, and the vicar was naive enough to hold a church competition and raffle to name the breed and help pay for the little dog's vet bills; only to realize what he had done after his sermon had finished and the raffle already announced.' Several church-goers died of embarrassment whilst several more choked to death on their own tongues the following week. Coroner's report said only that it was not the result of malice, and that it was quite inevitable.
As the report of the incident was first covered in the 'news'paper 'The Sun', the breed is now formally recognized as the bull-shit terrier. Known now to be highly prone to barking at nothing, chasing its own tail and blaming other dogs, and a particularly bad habit of defaecating, picking their waste up in their mouths and shaking their heads rapidly from side to side, showering all who come into contact with them in complete and total dogshit. Also prone to bouts of extreme hypocrisy, in addition to taking food and doing its best to communicate deliberate and extreme lies after the fact, including leading owners to other dogs and pointing in order to implicate and slander them for their wrongdoings. The breed henceforth became very well known in just a very short time indeed for their massive tendency towards whining.
Another new breed, this one bred for law enforcement: the Schweinhunde
What do you call an australian dog with a severe hangover? a dingothefuckaway
(this part is true)-there are reports that in his youth, the former british PM david cameron sodomized a pig.
I hear that the current deputy PM fucked a dog. It's name was theresa may, a well known and much-despised scabby, semiferal flea-ridden mongrel bitch, who unfortunately seems to have survived so far, every attempt to put it down.
Hot on the heels of the seeing eye dog, scientists working in the field of genetics have now come up with the smelling ear dog, and the hearing scrotum dog.
What do you get when you throw a dog face first into a gate? a labra-door.
A man walks into a pound, to rehome an animal. Taking pity on one particular dog, of a common middle eastern breed, that nobody wanted, and was unkempt and unloved, he asked why nobody wanted the dog. And the man was told 'nobody wants this thing, it was left behind by some arab, and as such, it smells awful, has a bad temper, but here, just get it out of here, we don't want the little fucker either.
Still, the guy takes the dog with him, having forgotten in the conversation with the manager of the dog pound to ask what breed it was, since he didn't specify. The moment he first took it for a walk in a crowded city center, the dog attacks, detonating violently in a shower of blood, internal organs and canine bone-shrapnel, killing many people in a crowded shopping mall.
It was determined later, when only the remains of the collar along with some wiring, were found by first responders, and the former owner of the dog told that he had rehomed a pit-bull terrorist, a breed disliked by many and well known for their explosive temper.
Faye Kane got a dog, I hear, and when asked why it kept getting so many erections, Faye replied 'mmfffffll'...sorry, shouldn't talk with my mouth full'
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Police officer Vernon found a perfect hiding place to catch speeding motorists.
One sunny day, Officer Vernon was confused when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the case.
Officer Vernon saw a nine years old little boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted banner which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”
A little more investigative work led Vernon to the boy’s accomplice; another nine years old boy about fifty meters beyond the radar trap with a banner reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
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An oldie but goodie:
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
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Borderline clean
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read:
Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift. The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.
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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says: “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”
The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!” The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says: “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence” The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.”
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?”
-
:laugh: He should be allowed to stay.
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One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests.
The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, “Do you know who I am?”
The prof said, “No and I don’t care.”
The student asked again, “Are you sure you don’t know who I am?”
The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
“Good” the student said, and walked out. He passed.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jjzNsDAOgQ
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A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
“Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too – even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.
Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.”
At the bottom of the page were the letters ” PTO”.
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.
I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Rosie
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:rofl: +
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When I heard this back in the 60's it was a Jaguar.
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady’s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
“Wow!” the man said. “Can I take it for a test drive?” Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady’s house.
“Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”
“My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.”
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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant:
“Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,
“Ask him again where my damn money is!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”
The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”
The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell…that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0qVciN4lTs
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A bit long, but definitely worth it.
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America, one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. “He’s a very busy man.” “But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
“$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The President was suprised to see all this cash, so he asked her,
“Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?”
The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.”
Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets?
What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing.
“Yes, you heard me.
In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”
The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one.
“You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.”
He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”
The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”
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A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
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A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
-
After being married for twenty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, and then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asked, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Amazing, Bright, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fantastic, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She felt very happy and said, “Oh my dear, that’s so lovely.
What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
-
I think that is very clever!
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I think that is very clever!
thank you.
Humour is a very personal thing. Sometimes a joke clicks, sometimes it dies. Hopefully I reach at least everyone once with my copied jokes.
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A probate attorney discusses with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three millions dollars,’ the attorney reads.
‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’
‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Frederick, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.
Well, you were wrong. Hi Frederick!’
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An oldie but goodie:
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
LOL
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9A4Xy3OWozA
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Rebecca was driving home from one of her business trips in New Mexico when she saw an old Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the old Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the trip, Rebecca tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a black leather bag on the seat next to Rebecca.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Rebecca looked down at the leather bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for a few seconds. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”
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A probate attorney discusses with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three millions dollars,’ the attorney reads.
‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’
‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Frederick, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.
Well, you were wrong. Hi Frederick!’
:laugh:
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!”
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There was a man named Schumacher who got a new job. His co-workers always met for a round of golf every Sunday. They asked Schumacher to meet them at 9.00 A.M. Sunday morning. Schumacher replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Sunday morning Schumacher was there at exactly 9:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Sunday rolls around, and Schumacher says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next weeks, with Schumacher always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
His co-workers are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”Hey Schumi, every Sunday you say you may be 10 minutes late. You never be late. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?”
Schumacher replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Sunday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”
”Well,” one of his friend asked, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?” Schumacher answers, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”
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:lol1:
Love that one.
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A man walks into a pet shop and asks for a goldfish.
The employee asks him "would you like an aquarium?".
The man replied "I don't care what star sign it is, just give me a goldfish!".
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I almost witnessed a murder yesterday.
But only one crow showed up!
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I almost witnessed a murder yesterday.
But only one crow showed up!
:oneliner:
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Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because there's no dental records and the DNA is all the same.
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A young teenager was on her first babysitting job to earn money. At bedtime, she sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and sat down to watch television. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the babysitter was firm that he should go back to bed.
At 9 pm, the doorbell rang and a woman asked if her son was there. The babysitter responded “No”, and began to close the door. Just then a little fellow appeared at the spot and shouted, “I am here Mummy but she would not let me go home!”
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Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
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A new marine Gus was on sentry duty at the main entrance. His orders were clear – no automobile was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army truck came up with a general seated in the back. Gus said, “Hold on!, who goes there?”
The driver, a corporal, says, “General Carson.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
Gus said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general again said, “I’m telling you, corporal, drive on!”
New marine Gus walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new on this duty. Do I shoot you or the chauffeur?”
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At court:
– Mr. Wrot Chukamot, why didn’t you pay your cell phone bills for a year?
– Your honor, I immigrated to the United States because I was told this country is committed to free speech. How can I pay cell phone bills if I know we have free speech here?
-
ˆgroan
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ˆgroan
What did you expect from a clean joke? Proufound humour?
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ˆgroan
What did you expect from a clean joke? Proufound humour?
Yes please. :P
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It may not be profound, but this one will require some thought.
After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers:
“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal.
The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”
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:lol1:
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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. “Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”
The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”
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Tucker wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the internet and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Repellent.” He calls the number, and the bear repeller says he’ll be over in fifteen minutes. The bear repeller arrives, and gets out of his panel van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old doberman.
“What are you going to do,” Tucker asks?
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the doberman is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the panel van.”
He hands the shotgun to the Tucker. “Why you give this shotgun to me?” asks Tucker.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
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A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders a slap-up meal. He finishes his meal, takes out a gun and shoots the waiter stone dead. As the Panda is leaving, the manager shouts that not only has he shot his waiter but he hasn’t paid for his meal. The Panda yells back, “I’m a Panda – look it up.”
The manager took out a dictionary and saw this definition under Panda.
“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by its distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves!”
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Cleaner than the "eats bushes and leaves" that I heard.
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They released a humorous grammar-naziism book by that title 'eats shoots and leaves'
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By Lynne Truss, IIRC.
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During their holiday and while they were visiting Holy City (Jerusalem), Dennis’ mother- in- law had a heart attack and died. With death certificate in hand, Dennis went to the British Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the city for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Dennis that the sending of a body back to the city for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as ten thousands dollars.
The Consul continues to explain, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost a hundred and fifty dollars.
Dennis thinks about it for a few seconds and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”
The Consul, after hearing this sentence, says, “You really must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price.”
“No, that’s not the reason,” replies Dennis. “You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Holy City. On the fourth day he came back from the dead! I just can’t take the risk."
(This post has the approval of the Church of England.)
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Whats the difference between a paedophile and a pig?
One has the sex appeal of a car crash plowing headlong into a paediatric oncology ward.
The other wears a blue uniform and gets issued with a badge.
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An advocate was on holiday in a small farming town. While walking through the silent streets on Saturday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the advocate figured that there was some sort of car accident. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started yelling loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a cow.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFtfXMGjdvw
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By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded to the last hotel manager, “Or just a bed–I don’t really care where. I’m completely exhausted”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and I’m sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
“Never better.” John said.
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope. I shut him up in no time.”
“How’d you manage that?”
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, “Good night, beautiful” and he sat up all night watching me.”
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Melanie and her brother Sean are talking to each other when the little Sean gets up and walks over to his Grandfather and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”
The Grandfather says, “No, kid.”
Sean goes on, “Please .. please make a frog noise.”
The Grandfather says, “No,now leave me alone and go play.”
Sean then says to his sister Melanie, “Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”
So Melanie goes to her Grandfather and says, “Please make a frog noise.”
The Grandfather says, “I just told your brother ‘no’ and I’m telling you ‘no’.” Melanie says, “Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise.” The Grandfather says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”
Melanie replied, “Because, mom said when you croak we can go to Walt Disney World!
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORTId_o0xXE
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My daughter who is at college came to me in tears the other day saying that I have given her terrible financial advice. When I quizzed her on what she meant she said, “It was you that said to put all my money into that particular bank and now it has troubles.”
“You must be mistaken” I told her, “It’s one of the biggest in the county.”
“Well, why have they just sent back my checks with a note that says,
‘Insufficient funds’!
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It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, “Screw him. Give him a dollar.” The breakfast was my idea.”
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Mr. Beschastnykh is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls.
The first accountant guy walks in and starts to introduce himself, “I’m here for the accounting position.” The boss asks him, “What’s 4×4?” “16” replies the accountant. Mr.Beschastnykh tells him to get out. Upset, disappointed, and confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office.
The next candidate then enters and the boss asks him, “What’s 4×4?”. “16” replies the accountant. Mr.Beschastnykh tells him to get out.
Just as confused as the first accountant, the second one leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn’t want to work there anyway.
The next candidate then enters and the boss asks him, “What’s 4×4?”. The accountant guy replies, “Anything you want it to be.” Mr.Beschastnykh says, “You’re hired.”
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From the internet:
My uncle listened to the scanner in Spokane, WA all the time.
Once there was a report of shots fired and multiple calls for backup culminating in a cop shouting, “They’re all around us! They’re everywhere!”
Turns out they’d wandered onto Air Force land and were in the middle of a military exercise.
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The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”
Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?” Anna: “Your husband he say so.” Wife: “Really?”
Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?” Anna: “Your husband said.” Wife increasingly angried: “Oh he did, did he?”
Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?” Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
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A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the cashier, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.” :zoinks:
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An oldie
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak… “woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph”
“That’s amazing” exclaimed the father. “You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground”?
“No”, said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago!”
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A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the cashier, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.” :zoinks:
:congrats: Good one
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The telephone rang at dawn. “Hello, Señor Ralph? This is Alfredo, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Hi, Alfredo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Señor Ralph, that your parrot died.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”
“Yes, Señor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating rotten meat, Señor Ralph.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Señor Ralph.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Señor Ralph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”
“My God! What fire are you talking about?”
“The one at your house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”
“What the hell . . . ? Are you telling me that my $5m mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
“Yes, Señor Ralph.”
“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Señor Ralph.”
“What bloody funeral?”
“Your wife’s, Señor Ralph. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods’ Nike driver.”
There was a lengthy silence.
“Alfredo, if you broke that driver, you’re in real trouble…”
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Couldn't resist this one from a forum I read:
Not in a store, but when Mini Shadow 3 was about three he decided to yell out during the silent prayer time in Sunday morning church, "Mommy! My penis is STRETCHY!!!" Cue stifled snickers all around and my immediate application into the witness protection program. Yes, my friends still remind me of that on occasion, because that's what good friends are supposed to do.
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:laugh:
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A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.
“Oh, I don’t care” said the waiter with a smile, “We don’t even have an air conditioner!”
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The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
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Today I was in the checkout line buying some birthday balloons, and a guy was behind me in line with his little girl who was maybe about four years old. She was pointing at a magazine and said she had seen the lady with the glasses on tv. Her dad asked her if she knew who that is. The girl said, she's the president! It was Oprah on the magazine cover. :lol1:
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A good clean Good Humor truck :zoinks:
(http://alphabetsoupblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/GoodHumor-600x193.jpg)
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A good clean Good Humor truck :zoinks:
(http://alphabetsoupblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/GoodHumor-600x193.jpg)
Perfectly well done. I'll have a fudgesicle.
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Can I have an icy pun?
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No, but I'll give you the cold shoulder.
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One Sunday preacher Josue told the community that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering box. The preacher said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering were passed, Josue looked at the box and noticed that someone had placed a thousand dollars in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his pleasure with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the parishioner who placed the money in the box.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
The old lady’s eyes brightened as she looked over the community, pointed to the three handsomest men in the church and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
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A job coach went to a primary school, in order to ask the children what they wanted to be when they reach adulthood.
So he enters a classroom, and sits down.
The first kid he meets, he asks 'whats your name, and what do you want to be when your older'
The kid replies 'its michael, sir' and I want to be a bricklayer, like my dad'
The job coach says 'thats good, michael, a bricklayer, thats good, solid reliable work'
The job coach goes to his next charge, and asks him the same question. Kiddo replies 'my name is james, sir, and I'd like to be a carpenter, like my daddy before me'. Job coach replies 'thats a good line of work, good idea'
Then he goes on to talk to the third kid. He asks the child 'what's your name and what do you want to be when you grow up lad?
The young boy hangs his head, looking sad, and replies 'My name is johhny, but I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, sir'
The job coach asks 'Johnny, what did your father do?'; Johnny looks down, and near sobbing, whispers 'my daddy is dead, sir'. So the job coach gently puts a hand on his shoulder, sits down by little Johhny and asks 'well, what did he do before he died, son?'
Johnny looks at the job coach, and replies 'his face turned blue, he clutched at his chest, fell on the floor spasming and screaming for help, before shitting himself all over the carpet you insensitive fucking prick, now fuck off and stop turning my day to shite you goddamned horse's arse'
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Mickey mouse goes to a divorce lawyer, tells him he wants a divorce from Minnie.
The lawyer brings the case to court, then the judge examines Mickey's petition, and says 'having buck teeth is not grounds for divorce, this case has no merit'
Then Mickey mouse replies 'I didn't say she had buck teeth, you blithering moron, I SAID she was fucking goofy'
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUINFs1Sp94
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJUg5iGyy-Q
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehH9OQMQXIk
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Some tourists from different countries in the Natural History Museum of London are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of the tourists asks the Curator, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The Curator replies, “They are two million, five years, and eight months old.”
“That’s an extremely exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The Curator answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were two million years old when I started working here, and that was five years and eight months ago!”
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Advocates should never ask a Jerseyite grandmother a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Jerseyite small-town prosecuting advocate called his first witness, a grandmother, old woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Reece, do you know me?”
Mrs. Reece responded, “Of course I know you, Mr. Wang. I’ve known you since you were a young kid, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I absolutely know you.”
The advocate was shocked! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Reece, do you know the defense advocate?”
The old lady again replied, “Of course I know Mr. Anderson since he was a teenager, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with four different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense advocate Mr. Anderson almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you imbeciles asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.
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:lol1:
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Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: ‘My poor friend, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the symbol of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.
In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!’
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar who sits next to him with the Cross and said:
‘Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?’
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LMFAO QV. Thats gotta be one of the best jew-jokes I've heard in quite some time, pretty artfully done :D
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One stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy avenue.
Cars quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen unconscious man’s collar, a guy emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”
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Fidel had a giant problem. He forgot his wedding anniversary on Tuesday. His wife Annabel really got angry.
She furiously told him “Next morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in 2.1 seconds. And it better be there, Fidel.”
The next morning Fidel got up early and left for work. When Annabel woke up, she looked out the window and saw a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway.
Amazed Annabel, put on her dressing gown and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened the box and saw a brand new electronic bathroom scale.
Fidel hasn’t been home since Wednesday.
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Negotiations between union members and their bosses were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their argeement.
A working day morning at the bargaining table, the company’s head negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”
There on the newspaper page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local bowling tournament with high score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the auditorium.
“Incredible!” he said. “Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn’t sick!”
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An old woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an uninvited quest. She caught the thief red-handed, and screamed, “Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized…)!”
The thief stopped dead in his tracks. The old woman then calmly called the police station and explained what she had done.
As the police officer handcuffed the thief, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the thief, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s Smith Wesson!”
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Married couple Heidi and Jack went into city and visited a dress shop. When they came out, there was a police officer writing out a parking ticket.. Jack went up to the officer and he said, “Come on, sir, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” The police officer ignored the couple and continued writing the parking ticket. Jack called him an “as*hole.” He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Heidi called the officer a “but*head”.
The officer finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more and more tickets.
This went on for about half an hour. The more they abused him, the more tickets he wrote. The police officer finally finished, sneered at Heidi and Jacques, and walked away. Just then their bus arrived, and they got on it and went home.
Heidi and Jack always look for cars with Trump stickers. They try to have a little fun each day now that they’re retired. It’s so important at their age.
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LMAO! I would SO do that, if I ever spot anybody's car in that situation displaying a sticker in support of that fucking slag Theresa May, who so needs to be shot up the arse and raped with a sideways brick wrapped in barbed wire on the end of a long rusty metal spike coated in dog crap and left to die. Or anyone displaying support for the conservatives or labour party. May is the fucking antichrist and needs to slime off back to perdition from whence she metastasized. She makes me think of a bloated, pallid, wriggling and writhing, disease-riddled grub, burrowing it's way through the fabric of society as she destroyed it. Corbyn is an oleaginous, demagogic, oxygen-embezzling compulsive onanist, who deserves to be roasted alive on a spit and before he dies, fed to a pack of rottweilers, or injected all over his body with syringes full of pus, and left to turn into one gigantic abscess and die screaming in shrieking, howling delirious agony, whilst somebody slowly crushes his pus-filled abscess sores until they burst inside him and septicaemia consumes him.
Bloody vile little bastards, the pair of them.
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:lol1:
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Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.
The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, “What’s the first thing
you see when you look at me?”
The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.” The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen around here again.”
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, “Uh, you’ve got no ears.”
The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company. As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.”
“Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.”
The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.” The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?”
The applicant answered, “What? Are you stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!”
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tired- looking eyes blond Julie dragged herself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They howl all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Wonderful,” Julie answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later Julie returned, looking worse than ever. “Doctor, your plan is failed. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest sleeping pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blond wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”
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After a day good fishing on Logan Lake, amateur fisherman Oliver is walking from the pier carrying two mackerel in a bucket. He is approached by a Protection Officer who asks him for his fishing license.
Oliver says to the officer, “I was not fishing and I did not catch these mackerels, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I’m ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, tells him that it is unlawful to fish without a license.
Oliver turns to the officer and says, “If you don’t believe then watch me,” as he throws the mackerel back into the water.
The officer says, “Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket.”
Oliver turns to the officer and says, “What fish?”
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A couple were attending their first pre-natal class. So that the husband could get an idea of what it felt like to be pregnant, the instructor strapped a bag of sand to his stomach.
As he walked around with his new bulge, the husband said: “This doesn’t feel too bad.”
Then the instructor deliberately dropped a pen and said to the husband: “Now I want you to pick up that pen as if you were pregnant.”
“You want me to do it the way my wife would?” confirmed the husband.
“Exactly the same,” said the instructor.
The husband turned to his wife and said: “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
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http://michaellinnell.org.uk/michael_linnell_archive/crime_and_punishment/pdf/CP2_Charlies.pdf
This is pretty fucking funny. There is sort of an element of british humor to this, but to explain that, salford is right on the outskirts of manchester and the picture they are painting in this cartoon, if anything its too complimentary, theres scally bellends crawling all over the place like pus seeping from a diseased, cancerous twat sore.
Enjoy, folks.
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An art teacher who entered the classroom found the regular teacher wasn't there. She was reassured by a little girl who said, " It's okay. I'm the room thermometer."
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I don't get it QV.
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Room monitor did she mean to say?
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Room monitor did she mean to say?
Yep
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Not exactly humourous, but I liked it.
The language of poetry comes easily to a child's lips. A girl arrives at school clutching a wilted rose for her teacher, saying, "It was pretty when I picked it, but now it's fainted."
Another girl taking a walk with her class exclaims, "Oh look! Our line is all wrinkled."
One of my favorite poets is the first grader whose teacher noticed he wasn't his usual energetic self. "Don't you feel well?" she asked. "No," he said, "I think I've got peanut butter stuck to my heart."
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Another girl taking a walk with her class exclaims, "Oh look! Our line is all wrinkled."
This one I really like.
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A student wandered into class 15 minutes late carrying a rather large tortoise. "Sorry I'm late, " he said, "but I couldn't help it. My turtle followed me to school."
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A student wandered into class 15 minutes late carrying a rather large tortoise. "Sorry I'm late, " he said, "but I couldn't help it. My turtle followed me to school."
I like this one.
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Driving into work one morning, a man could only watch in horror as his car shuddered to a halt in the busy rush hour traffic. All his attempts at restarting the car failed and he was left to contemplate a lengthy wait until the vehicle breakdown service arrived.
Then from nowhere a pigeon landed on the hood and began looking inquisitively through the windshield. Soon it was joined by two dozen more pigeons. The driver had always considered pigeons to be particularly stupid birds but he looked on in amazement as they then produced a length of rope and began tying it around the car’s front bumper. By now a hundred more pigeons had descended and each bird grabbed a section of rope in its beak and began to pull the car.
As more pigeons flew in to join the Herculean effort, the car slowly but surely began to edge forward. Soon they were clocking a respectable two miles per hour and within forty-five minutes these incredible birds were dragging the vehicle into the car park of the driver’s office.
As he stepped out of his car, a female work colleague, who had witnessed the unorthodox arrival, said to him: “All these years and I never knew you were pigeon-towed.”
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The Artificial Intelligence Quantum Computer stood at the end of the most famous computer company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The CEO stepped forward to give his prepared demo. ”This,” he proudly said, ”is the Artificial Intelligence Quantum Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.”
A ‘know-it-all’ guy who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, ‘Where is my father?’
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Screen lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: ‘Yacht trip in Phuket Island.’
The ‘know-it-all’ guy laughed, ‘Actually, my father is not alive! It was a trick question.’
The CEO, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Quantum Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The ‘Know-it-all’ guy said to the Quantum Computer, ‘Where is my mother’s husband?’ Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a second, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, ‘Dead. But your father is still on a yacht in Phuket.’
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Night after night, a keen ornithologist stood in his backyard hooting like an owl. After weeks of getting no reply, he suddenly heard an owl hoot back at him. He was overjoyed at the response and for the next nine months man and bird kept up a regular dialogue of hooting. He was fascinated by his ability to relate to a wild creature and kept a detailed record of all their conversations.
Just when he was about to take his findings to the Natural History Society, his wife happened to be talking to a neighbour who lived four doors away.
“My husband spends his night calling to owls,” she confided.
“That’s funny,” said the neighbour. “So does mine!”
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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on his wife’s movements. The husband demanded more than just a written report – he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a tape and sat down to watch it with the husband. As the tape played, he saw his wife meeting another man. He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them having a playful fight in the street. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
When the tape ended, the distraught husband said: “I can’t believe this!”
“What’s not to believe?” asked the detective. “It’s right up there on the screen. The camera never lies.”
The husband replied: “What I mean is, I can’t believe my wife is so much fun!”
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Often when a child doesn't know an answer he will use his imagination to come up with something plausible, just as we adults do. A class was studying the parts of the Mass and the priest asked, "Why do we call Christ 'the Lamb of G_d'?". A boy thought about it and replied, "I guess so we can sing that song, 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'"
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Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, “Go into that room and kill your wife.”
The guy says, “No way” and leaves FBI headquarters.
The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses.
Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.
“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!”
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Married Karen was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Peter.
Suddenly, Peter burst into the kitchen.
“Be careful,” he said, “Karen be careful! Put in some more butter! Good grief.
You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn eggs! Turn eggs now! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! Careful woman careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn eggs again! Hurry up! Are you kidding? You are really crazy. Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.Where is the salt?
Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!”
Karen, unbelievably, stared at her husband. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
Peter calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving the car.”
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Heh, my parents' names are Karen and Peter. :zoinks:
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Is this how they do it? :zoinks:
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I've never seen this kind of interaction between them.
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My mum used to tell my dad how to drive all the time. He was never particularly bothered, as far as I can remember.
She tried it with me once or twice. I simply stopped the car, got out, and told her to drive.
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Fidel had a giant problem. He forgot his wedding anniversary on Tuesday. His wife Annabel really got angry.
She furiously told him “Next morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in 2.1 seconds. And it better be there, Fidel.”
The next morning Fidel got up early and left for work. When Annabel woke up, she looked out the window and saw a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway.
Amazed Annabel, put on her dressing gown and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened the box and saw a brand new electronic bathroom scale.
Fidel hasn’t been home since Wednesday.
...wish *my* scale just went from 0 to 100.
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Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, “Go into that room and kill your wife.”
The guy says, “No way” and leaves FBI headquarters.
The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses.
Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.
“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!”
lol, heard that one before. Classic.
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My mum used to tell my dad how to drive all the time. He was never particularly bothered, as far as I can remember.
She tried it with me once or twice. I simply stopped the car, got out, and told her to drive.
Hahaha, good one!
With Kayleigh, if she does it, I tell her she can get out and walk.
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It's really effective in the middle of nowhere.
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Am in the only one who HATED driving? I really did, i see too much to let it all in at one point, thats the issue with hyperstimulation as default.
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I make some pretty big sacrifices to avoid driving.
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Am in the only one who HATED driving? I really did, i see too much to let it all in at one point, thats the issue with hyperstimulation as default.
PA hated driving also. He had a wreck about 3 weeks into going out. I drove 90% of the time after that. Any long distance (out of city) I definitely drove.
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Sorry for no humour the past few days. Nursing a broken toe and bruised side and not feeling very jolly. Jokes will be back soon.
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I only got as far as taking lessons, then the seizures started so I fucked it off. Albeit I doubt they'd actually cause a problem, given they near exclusively happen when just coming out of sleep. I'd be fine enough on a motorbike etc, I just don't like the enclosed environment of cars and its feeling as though there is a layer removed between the steering and response, I really don't like that at all. I'm much more comfortable with the instant response of bikes compared to the slight delay of cars.
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So while the good dad was teaching tolerance to his brazen son, the son killed a butterfly
Dad says no butter for two weeks!
Next day the harsh son killed a honey bee.
Dad says no honey for two weeks!
When they got home they found out that the wife had killed a cockroach.
Son says do want to tell her or do I have to?
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My driving is like my cooking. It's not great, but it's not really awful either. I don't like it, but I'll do it anyway.
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Sorry for no humour the past few days. Nursing a broken toe and bruised side and not feeling very jolly. Jokes will be back soon.
:( :hug:
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I'm ok at driving and I make sure I take my ADHD meds beforehand.
QV, I have never broken a toe, just stubbed one good and proper. And damn, that was enough. You definitely have my sympathy. :hug: if you'd like one.
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Get well soon QV *makes with the chicken soup*
How did it happen?
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vp0d18LT3os
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Celeste takes her seventeen year old daughter to the doctor.
“OK, Celeste, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Estelle. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Estelle a good inspection, then turns to Celeste and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Estelle is pregnant about four and a half months would be my thought.”
Celeste says disbelievingly, “Pregnant?! That’s impossible! She can’t be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Estelle?” Estelle says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!” The doctor walked over to the clinic’s window and stared outside.
After ten minutes silence Celeste said, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?” The doctor replied, “No, not at it. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’m not going to miss it this time around!”
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Angry wife Jasmine on phone, asks to her husband Leroy: “Where the hell are you?”
Leroy: “Babe, do you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond ring and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Babe it’ll be yours one day’?”
Jasmine, with a huge smile and blushing: “Yeah I remember that my love!”
Leroy: “I’m in the pub just next to that jewelry shop.”
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch the wall!”
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Alexander called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
“Wear your worn out clothing. Let him think you are poor,” the accountant replied.
Then Alexander asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most expensive suit and tie.”
Confused, Alexander went to Preacher, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.”Let me tell you a story,” replied the Preacher.
“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her nuptial night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your hottest lingerie.”
Alexander protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!”
“Simple”, replied the Preacher…
“It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”
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Young preacher Nathan was sitting in a lunch counter eating spaghetti and salad. He opened an envelope he’d just received that morning from his mother. As he opened it a thirty bucks fell out. He thought to himself; ”Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.” As Nathan finished his food, he saw a beggar outside of the restaurant on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Nathan thinking that the poor man could probably use the thirty bucks more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters,
‘Persevere!’
So as not to make a dramatic scene, he put the envelope under poor man’s arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The poor man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next midday, as Nathan enjoyed his meal, the same guy tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young preacher asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Your favourite horse Persevere came in first in the sixth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty five to one.”
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Seven years old Zack comes down to kitchen for breakfast and his mother Carmin asks if he had done his works. Zack says; “Not yet, mom.”
Carmin tells Zack that until he completes his works, he won’t be getting any breakfast.
Zack is a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and ducks and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and bulls, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
Zack goes back in home for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cornflakes. “How come I don’t get any eggs and sausage? Why don’t I have any milk in my cornflakes?” he asks.
“Well,” Carmin answers, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for two weeks. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any sausage for two weeks either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for two weeks you aren’t getting any milk.”
Mean while, Zack’s father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
Zack grins and looks up at his mother, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
(I didn't get it originally either. Think of another name for a cat.)
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Kitty?
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I must have a very dirty mind.
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https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1733875716702164&set=a.1354542867968786.1073741828.100002392587881&type=3
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You need to be logged in to see that.
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Complain, complain, complain. You had make me type it out, didn't you? :eyebrows:
HOW TO WASH A CAT
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet bowl. Put the lids down. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds Never mind the noises coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "Power Wash" and "Rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your house. Be sure that there are NO people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket ourt of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely
The Dog.
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You need to be logged in to see that.
More than that - you need perms to whomever shared it.
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A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call centre in India.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end. “It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call centre operator was adamant. “There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady. “Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked: “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says: “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
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An oldie:
Young Dwayne had just gotten his driving license. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible and get your hair cut, we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month, Dwayne came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”
Dwayne paused a moment and answered, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Muhammed had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.” To which his father replied, “Yes you are right, and they walked every where they went too!”
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We had just moved to an Army post from an Air Force base and my young son, an avid fan of GI Joe toys, was excited to see the troops marching in cadence. An even bigger thrill came when he passed the motor pool with its tanks, jeeps and trucks. "Look!" he squealed with delight. "They have the whole collection!"
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What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
A Jellybutton!
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A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear."
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:mischief:
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:lol1:
How do you start a jelly race?
Get set.
I think Vodzy gheyed me for this one in the past.
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:lol1:
How do you start a jelly race?
Get set.
I think Vodzy gheyed me for this one in the past.
I'm slipping. It took me two reads to get it. But good one.
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
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lol QV. on form as ever :)
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
Musta been my bro.
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I'd be deeply, deeply ashamed of any family member I had, if they were ever to become pork. I really would be disgusted.
Although it most certainly, would not get in the way of my making full use of the information they would have access to and leveraging the family bit to get it. Which means having to hold my tongue every time I have a snarky wisecrack in mind that is aimed at the filth. Although thankfully, there aren't any pigs in my family. Still, if there were, it might actually be somewhat useful.
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I'd be deeply, deeply ashamed of any family member I had, if they were ever to become pork. I really would be disgusted.
Yeah. He's kinda the white sheep of our family. I think everyone feels that way about his choice.
Eventually though, I think we all just got used to it, to some extent. Hardest for me, because
we're so distant anyhow.
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I could use such a family member. But deep down, I wouldn't be able to regard them as related to me, or actually members of my family. It'd be akin to finding out one of your uncles or grandfathers was a child rapist, or josef mengele's best mate down at the pub, when he's finished with his day's jew-gassing and baby-skinning, or they secretly actually have a great many more children, only all kept locked in an underground soundproofed basement, complete with incinerator, to be used as child rape toys like that Fritzl baby-fucking bastard.
Would just be so unfortunate, that they were useful enough to keep around, when all one could want is to excise it from the family, as if extirpating a malignant cancerous tumor. Probably a scrotum cancer too at that.
And just remember-it isn't murder if you kill a cop, its technically classed as committing pesticide:LOL:
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A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".
The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".
The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
And the princess said, "Pardon?"
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(Feel free in substitute any married couple's name that you want.)
Hillary Clinton (Melania Trump) died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's (Donald's) clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's (Donald's) clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Q: What is the loudest state?
A: ILLI-NOISE
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The Prince ought to have written her a letter!
Lol, that was a good one. "Pardon?" lol
Also like the loudest state. gonna share that one with my baby bro.
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:lol1:
How do you start a jelly race?
Get set.
I think Vodzy gheyed me for this one in the past.
I'm slipping. It took me two reads to get it. But good one.
:( I dont get it......
ohhhhhhhh! ha! lol ok i got it, lol
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I'm too dull. But, I think I know, and it's not that funny.
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You can ghey me too, Calandale, if you want. :D
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There was a captain sailing on the sea during a battle. His servant came up to him and the captain said, "bring me my red shirt".
So, the servant did as the captain said.
After that the servant came up to the captain and said, Why did you say bring me my red shirt"?
The captain said, "Well if i get shot they won't see the blood.
The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, "There are 50 ships on the horizon."
The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants."
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You can ghey me too, Calandale, if you want. :D
For trying to amuse?
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I told the loudest state one to a kid (8yrs), he liked it a lot.
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You can ghey me too, Calandale, if you want. :D
For trying to amuse?
For telling a really bad joke!
I was told it as a kid and I laughed myself silly.
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'
(Note - I'm not really a fan of dumb blonde jokes, but I do like it when the blonde isn't really dumb.)
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'
(Note - I'm not really a fan of dumb blonde jokes, but I do like it when the blonde isn't really dumb.)
:rofl:
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'
(Note - I'm not really a fan of dumb blonde jokes, but I do like it when the blonde isn't really dumb.)
:rofl:
Glad I could tickle your funny bone.
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A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.
She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"
He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.
He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.
The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"
"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.
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There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins."
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets"! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window."
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
(Aside - 7Up is a lemon-lime soft drink in the US just in case you asked)
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:D
We used to have 7Up here a few years ago.
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What is a cat’s favorite song?
Three Blind Mice.
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Q: How are men like coffee?
A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
OR
Q: How are women like coffee?
A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
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A little boy accidentally wandered into the ladies' dressing room at a fancy swimming resort. The entire room of women began shrieking and scrambling to cover themselves with towels.
As he stood in the middle of the commotion, the kid asked, "What's the matter? Never seen a little boy before?"
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EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
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As far as congress, I could venture that it depends upon the kind of 'congress' one has in mind :P
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As far as congress, I could venture that it depends upon the kind of 'congress' one has in mind :P
:eyebrows:
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See Funny Stuff. It's technically not a clean joke.
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The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
-
Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so stubborn.”
He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”
-
I saw a driver texting and driving.
It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.
-
My friend, who’s a nurse in an emergency department, was telling me about a patient who arrived with a gash in his head. Apparently the man was a farmer, and he and his son were working in a field when he’d felt a stone in his boot. He’s tried to shake his foot to work the stone out but – finding it difficult to keep his balance – he decided to hold onto a fence pole.
The son, looking up from what he was doing, noticed his father standing on one leg shaking vigorously and thought he was holding onto the electrified fence.
Grasping a large stick, the son whacked his dad to break his hold on the fence, causing the injury to his head.
Stitches were required to mend the wound, although I’m not sure if the father and son’s relationship is mended yet.
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Only six more months until Christmas Eve.
Question: How does Santa sing the alphabet?
Answer: A B C D E F GH I J K L M N Oh!, Oh!, Oh!, P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!
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A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
“Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”
-
I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny,
I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.
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A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for raodside assistance. He climbed into the boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday."
A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location."
"I-75, two miles south of Standish."
After a long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"
-
What did Cinderella Dolphin wear to the ball?
Glass flippers!
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” replied the gallery owner. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered whether it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.”
“That’s great!” exclaimed the artist. “So what’s the bad news?”
“The man was your doctor.”
-
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
-
:rofl:
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A teenager came into the clothing store where I work and browsed for over an hour before choosing the perfect dress for a party. But the next day she was back with the outfit.
“Can I please exchange this for something else?” she asked.
I was surprised, but I couldn’t argue with her explanation: “My parents like it.”
-
^Not a laugh but a universal truth. +S
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When my sister was in high school, she went out with the captain of the chess team.
My parents loved him because they figured any guy who took three hours to make a move was OK.
-
The afterlife must be crazzzzzzy. People are dying to get in.
“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
-
The afterlife must be crazzzzzzy. People are dying to get in.
“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
:laugh:
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After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.
“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!”
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”
-
What is the difference between a toddler and a roadkill deer?
I've never fucked road-kill.
-
This joke is from Switzerland. And I thought they were such nice folk!
Wife: Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.
Husband: Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.
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Overheard at the veterinarians: "I had my cat neutered. He's still out all night with the other cats, but now he's a consultant."
-
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
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Thank you, Queen Victoria, for posting light humour on a board that's becoming overrun with bitter sniping.
I look forward to your posts every day. :plus:
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Thank you. You aren't alone in your frustration. That was my intent in starting the thread.
Please, anyone with some (relatively) inoffensive humour is welcome to post a giggle or two here.
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I also appreciate My Majesty's humor thread. :2thumbsup:
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A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge.
The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. “Not guilty,” the woman answered emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: “Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf – who was waving a union jack – on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?”
The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: “What was the date again?”
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One day at university, a fire broke out in a wastebasket in the dean’s office. A physicist, a chemist and a statistician ran in to deal with the blaze.
The physicist immediately started to calculate how much energy would have to be removed from the fire in order to stop combustion.
The chemist worked out which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.
Meanwhile, the statistician was setting fire to all the other wastebaskets in the office.
“What the hell are you doing that for?” asked the physicist and the chemist.
“Well,” explained the statistician, “to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size.”
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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank.
The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”
“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”
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What’s the oddest thing that happens with a hypochondriac support group?
Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting.
(Hey, don't blame me if it's not funny, it's a Canadian joke.)
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A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
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Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. He wasn’t familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queen’s lead and hope for the best.
When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. Jim nervously mimicked her.
She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise.
When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised.
Then she called, “Here, kitty…”
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I played in a social mixed netball team in a league where you get to name your own team.
We called ourselves “BYE Round”.
So when our opponents read their weekly roster, they thought, “Sweet, we’ve got the week off.”
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Did you hear about the indian early-morning domestic service provider who was found dead, surrounded by broken bottles of white liquid all over him, stuck full with glass in fang-like patterns all over his body?
He pissed off and got bitten by a milk-krait making his delivery rounds :P
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The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”
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The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’s happening?”
A mall officer replied, “These people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll.”
The public safety officer shook his head and muttered, “Who can resist a Barbie queue?”
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An oldie, but goodie
Brother Andrew was charged with training the other monks in the art of copying precisely by hand the Holy Writs. An eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.
"Oh, no," Brother Andrew said. "These words have been correctly copied from generation to generation. I will show you the first volume ever written." And he shuffled off toward the monastery's library.
Hours later, Brother Jonathan found the elderly monk sitting alone in a candlelit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks.
"What's the matter?"
"I can't believe it," said Brother Andrew. "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!
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An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with a wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with a mistress, because of the passion and mystery. The accountant said he liked both.
“Both?” chorused the others.
“Yes,” said the accountant. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, which means you can go to the office and get some work done.”
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A husband and wife who were in the insurance business liked to get away from the stress of their job by renting a motor home in the country. Unfortunately their hopes of a peaceful vacation were wrecked by fellow campers repeatedly calling on them, asking whether they could borrow butter or sugar or even asking for directions to the nearest bar.
Finally they got so fed up with the interruptions that they decided to pin a notice to the door of the motor home which would guarantee their privacy. It read: “Insurance agent. Ask about our life-term package.”
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Two city slickers decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them have ever been duck hunting before and after several hours later they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, “I just don’t understand it, why aren’t we getting any ducks?”
His friend says, “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough."
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I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and I thought to myself, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained."
Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...
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Little Eddy and his mom were digging for fishing bait in the garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mom.
“No, honey, it won’t do for bait,” she said. “It’s not an earthworm.”
“It’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is it from?”
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what its sun sign is.”
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It was during a heat wave in August one summer when I saw this sign on a telephone pole. “Garage sale this Sunday 7AM until 100 degrees.”
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I forgot my cellphone when I went to the bathroom yesterday.
We have 247 tiles.
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A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the guy.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?
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A bird was flying south for the winter, but had left it too late to set off and found itself frozen solid in a blizzard. It dropped to earth in a field of cows, landing in a massive cow pat, just as it was being deposited by the fattest cow in the field. At first, the bird was disgusted until it realized that the pile of poop was actually thawing him out. As the ice melted and his feathers returned to normal, he tweeted joyously, but the sounds were heard by a nearby cat who promptly crept over and ate the bird.
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.
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Feces - the new clean. :G
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A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The father and son take centre stage, the rest of the family standing backstage.
The teenage son and father start the act with a seemingly deep and meaningful conversation.
"Dad, I know at time I may not be the best son, nor the brighte..." he is suddenly interrupted by his father "son, no matter what happens, I will always love you" the son replies "I love you too dad" they hug as the music starts, a happy tune is played, all of a sudden the father and son kiss gently. They look into each others eyes, and over come with lust they passionately kiss each other grabbing each others body tightly, the son goes down on his knees whipping out his fathers monster cock and taking it in his throat. Giving a prime blow job to his father who is now wincing in pleasure. The father pulls out of his sons mouth and sprays his hefty load onto his sons chest, this ques the family pet into the scene, the dog jumps up and hungrily laps up the semen from the young mans chest as if it had been starved for days, when the son takes the dog in his hands flipping him over and sticks his stiff cock into the dogs tight arse, fucking him aggressively. *the father exits stage* and the son continues reaming out the dogs now swollen anus, he pulls out and blows his load onto the dogs back and rubs it into his coat like he was applying sunscreen to another person. *the daughter enters the stage and kneels down beside the son and dog* "can I help" she asks, the boy replies with a grin "sure".
The daughter stands up and drops her skirt revealing her recently shaven vagina, she spread her lips and pissed onto the dog while the boy massaged it into the dogs back, suddenly the son snaps the dogs hind legs which causes it to unleash a bark that would bring tears to your eyes, the mother bursts out onto the stage unclothed and pushes the son out of the way holding the wounded dog in her arms. The dog looks up at her, and there is a pause, the mother cries and the dog licks her cheeks. She starts massaging the dogs tongue and mouth with hers while repeating "your okay, you'll be fine".
she stars tugging the dying dogs penis as if it would heal him. the daughter sits back and spreads her leg, the son lies down in front of her and begins to lick her salivating cunt. The daughter smiles and lets out a sickening fart that could rip your teeth out. The son however is not phased and is in fact extremely turned on by the toxic bowl release, at this point the mother is sucking off the dog which ejaculates a large quantity of come onto the mothers chin as the dog slowly passes away the father re-enters the stage. the mother breaks down with her face buried in her hands over the pets death, the father moves her hands from her face, kissing her, exchanging his spit for the dead dogs semen. The daughter lets out a horrific scream as she comes on the sons face.
The family makes not a sound as they stay in their positions, when finally the father breaks the silence, shitting a vast amount of diarrheic fecal matter boasting a terribly vulgar sounding gurgle which echoed with out the studio, all together the family and dog jumps into their well choreographed positions and sing "TA-DAAAAAAAAA"
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
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Well...at least urine is cleaner than feces. :orly:
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I kind of wonder why you want to defeat the entire point of this thread.
I would suggest that that last "joke" be moved to a more appropriate location.
As much as I enjoy interacting with Scra'ep, this is not a part of that. Take it away, please.
You do it, Mr Alex, please.
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Parts dying van post reminded me of this:
A gynocologist decided he wanted to start living his life his way. He had always wanted to work on cars. So he started an auto mechanic course at a local trade school. When the final exam had been given (rebuilding an engine) and the grades handed out he was astonished that he had received a grade of 105.
He asked the instructor why he had a grade that was better than perfect.
The instructor replied, "I've been teaching for 30 years and NEVER have I seen an engine rebuilt through the tailpipe."
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
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Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
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Q: What do you call a bee born in May?
A: A maybe!
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A guy walks into a talent agent and says "I've got this great act, I do bird imitations".
The agent said "get Lost, I've seen a million bird acts already". So the guy flew out the window.
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A guy walks into a talent agent and says "I've got this great act, I do bird imitations".
The agent said "get Lost, I've seen a million bird acts already". So the guy flew out the window.
Good one.
:fly:
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One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
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Signs That You're Drinking Too Much Coffee;
* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet
away without using the timer.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before
realizing it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You ride an exercise bike to work.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
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I always liked the one: you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine... while it's running! ;D
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* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
Chocolate covered espresso beans can be dangerous. :laugh:
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I always liked the one: you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine... while it's running! ;D
:worship:
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What goes black white black white black white red red red red?
A nun in a blender
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A woman goes to see her recently deceased husband at the funeral home. Wiping away tears she says to the funeral director "I so wish he was wearing his blue suit rather than the black one. He always looked so handsome in his blue suit".
The funeral director says "Give me 5 minutes" and wheels the coffin into another room.
He calls out a few minutes later and says "Come and take a look". And there is the woman's husband wearing his blue suit, while in a coffin alongside is another man wearing the black suit.
The widow says "how did you switch their suits so quickly?" and the funeral director replied "it was easy, I just switched their heads around!".
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A 7 foot tall man went for a job as a lifeguard.
At the interview they asked him "can you swim?". He replied "no, but I can wade out a pretty long way!".
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A 7 foot tall man went for a job as a lifeguard.
At the interview they asked him "can you swim?". He replied "no, but I can wade out a pretty long way!".
That was pretty lame, dispshit
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What goes black white black white black white red red red red?
A nun in a blender
I remember that one from the 1960's when I was in Catholic school. Good to read it again.
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A woman goes to see her recently deceased husband at the funeral home. Wiping away tears she says to the funeral director "I so wish he was wearing his blue suit rather than the black one. He always looked so handsome in his blue suit".
The funeral director says "Give me 5 minutes" and wheels the coffin into another room.
He calls out a few minutes later and says "Come and take a look". And there is the woman's husband wearing his blue suit, while in a coffin alongside is another man wearing the black suit.
The widow says "how did you switch their suits so quickly?" and the funeral director replied "it was easy, I just switched their heads around!".
Is there a word for something between a groan and a laugh? Because that's what I did.
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A 7 foot tall man went for a job as a lifeguard.
At the interview they asked him "can you swim?". He replied "no, but I can wade out a pretty long way!".
That was pretty lame, dispshit
:spitscreen: :spitscreen: :spitscreen:
I'm easily amused.
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A 7 foot tall man went for a job as a lifeguard.
At the interview they asked him "can you swim?". He replied "no, but I can wade out a pretty long way!".
That was pretty lame, dispshit
:spitscreen: :spitscreen: :spitscreen:
I'm easily amused.
Yup a gopher, some duct tape and a tube of KY gel and you are all set for a fun afternoon. I get it
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A 7 foot tall man went for a job as a lifeguard.
At the interview they asked him "can you swim?". He replied "no, but I can wade out a pretty long way!".
That was pretty lame, dispshit
:spitscreen: :spitscreen: :spitscreen:
I'm easily amused.
Yup a gopher, some duct tape and a tube of KY gel and you are all set for a fun afternoon. I get it
And a snorkel. The gopher complains if I forget that.
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I give it 6 months before you move on to wombats
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Meanwhile, back at the Funny Farm:
This year I decided it was about time for me to get in shape and lose weight. I joined a gym and made an appointment with Walt, a personal trainer.
One day I found myself reclining self- consciously on a machine with my feet set to press on a weighted platform.
“Do you wear those shoes often?" Walt asked.
“They're my best running shoes!" I declared, dodging the question.
He scrutinized them closely, then asked, “Are those cobwebs on them?"
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Fucks sake, just leave this thread to QV, and leave the bellendery out of it, QV/PR can outdo the lot of us with obscene jokes, never mind the feuding.
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Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside.
‘Are you here to see Dr Meyer?’ she asked.
‘Yes,’ the boy said. ‘I’m having my dog put in neutral.’
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
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Little boy to mother: “Mommy, can I go swimming?”
Mother: “Certainly not. The sea’s too rough, there’s a terrible rip tide and a dangerous offshore current, and I’ve heard this coast is infested with jellyfish and sharks.”
Little boy: “But Daddy went swimming!”
Mother: “I know, but he has excellent life insurance.”
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... After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
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Oh shit, I like the medicine ball.
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One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
:scratchhead:
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A man walks into a bar with a box. The barman says: "Free drink if you show me what's in the box". "OK" he says, and opens it, revealing a mini-pianist. "Where did you get that?" says the barman. " I've got a magic ring. Rub it, and it grants a wish," says the man. "Let me have a go for another free drink." The barman rubs it and 1,000 ducks run in. "I didn't ask for that!" screams the barman. "I wanted a 1,000 bucks!" "Well, do you think I asked for a 12in-pianist?"
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A man walks into a bar with a box. The barman says: "Free drink if you show me what's in the box". "OK" he says, and opens it, revealing a mini-pianist. "Where did you get that?" says the barman. " I've got a magic ring. Rub it, and it grants a wish," says the man. "Let me have a go for another free drink." The barman rubs it and 1,000 ducks run in. "I didn't ask for that!" screams the barman. "I wanted a 1,000 bucks!" "Well, do you think I asked for a 12in-pianist?"
No.
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One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
:scratchhead:
I didn't get it right away either Pappy.
Once you get it you'll piss yourself laughing though.
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Must be a football joke.
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Must be a football joke.
It's a laundry joke.
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One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
:scratchhead:
I didn't get it right away either Pappy.
Once you get it you'll piss yourself laughing though.
It's an Aggie joke that isn't very funny. :facepalm2:
You're not from here, I highly doubt you'd get Aggie jokes.
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Must be a football joke.
It's a laundry joke.
Texas A&M is big on that?
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Oh shit, I like the medicine ball.
:clap:
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I knew I'd have to explain at least one of the jokes.
Texas A&M (Agricultural and Mining) University is the main campus/school of an 11 part university in Texas. Their American football team is called the Aggies. Just substitute the name of a football team you don't like for Texas A&M.
Team rivalries and fans are universal.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. Who knew they worked?
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I knew I'd have to explain at least one of the jokes.
Texas A&M (Agricultural and Mining) University is the main campus/school of an 11 part university in Texas. Their American football team is called the Aggies. Just substitute the name of a football team you don't like for Texas A&M.
Team rivalries and fans are universal.
Aggie jokes have been a thing for decades now. I remember the first one I heard in the mid 80's.
Why does California have AIDS and Texas has Aggies?
Because California got first pick.
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Did You Know?
1) Reindeer like to eat bananas.
2) Maine is the toothpick capital of the world. How do they know that?
3) Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum.
4) American's eat about 18 billion hot dogs a year.
5) The oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.
6) The man who played the voice of Bugs Bunny was allergic to carrots.
7) Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine.
7a) Yams have 10 times more vitamin C than sweet potatoes.
9) Every time you lick a stamp you gain 1/10 of a calorie.
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If you want to attract reindeer, there is a far, far better way, the way the Lapp people do it, to call in their herds, they scatter pieces of fly agaric (Amanita muscaria) on the snow, apparently reindeer are absolutely nuts for them. They are toxic raw, but when picked and cured with gentle slow heat , the neurotoxin in them, ibotenic acid breaks down to form the psychoactive, trance-inducing visionary drug muscimol.
I like to cook with them though more than use as a psychoactive. They have a MSG like effect on food, probably
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My mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a Winter, Spring, and Summer risk too.”
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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, say, “That’s not it”, and put it down again.
This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the Army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said: “That’s it.”
(Corporal Klinger)
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My grandpa would always tell me that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
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The last two are good.
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Thanks. A sense of humour is so personal. What someone finds hilarious, another person will find zip in it. I don't post only what I find funny, but try to post a variety of humour.
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The things I post are generally original observations.
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What’s a teapot’s favorite folk tune?
O’ My Darjeeling Clementine
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
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How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
(Just give it a moment)
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How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
(Just give it a moment)
::)
That's almost a titanic joke.
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*groan*
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Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!
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Why don't New Zealanders take their wives to watch the cricket?
Because they keep jumping over the fence to eat the grass.
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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
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Don't blame me for this one, its a repost of one told to me by my old man who read it online. (or him for that matter), terrible as it probably is, it IS pretty funny.
So, a man walks out into his garden one day, finds that pigeons have eaten all his fruit, all his vegetables, everything he had, he replants, waits, and the day he's ready to harvest his crop, the man walks out to find the garden stripped bare again.
So he tries putting up scarecrows, only to find them shit all over, picks off a few with a shotgun, but faced with a plague of hungry pigeons, he realizes there is nothing for it but to call in a professional and have him deal with them.
So, the guy calls in someone he's picked out of the phone book, claiming to be especially talented with dealing with, in particular, pigeon infestations.
The professional calls round the next day with a cage, obviously way too small to hold any more than a single bird. The gardener asks what on earth are you going to do with that, you can't possibly take all these damn birds away in that tiny thing?
So the professional takes a pigeon, dyed bright fluorescent pink. The gardener blinks a few times before asking again 'what the bloody christ are you going to do, I don't understand..'
And the professional tells the gardener 'this one is trained, y'see? I'll release him, he'll fly off, and pigeons, being stupid, will follow him and bugger off somewhere else'
True to his word, he releases his pink pigeon, it flies off, and all the rest follow, never to return.
Shocked, the guy pays the man his fee, pauses a moment, and asks the pigeon exterminator 'how much for a pink paki?'
(I did warn you)
(
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wtf is a paki?
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It's short for "Pakistani".
In the UK it is extremely offensive, similar to the "N" word in the United States.
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When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy -- an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.
"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you."
"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"
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On average, I would say that people are mean.
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It's short for "Pakistani".
In the UK it is extremely offensive, similar to the "N" word in the United States.
I don't understand why Paki would be offensive unless Paki's were just wanting to be offended.
It's like me talking about old Jap bikes. Japanese aren't offended when I call old Japanese motorcycles "Jap bikes" or even calling them Japs, it's just an abbreviation.
Nigger used to be the proper term for black people until they decided it was offensive, then they started the euphemism treadmill. Nigger became negro then it became colored then it became black then it became "African American". ::)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euphemism#Evolution
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It's short for "Pakistani".
In the UK it is extremely offensive, similar to the "N" word in the United States.
I don't understand why Paki would be offensive unless Paki's were just wanting to be offended.
It's like me talking about old Jap bikes. Japanese aren't offended when I call old Japanese motorcycles "Jap bikes" or even calling them Japs, it's just an abbreviation.
Nigger used to be the proper term for black people until they decided it was offensive, then they started the euphemism treadmill. Nigger became negro then it became colored then it became black then it became "African American". ::)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euphemism#Evolution
Have you seen the scene in This is England with Combo in which they commit a racist attack against a shopkeeper of South Asian extraction?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJDUHqUhrSg
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OK, what's the point of that??
-
OK, what's the point of that??
The film is about a group of friends growing up in 1980s Derbyshire. Combo is the racist one. It's really worth watching the whole film (and the three miniseries too, come to think of it).
-
OK, what's the point of that??
The film is about a group of friends growing up in 1980s Derbyshire. Combo is the racist one. It's really worth watching the whole film (and the three miniseries too, come to think of it).
So it's based on true events?
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It's largely based on the director's own experiences growing up there, people he knew.
-
You do not need a parachute to go sky diving.
But you will need one to go sky diving twice.
-
On average, I would say that people are mean.
That went over my head like the bell shaped curve.
-
You do not need a parachute to go sky diving.
But you will need one to go sky diving twice.
:clap:
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When you hit middle age, getting to second base is mainly just feeling each other for lumps.
-
How do you rescue donald trump from drowning?
Lift the lid of the toilet seat.
How do you stop a paki from drowning?
You take your foot off the back of his head
Hey? you've all heard of Kosher and Haraam, I presume? well I checked with the pigs' lawyers and apparently they the ones who came up with them historically, and lobbied to have them included in the koran and in the talmud; and are now suing all who lay claim to either in scripture, because since time immemorial, they have been pretty disgusted at the thought of being touched by a jew or a muslim themselves.
Did you know, Donald Trump is actually a secret buddhist? y'see, what he's going to hear when he eventually does the right thing and is dumped into a hole in the ground, is the one deity who spawned the rumors of all the rest in order to cover up for his early work when he had to figure it all out himself or herself, Trump will, being a godbothering arsepirate of course ask 'are you the christian god?'
And whether or not that ends up being the case, or be it God, allah, Odin or Huitzilopochtli, he'll nevertheless tell Trump 'buddha'
'Make you? Buddha would have to be really STINKING drunk and hung over enough to have to create the first back alley to vomit into, and of course, the first bar, and I might have done a lot of really squirrely work,....Duck billed platypus, anybody? Buddha sure as shit stinks ain't nevuh in my worst moments, put together the likes of you. Bud...Bud...Buddha'nt got the legal council to afford to inclination to fuck up THAT badly and have everybody cursing my name for all eternity *hic*, this might be heaven, but try as you might you can't find a lawyer for love nor money, they all ended up migrating south for the winter and never being able to come back. Trump-'how...'south'
Deity: 'SSSSooooOOOOOuuUUUUttthhhhhhh...' (spoken in slurred, really long drawl of the word, whilst pointing over his shoulder somewhere in the region of the Mariana trench, for emphasis), so I just tell everybody who asks about you 'budd ha didn't fucking do it already' and point at a particularly embarrassed member of the angelic hosts.
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On average, I would say that people are mean.
That went over my head like the bell shaped curve.
In "maths" and such, "average" and "mean" are similar in perception. A "mean value" is often arrived at through averaging other observed, predicted or collected values.
(If one must explain a joke then it has failed. :'()
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Kind of funny for a certain audience:
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Gross.
-
On average, I would say that people are mean.
That went over my head like the bell shaped curve.
In "maths" and such, "average" and "mean" are similar in perception. A "mean value" is often arrived at through averaging other observed, predicted or collected values.
(If one must explain a joke then it has failed. :'()
I hate to tell you this, but you missed a brilliant counterjoke.
Look again at her response.
-
On average, I would say that people are mean.
That went over my head like the bell shaped curve.
In "maths" and such, "average" and "mean" are similar in perception. A "mean value" is often arrived at through averaging other observed, predicted or collected values.
(If one must explain a joke then it has failed. :'()
I hate to tell you this, but you missed a brilliant counterjoke.
Look again at her response.
Yep, once I came back here to post my next clever joke, I thought, "Wait!"
Now I forgot most of the joke I was going to post. Try later, after this coffee thing dies down a bit.
-
On average, I would say that people are mean.
That went over my head like the bell shaped curve.
In "maths" and such, "average" and "mean" are similar in perception. A "mean value" is often arrived at through averaging other observed, predicted or collected values.
(If one must explain a joke then it has failed. :'()
I hate to tell you this, but you missed a brilliant counterjoke.
Look again at her response.
Yep, once I came back here to post my next clever joke, I thought, "Wait!"
Now I forgot most of the joke I was going to post. Try later, after this coffee thing dies down a bit.
A nice, subtle, slow-burner by Queen Victoria.
I was actually starting to think that I'd seen a joke that wasn't even there, based on the responses to it.
-
What did one tornado say to the other?
“Let’s twist again, like we did last summer….”
-
My three-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Alex playing calmly in the woods.
"Listen to me, Alex," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"
Alex thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. Disney World."
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The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.
"How did you do that?" he asked.
"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
-
A guy walks into a shop and says: "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA."
The owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."
-
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
-
I don't get that last one QV.
-
I don't get that last one QV.
Older folks and senility.
-
Hillaryous!
-
The biggest problem with most political jokes is that they often end up being elected.
:zombiefuck:
-
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
-
The biggest problem with most political jokes is that they often end up being elected.
:zombiefuck:
Agreed. I didn't vote for either Clinton or Trump. But I'm concerned that making jokes about Trump makes him seem less threatening. So I don't. However everyone else is more than welcome to. I'd probably feel the same way about any president.
Having written what I did about Trump, I will always try to give ANY president the benefit of reasonable doubt. The president is privy to so much information that the average citizen isn't. We can only hope that the information is used well.
-
Trying to give entropy a thought or two but entropy is just not what it used to be.
:zoinks:
-
The Flat Earth Society has membership chapters located all around the globe.
Who knew? (emo)
-
Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
-
Is THAT what this is?
:hair:
-
Eddie was driving down the road and met a car coming the other way.
Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.
Astonished, the other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.
Then his car hit the pig.
-
:pig:
I'm disappointed. Why is there no emoticon tied to this?
-
Donald Trump's was being driven through a remote rural area when his presidential car hit a large, fat pig, killing the pig and damaging the car. As there was no cellphone reception Donald Trump asked his driver to walk to the farmhouse and tell the driver what had happened and ask for help.
The driver returned about 12 hours later, driving the farmer's truck. Donald Trump asked him "where have you been?".
The driver said "well I told the farmer what had happened and he started cheering and dancing, he opened his best bottle of wine followed by his best bottle of whisky and he got his wife to put on a feast and then he offered me the choice of his beautiful young adult daughters to sleep with, then in the morning I asked if I could borrow his truck and he handed me the keys and told me I could keep it!".
Trump found this a little hard to believe, so he asked his driver "exactly what did you say to the farmer?".
The driver said "well, I knocked on the door and when the farmer answered I said 'hi, I'm Donald Trump's chaffeur, and I just killed the fat pig' ".
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Donald Trump's was being driven through a remote rural area when his presidential car hit a large, fat pig, killing the pig and damaging the car. As there was no cellphone reception Donald Trump asked his driver to walk to the farmhouse and tell the driver what had happened and ask for help.
The driver returned about 12 hours later, driving the farmer's truck. Donald Trump asked him "where have you been?".
The driver said "well I told the farmer what had happened and he started cheering and dancing, he opened his best bottle of wine followed by his best bottle of whisky and he got his wife to put on a feast and then he offered me the choice of his beautiful young adult daughters to sleep with, then in the morning I asked if I could borrow his truck and he handed me the keys and told me I could keep it!".
Trump found this a little hard to believe, so he asked his driver "exactly what did you say to the farmer?".
The driver said "well, I knocked on the door and when the farmer answered I said 'hi, I'm Donald Trump's chaffeur, and I just killed the fat pig' ".
No
-
Sadly, he didn't.
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Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"
-
What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun?
-
Luke warm.
I know.
:fp:
-
For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States,
Crossbeed Dogs:
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
-
Luke warm.
I know.
:fp:
*groan*
-
Q: What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?
A: a slow-poke.
-
Q: What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?
A: a slow-poke.
I thought the sex jokes didn't go in this one.
-
Q: What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?
A: a slow-poke.
I thought the sex jokes didn't go in this one.
:o
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Just remember, it's illegal in Fla.
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What's the difference between a blood-sucking parasitic tick and a nigger buck that just got it's 10yo ho pregnant? the tick sticks around.
What is the only part of the bible you won't find an infestation of niggers?
The book of Job
Why are pill bottles always pack with cotton wool? to remind all those fucking niggers that they were cotton pickers before they took up drug dealing.
Did you hear? the other day, a negro was arrested after knocking the shit out of bartender at a failing bar. What happened? police questioned the negroid and asked it why it assaulted the man, and it replied 'muh din do nuffin, axe the white man, ee be tellin you better dan Iz can, but wuz sumfin bout a job'
How do you starve a nigger to death? hide it's food stamps underneath it's work boots.
Black magic? won't work.
What begins with the letter 'N' and ends with the letter 'R', that you should never, EVER call 'dirty fucking nigger'
A neighbor.
What do you get if you cross a rhinoceros with a negro sheboon? absolutely sod all, because there are some things even a rhino won't fuck.m
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What is a sous chefs favorite song? Dice Dice Baby....
What is a dog's favorite food? Anything that is on your plate!
What do you call an R&B funk tribute band that only plays in the kitchen? Earth, Wind & Fryer.
-
Whats thed difference between a negroid father and a boomerang?
The boomerang comes back?
-
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
-
Actually, the eye patches that pirates wore were to make it easy to go below decks during a raid.
The eye patch preserved their night vision in one eye so they would flip the patch up when they went below decks, they would put it back over their eye above decks.
-
Actually, the eye patches that pirates wore were to make it easy to go below decks during a raid.
The eye patch preserved their night vision in one eye so they would flip the patch up when they went below decks, they would put it back over their eye above decks.
We have all heard that, but keeping a parrot on ones shoulder has its dangers. A patch on the parrot side was a good idea.
:thumbup:
But, come on,now. Can't we just chuckle a bit?
-
My understanding is that there is no historical evidence that pirates wore eye patches for the night vision benefits. Nor is there any real evidence that wearing eye patches was particularly common among pirates. It's a very plausible hypothesis though. I was reading that it used to be quite common for military pilots to wear an eye patch for similar reasons (also sometimes wearing a lead or gold lined eyepatch to prevent blinding in both eyes in case of a nuclear flash or laser attack).
-
My understanding is that there is no historical evidence that pirates wore eye patches for the night vision benefits. Nor is there any real evidence that wearing eye patches was particularly common among pirates. It's a very plausible hypothesis though. I was reading that it used to be quite common for military pilots to wear an eye patch for similar reasons (also sometimes wearing a lead or gold lined eyepatch to prevent blinding in both eyes in case of a nuclear flash or laser attack).
Well, if you lot are going to get all pissy and existential about my posting a stupid joke with no more expectation than we stop to enjoy humor for a second or two, then I challenge you to MAKE me laugh or at least pause to think for a moment as QV does!
Since we are doing this, though ... How about the fact that ninety nine percent of the pirates never even saw a fucking parrot in their entire lives. Who knows where the parrot myths originated.
Probably fucking Disney.
-
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
:razz:
-
My understanding is that there is no historical evidence that pirates wore eye patches for the night vision benefits. Nor is there any real evidence that wearing eye patches was particularly common among pirates. It's a very plausible hypothesis though. I was reading that it used to be quite common for military pilots to wear an eye patch for similar reasons (also sometimes wearing a lead or gold lined eyepatch to prevent blinding in both eyes in case of a nuclear flash or laser attack).
Well, if you lot are going to get all pissy and existential about my posting a stupid joke with no more expectation then we stop to enjoy humor for a second or two, then I challenge you to MAKE me laugh or at least pause to think for a moment as QV does!
Since we are doing this, though ... How about the fact that ninety nine percent of the pirates never even saw a fucking parrot in their entire lives. Who knows where the parrot myths originated.
Probably fucking Disney.
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-surprising-truth-about-pirates-and-parrots
Parrots may well have traded in parrots.
Going off on tangents should be banned.
I'm just happy that, at my advanced age, my curiosity can still be triggered so easily.
Let's talk about pirates some more.
A tall, muscular black pirate walked into a bar with an immensely colourful parrot on his shoulder. The barman said "he's a beauty, where'd you get him from?" and the parrot replied "WAAAAAAK! Africa!".
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Parrots may well have traded in parrots.
One of the best, most hilarious typos I have seen in a while
-
Parrots may well have traded in parrots.
One of the best, most hilarious typos I have seen in a while
There you go, if you can't make 'em laugh with intended humour, just make a typo that implies some kind of parrot slave trade.
-
Q: What is a fish's favorite game show?
A: Name that Tuna.
-
I find this shit and just have to put it here!!!
-
In the frozen foods department of Wal-Mart last Saturday morning, I noticed a man shopping with his son.
As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child,
'You know, Harry, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again.'
-
I find this shit and just have to put it here!!!
It took me a while to translate it, but it was worth it. :thumbup:
-
I find this shit and just have to put it here!!!
In English pleez? :dunno:
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I find this shit and just have to put it here!!!
In English pleez? :dunno:
Again, if you have to explain a joke, the the joke has failed.
I will try to help a bit. What is another way to indicate the square root of negative one? What is two cubed?
OK, from here?
-
Taking the 'wording' away removes all the humor.
-
Taking the 'wording' away removes all the humor.
Backward thinking much.
It is making words out of it that makes it funny.
I have now explained it twice. MY jokes suck!
:hahaha:
-
*sigh*
-
I find this shit and just have to put it here!!!
In English pleez? :dunno:
Again, if you have to explain a joke, the the joke has failed.
I will try to help a bit. What is another way to indicate the square root of negative one? What is two cubed?
OK, from here?
I got that much, its the whole Sigma thing, it's all Greek to me. :dunno: :zoinks:
-
*sigh*
OH!
At first I threw you down the same hole as teh ducks guy.
Opposite of your net connection, my download speed lags a bit behind my upload speed at times.
-
I find this shit and just have to put it here!!!
In English pleez? :dunno:
Again, if you have to explain a joke, the the joke has failed.
I will try to help a bit. What is another way to indicate the square root of negative one? What is two cubed?
OK, from here?
I got that much, its the whole Sigma thing, it's all Greek to me. :dunno: :zoinks:
Greek indeed.
I am sorry. Here is a linky thing that could help. It represents a sum.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Summation
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I got that much, its the whole Sigma thing, it's all Greek to me. :dunno: :zoinks:
Greek indeed.
I am sorry. Here is a linky thing that could help. It represents a sum.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Summation
;) :laugh:
:oneliner:
-
Meh, NOT a math person AT ALL.. Severely dyscalculic. Its a real pain in the arse. Nobody would suspect I'd be working as a chemist/biotechnician if they knew how crap my math skills are. Figuring out one synthesis takes it out of me so much I end up with a real bastard of a headache and end up going to bed afterwards, well, unless I've been working on something of a stimulant nature, or possibly a nootropic type compound.
After doing the math (and getting it wrong, needing some help from someone else on the math side of things) I just felt so tired and scrambled. Thankfully it was phet being worked on, and right now, I feel far better than I did. That mentally scrambled feeling, is just gone.
I'm considering either restarting something like pramiracetam+an anticholinesterase+choline supplement. Coluracetam looks rather interesting too. An acetylcholine uptake enhancer. Unique in its mode of action, IIRC. I've got one of the nootropics in the pipeline, the poorly understood but potent and seemingly effective DM-235, I've got the stuff to make it, and the neat thing is, I can just swap two reagents out, for two others, and make an opioid with at least a little more potency than morphine at the same time.
Or potentially, taking a low dose of amphetamine daily. It'd be a real hassle and a load of fuckabout to try and get an ADD dx, but I'm pretty sure I show a lot of the signs, and I've never really found uppers recreational, with the exception of a phenmetrazine analog, 3-fluorophenmetrazine, that stuff sure as hell was recreational, makes for excellent speedballs:autism: but most, phet, methyl/ethylphenidate, I find them functional rather than the sort of thing I'd use for fun.
So maybe something like 10mg racemic amphetamine or N-ethylamphetamine 3x daily, still undecided whether to go with a stimulant at low dose, or go for a nootropic stack again. I've had quite a bit of success with agents that assist LTP, such as aniracetam, pramiracetam.
-
I got that much, its the whole Sigma thing, it's all Greek to me. :dunno: :zoinks:
Greek indeed.
I am sorry. Here is a linky thing that could help. It represents a sum.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Summation
;) :laugh:
:oneliner:
The best part of the joke is pretending to want help and watching me struggle with my direct literal interpretation of what you wrote and then watching me toil to explain things for you, alll the while not reading in to what you actually wrote.
My boss used to do this to me and enjoyed doing so. I challenged him and asked if he was taking advantage of my overly literal interpretations. He said something like he did not know anything about any of that, but he is like a shark. "I see blood in the water and I just go for it."
Then I remembered the time I cut myself while helping him and he told me to quit bleeding and when I did not he "threatened" me with an insubordination write up because I would not stop bleeding when he told me to.
:asthing:
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First: leave it to us to let ANY topic evolve/devolve into a discussion.
Second:
In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"
In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. "Yes, Susan?"
"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."
"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Maggie?"
"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."
"Very good, Maggie," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."
"OK, Billy, what do you think?"
"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."
"That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"
Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"
-
The important part of a longer joke:
There is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'
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You know, it seems like there is a direct relationship between how satisfying and tasty and generally yummy a food is, and how unhealthy it is considered for you.
I've often thought there is a definitive, aethereal and tenuous, but nevertheness distinctly real similar principle at play in the availability, or at least reasily either improvizable or adaptable or over-the-counter or even ebay at a stretch-able ness of a chemical element or more complicated reagent or reagent class, and how useful it or its class are as a whole, useful to the hobby scientist.
Basically, the more useful and desirable the reagent is, the more hard to get hold of, watched by undesirable three-letter-agencies if they are able to, meaning a hobbyist has to learn how to avoid being flagged on the watch lists of various undesirables...the more desirable, it has a direct and scalar relationship between desirability and inverse reciprocal of availability.
The more a hobby chemist would covet it and desire it, the harder it is to buy without having built up one's personal supply and demand fulfilment networks over the years of having dedicated one's soul to the pursuit of the study of chemistry in all its guises, the harder it is to make , the harder it is to confine and keep from destroying itself, and the more dangerous it is. I.e, alkali metals, lithium, sodium, potassium are hard to store, once hermetically sealed canisters and wrappers are breached, despite being stored under vacuum degassed, argon-sparged anhydrous mineral oil dried first over 3A molecular sieves.
Still degrade over time in stasis on the lab shelves despite stringent precautions being taken to avoid oxidation. And reagents like sodium and potassium hydride, lithium aluminium hydride-LiAlH4 aka LAH, or Lith-Al for short, its violently reactive towards traces of atmospheric water vapor, catching fire, having to be used with carefully pre-dried for the purpose solvents, transferred from flame-dried or oven-dried containers to reaction vessels similarly directly flame-dried or oven dried then sealed with self-healing polymer septa, even the glass syringes and the steel flexible, long needles for transport need the trace levels of water adhering to their surfaces driving off, and the solvents used to prepare the solutions LAH and most other hydrides are used with, such as THF and diethyl ether dried with very aggressive multi-stage chemical stages generally ending with something like distillation from potassium or sodium metal.
And they have to be, most of them at least, used under inert atmospheres such as argon or helium dried by passage through bubblers filled with things like 100% sulfuric acid, phosphorus pentoxide,. with some padding to avoid acid spatter from the bubblers carrying through acid mists, with violent and disastrous consequences for the chemist.
And, hydride based reducing agents are allmost all of them very very difficult to purchase them, to get someone in your suppliers networks who will supply the materials needed to you,
They are expensive when you do get your hands on any, take strongent storage precautions and usage techniques, and generally take a chemist with the faculties to manage their use in a calm, collected, cool-headed manner, most of them are pyrophoric, bursting into flames if they contact atmospheres containing oxygen or oxidizing gases of other natures.
And the less useful the particular hydride, for many different varieties have been synthesized with different quirks and specialities and areas in which they excell at reducing one particular group while tolerating and being mild on another type, etc., the less such qualities are to be found, the more affordable, the easier it is to get hold of, the less watched, some, such as sodium borohydride can even be used in not just solvents that haven't been aggressively stripped of the tiniest traces of water and oxygen, but in a vigorously stirred aqueous-alcoholic medium of isopropanol and water,
Although it isnt to say NaBH4 isn't without its uses. There are numerous artful combinations and tricks with things like metal salts, metal nanoparticles, in the likes of different acidic or acid-salt systems, such as in-situ formation of triacetoxyborohydride, triethylborohydride, cyanoborohydride, as well as variying the cation and the modification of borohydride anion.
And NaBH4 is easily obtainable, its not overpricey, has a great shelf life even as a powder, although I buy mine as the super-convenient pre-weighted 1-gram-per-pellet prills, that have been pressed into tablet form, I don't NEED to, but I try to improve life still further by purging my bottle of borohydride with dry argon gas when opening and closing the bottle but even as powder it can last YEARS, and no bursting into flame; main specific hazard is with cyanoborohydrides and cyanide gas precaution as standard for cyanide evolution potential typical. for acid-reactive cyanide anion sources.
As it is, its generally a rather mundane reducing agent, with no real shining characteristics other than its stability , water tolerance, air tolerance, and tolerance to protic environments. But there are so many other derivatives of borohydride that can be formed in-situ from NaBH4 or LiBH4 for making things like lithium triethylborohydride, metal salts to form ultra-finely divided metal manoparticles. Sort of similar to how Rieke metals are prepared using metallic potassium or sodium to reduce metal salts to super finely divided metals with a high surface area and consequently very, very, extremely reactive nature for the metal in quesion, performing tasks for it, such as forming otherwise-impossible Grignard reagents in the case of Riecke magnesium.
Nanotech reduction methods employing borohydride are just beginning to be explored in the clandestine chemist's world, and it remains to be deduced what the functional group tolerances and reductant capabilities are for various different structures. But, the very first time I ever used the borohydride based in-situ formation of nanoparticulate copper for example, it provided smooth reduction of my substrate in not too bad yields. That for the very first time, it performed admirably, not bad yields either. And that for a very, very first time using the reaction.
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A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.
He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.
Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.
He looks down, sees a snail there.
The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, - "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"
-
A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.
He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.
Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.
He looks down, sees a snail there.
The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, - "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"
:rofl:
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A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.
"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.
"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.
The cyclist replied, "Well, usually I drive a bus!"
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Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
-
A classic piece of theatrical comedy from the old Muppet Show back in the 70's. As performed by the late great Zero Mostel.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA32DHT9AyM
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You know, it seems like there is a direct relationship between how satisfying and tasty and generally yummy a food is, and how unhealthy it is considered for you.
My family's old "horse doctor," who was an not old school, but ancient school, General Practitioner, who made house calls when I was a teen was also a bit jokingly pragmatic about the medical advice he had to give out to regular folk.
There was a day when my dog and I were attacked by a pack of six feral/wild dogs and my dog fought till he could no longer, protecting me, I was bitten and my leg and one hand was torn from trying to defend him. (Ever wonder why I declared war on feral dogs in my young adulthood? There is more to these stories)
We finally warded them off and got away, all bloody and exhausted, a few miles from home on foot. We made it home after dark and of course my mom freaked out and I had had to carry my eighty five pound dog the rest of the way. He had lost a lot of blood and was passing out, giving up and one side of his skin was torn half loose and hanging off to the side.
It was ugly, but I was not hurt that badly, even though I was soaked in blood. My dog would probably not make it through the night without lots of help.
My mom frantically called the doctor and he came right away, way out in the country, fixed me up with about forty stitches, some antibiotics and then took a look at the dog. Now this was our family doctor, but he worked for over two hours stitching that dog up, splinting a broken leg that was torn half off and giving him Novocaine shots and oxygen. He ran out of thread at one point and asked what we had that he could use - he chose my new spool of mono filament fishing line. Eventually he had done all he could and basically said that if he makes through the next couple of days he will most likely live.
Anyway that is an example of this old fellow's giving character as our family doctor.
He also had a sense of humor!
He told my dad he had to cut back on his smoking. He did not want him to give up smoking entirely, but he HAD to give up his Zippo lighter that will light in fifty mile per hour winds, run on anything even the slightest bit flammable, last for generations, etc. No more Zippo. In order to get my dad's smoking to reduce, my dad had to go out into the wind with one match when he wanted a cigarette and if he could light his smoggy with that one match, he could finish it, but no more Zippo!
It came time to advise my father to lose some weight as he aged and he told my dad that the only diet that is going to do a damn bit of good is for him to start eating crap that no one wants to eat. I fact if you take some food into your mouth and it tastes good, you have to spit it out. You have had your fun. No more enjoying food.
He also gave him a special set of eating utensils in a little funny looking case to help him with his diet. There was a butter knife with a tiny thumbnail sized scoopy part on the end, a spoon with a hole through the center and, like the knife, a fork cut down with tiny bumps instead of nice long tangs to scoop with.
A sense of humor goes a long way in delivering bad news, it seemed to him.
-
A classic piece of theatrical comedy from the old Muppet Show back in the 70's. As performed by the late great Zero Mostel.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA32DHT9AyM
:mischief:
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@ DirtDawg - Everyone in my Dad's family used the family obstetrician, EVERYONE. No fancy stuff, just good old common sense. Until he diagnosed my dad's brother with a neck sprain that turned out to be brain cancer.
Change of subject = I will sometimes uses baby utensils to eat with. I wished it worked as well as I thought it would.
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Change of subject = I will sometimes uses baby utensils to eat with. I wished it worked as well as I thought it would.
Once tried small dishes; that didn't work for me either. :laugh:
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Change of subject = I will sometimes uses baby utensils to eat with. I wished it worked as well as I thought it would.
Once tried small dishes; that didn't work for me either. :laugh:
My best try was to assume I had always over filled my plate and a vow to always leave some behind (very wasteful but a bit more waistful in practice) did more good than trying to fool myself in other ways.
I was raised by a mom who always insisted that I clean out my plate, no matter what. Eat it ALL!!! Getting past this trauma played a large part of controlling my weight as an aging adult.
Though trying to resist a begging dog's precious face and not make them too fat by giving them all the left overs was another challenge. Those eyes!! I usually just gave them one bite of "the good stuff" and quickly got the rest out of the house, away from their sniffy senses.
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I tried to find a particular stream of this gal's work to post and came up short. She, Iliza Shlesinger, is on Netflix, if you have access, with her latest, "Elder Millennial" stand up. She claims to be oldest living millennial. This is some funny schtick!
I think this babe ROCKS! Here is a taste:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2f5KAAG8HIE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHqvkhkaoWo
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Didn't hear a word she said.
I was too preoccupied with the idea of her lips around my schlong. :squit:
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Didn't hear a word she said.
I was too preoccupied with the idea of her lips around my schlong. :squit:
Ah, shit, did I forget to warn you that she is kinda hawt? Sorry, pal.
:tard:
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A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
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DD-thats great. There can't be many GPs these days who would so much as bother to give a wounded animal an antiseptic wipe. Difficult enough to get house calls, I have, but only in situations where hospital/ambulance treatment is definitely not needed, but at the same time, I was completely unable to move off the sofa (to the point of having to piss in empty coke bottles and hope to fuck I didn't have to drop a Theresa May before I had healed)
But fucking hell, that is one great doctor, for spending over two hours,even after running out of thread to stitch your dog's wounds, giving the dog pain relief, I wish doctors these days were all like that; that it were the rule instead of the exception.
Makes me reminded somewhat of a doctor I used to have (he retired,due to severe depression)
At the time, I had a real problem with benzos, started with severe anxiety, led to something nastier by far. He helped me detox, by giving me a large bottle of chlormethiazole. The dr in question knew I was a chemist and pharmacologist with an excellent knowledge of toxicology. Its an antiquated sedative-hypnotic, that acts very much like the barbiturates do, and is very, very intolerant of overdoses. At the time, the benzo problem I had, it was going to leave me dead, probably sooner rather than later.
And I'm pretty sure that his detox method was based on 'kill or cure', either I'd manage the unsupervised taper, knowing the nature of the drug being used for the purpose, or I would die, much sooner, although quickly and painlessly, just KO and never wake up.
I went on one binge, initially, thought 'last time, and I'm done', for two or three days, just chilling, smoking hash, getting plenty rest in before the hardship, although it turned out, physically, there was to be no horrific benzo withdrawal hell, the chlormethiazole worked wonderfully.
He knew, I'm fucking certain he knew, that I'd go on a binge, once at least. And in really high doses over a protracted period of time (I.e several days), a metabolite, or metabolites, build up in the body. Chlormethiazole, chemically speaking, is a vitamin B1 (thiamine) derivative, made by cleavage of B1 using sodium bisulfite or metabisulfite, and CAREFULLY removing the other fragment, there being a vast difference in the water solubility of the 4-methylthiazole-2-ethanol cleavage fragment which is desired, and the water solubility of the pyrimidine half of the thiamine molecule. The substituted pyrimidine bit is just plain outright fucking virulently noxious stuff. It throws a spanner in the works of biochemical processes that require vitamin B6 as a cofactor; which among other things, includes biosynthesis of the neurotransmitter GABA, which is, aside from the less major of a player; glycine, the only inhibitory neurotransmitter we've got. And the result of poisoning by toxopyrimidine, as the compound is named, is neurotoxicity and it is a very potent, powerful convulsant.
Really, really nasty stuff.
Anyhow, the thia- bit in 'thiamine' denotes there is a sulfur atom in there, which there is. And the metabolite or metabolites, are no problem at clinical doses or recreational doses that aren't protracted (acutely in the quantity required would just kill you), but if taken in really large doses over several days, this AWFUL sulfurous stinker of a metabolite is produced in the body, and it comes out in everything...EVERYthing.
Piss, shit, saliva, sweat, tear fluid, earwax, even nasal fluid! it comes out of everything and anything that can be exreted. And its potent enough, stench wise, to make people quite literally, from a few hundred meters down the street, turn round, cross the road and sprint in the opposite direction.
And there is absolutely fuck all you can do about it, you can't get rid of it. You have to wait until it has all gone of its own accord. No amount of bathing, showering, deodorant, nothing on the face this earth will get rid of it that won't also exterminate the host.
Result? his kill-or-cure last ditch effort, plus aversion therapy (I.e the heinous mercaptan-type stygian reek from Tartarus's own sewers), it saved my life, got me off the benzos with no physical withdrawal whatsoever, and I'm no longer a psychological addict to downers either. Many users of many drugs find that even a tiny taste of whatever it is they used before stopping using whatever it was results in them ending up right back where they started; an former alcoholic has a pint, and bam! full blown habit, 2 liters of vodka a day plus a 5th in the morning and middle of the night just to keep from seizure.
But I can use GABAa agonists when I need them (and I DO need them, chlormethiazole as it happens, although I also have a benzo script (nitrazepam), because have seizures, and I need an anticonvulsant, the nitrazepam I take considerably less often than the rx says to take them, I take a much higher dose, much much MUCH less often, no more than a couple of times a week, it just takes quite a hefty dose of most downers to actually put me out, always has been that way-not only have I not much of a sleep cycle, but my body doesn't seem to want to be MADE to sleep either.
Definitely prehistoric-oldschool that doctor. Didn't fuck about, didn't stigmatize patients with needs for things like pain control, made sure what needed to be done, was done. And he CERTAINLY would never permit medical or government politicking to affect how he treated patients. He did what the patients needed him to do to provide the best medical care he could provide.
I don't doubt that if anybody else knew, about what he did in my case, he'd have not only been fired, but quite probably prosecuted and potentially sent to jail for negligent attempted manslaughter if there is such a thing. But we both knew how things were going to play out if I kept on as I had been going. He didn't give me any warning of the terrible sulfurous mercaptan or alkyl/aryl sulfide whatever the fucking pus-slobbering smallpox-infected corpse of baby jesus weeping damnable abomination of a metabolite was. One of the vilest and most powerful chemical stenches I have ever smelled. I have smelled things that were worse, or could carry further, but that one was up there as one of the very worst of the worst. Can't compare to say, pyridine up close (it doesn't have the tremendous RANGE that the sulfurous chlormethiazole metabolite does but its truly foul, like acrid rotting fish thrown onto a stack of burning car tyres soaked in stagnating piss, a single drop in a liter of water is more than enough to make you retch if you were to take a sniff, if not actually blow chunks all over the floor), or worse still, an isocyanide (they are NOTORIOUS, a considerable number of chemists,both in a salaried position, and those who are autodidacts who freelance, isocyanides generally lack the lethal toxicity of cyanides, but they REALLY stink something foul. I've read a quote for example where someone was describing them, and they said 'there mere opening of a flask of allyl isocyanide was enough to foul up the room for several days'
Along with plenty of references saying 'indescribably foul and extremely distressing'. Which is somewhat colourful and rather strong descriptive language for a salaried 'in officialdom' chemist. Although its true, they do indeed defy description, there just isn't anything else like them, they are in a unique category of horrendously offensive reserved for isocyanides and isocyanides alone. And extremely distressing,utterly foul, doesn't do them justice. Has to be smelled to be comprehended. Not a foul stench, but a brutal physical and sexual assault upon one's nose and olfactory bulb. Nasal fucking gang rape by gyppos. Only not nearly so desirable or tolerable.
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Returning to the focus of this thread:
AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE Holy Smoke!
JESUITS An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
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Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
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You know who you are.
YOU MAY BE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE IF…
If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.
If other people get dizzy when they look at you, and Starbucks holds the deed on your house, you may be drinking too much coffee.
If you can thread a sewing machine while it is running and your first aid kit includes coffee for an I.V. drip, then you may be drinking too much coffee.
If you answer the door before someone knocks on it, you may be drinking too much coffee!
If you grind your coffee beans with your teeth, you may be drinking too much coffee!
If you name your cats Cream and Sugar, and your first child Juan Valdez, you may be drinking too much coffee.
If you have a picture of your favorite coffee mug on your favorite coffee mug, you may be drinking too much coffee.
If you sleep with your eyes open, watch videos in fast-forward, and lick your coffeepot clean, you may be drinking too much coffee.
If you buy half-and-half by the gallon, wore out your coffee mug handle, and you don’t sweat but instead percolate, then you may be drinking too much coffee.
If you’re favorite part of getting inebriated is sobering up with a cup of coffee, you may be drinking too much coffee.
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Didn't hear a word she said.
I was too preoccupied with the idea of her lips around my schlong. :squit:
Ah, shit, did I forget to warn you that she is kinda hawt? Sorry, pal.
:tard:
(http://thefrappening.so/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Iliza-Shlesinger_thefrappening_so-38.jpg)
(http://scandalplanet.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Iliza-Shlesinger-Leaked-11.jpg)
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Oh, and...
(http://i2.wp.com/www.ohfree.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Iliza-Shlesinger-Naked.jpg?fit=1080,1080)
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi looks at the smashed cars and says, "Oy vey! What a wreck, what a wreck!"
The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this. It will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes a swig and shakes his head ruefully, still looking at the cars. They are severely damaged. "Oh, but this will be sooo expensive!" he says.
"Yeah, well, it's just money, rabbi. Have another swig; in fact you can drink the whole bottle if you like."
The rabbi nods and drinks most of the bottle, never taking his eyes off the broken cars. Then he turns to the priest and says, "What are we going to tell the police?"
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what you're going to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."
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What if Intensity Squared only has one member? And that member has Multiple Personality Disorder? :hair:
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I've run sites like that. :P
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How do you fix Cinderella's coach?
With a pumpkin patch.
(In the US her coach is made from a pumpkin)
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What if Intensity Squared only has one member? And that member has Multiple Personality Disorder? :hair:
Was wondering when you'd find out. :P
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https://elpais.com/elpais/2018/09/21/inenglish/1537528934_632413.html
There really are no words to describe this...
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?”
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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local townhall where a flower show was taking place. The thin one leaned over and said, “We never have any fun any more. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. Completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?”asked her waiting friend.
“I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.”
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school cook prided herself on the healthy meals she provided with lots of vegetables and fruits. When the power failed one day, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"
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Q: What do you get when a duck bends over?
A: Its Buttquack.
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Q: What do you get when a duck bends over?
A: Its Buttquack.
That is a fowl end!
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That was a chickensh*t reply DirtDawg. :clap:
:poo:
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No, technically it was a duckshit reply. :nerdy:
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Said Teh Ducks!
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Teh Ducks are rising back to the top of the PAC-12 where they belong!!! :woohoo:
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Showering you with some humour today.
Seemed to be raining coins last night. I suspect that’s what they mean by some change in the weather.
Never mind cats and dogs, it was raining chickens and ducks yesterday. Fowl weather.
Why do cows lie down in the rain? To keep each udder dry.
As raindrops say, two’s company, three’s a cloud.
I’m saving for a rainy day. So far, I have an anorak, a couple of macs, and a dinghy.
You never see owls being amorous in the rain. It’s too wet to woo.
The weather forecast says it won’t rain for three months, but I drought it.
A friend of mine did his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colours.
Where’s the best place to store your rain? In a cloud bank.
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No humour today. Washington D.C. has cast a cloud on America.
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I agree. I'm totally loling over the idea that we really will have a gang-rapist on the court.
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Two senators were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.
The first senator announced, “Those are deer tracks. It’s deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey.”
The second senator responded, “Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we’ll waste the day.”
Each senator believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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When a man arrived home from work, his wife was waiting for him. She sat him down and told him she had good news and bad news about the car.
"Right," he said. "What's the good news?"
She said: "The air bag works."
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Albert took over an old, run-down, abandoned allotment. The beds were overgrown with weeds, the shed was falling down, and the greenhouse was just a frame with broken glass.
During his first day of work, the vicar stopped by to bless Albert's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the allotment of your dreams!"
A few months later, the vicar stopped by again. Lo and behold, it was completely transformed. The shed had been expertly rebuilt, vegetables were growing in neat rows and the greenhouse had been re-glazed and was full of plump, ripe tomatoes.
"Amazing!" exclaimed the vicar. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," said Albert, "but remember what the place was like when God was working it alone!"
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A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked.
The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.
"Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular. . . ," she replied.
"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
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Will you explain that joke to me, My Majesty? :zoinks:
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Two pieces of broccoli catch each other's eyes outside the old windmill in the park. One says, "You are a hottie! You know what caught my eye about you?" The other says, "Is it my floret?" "No." "Is it sexy flowers in my head?" "No." "Then what is it?" The first piece of broccoli says, "I like your round girthy thick stem. You're long and green, and it drives me nuts." The other broccoli goes, "What are you, a 'stalker'?"
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Will you explain that joke to me, My Majesty? :zoinks:
No, you're too young. And your :penis: appendage is too small to stay up late at night.
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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’
The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
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Give yourself a little break and do not feel too guilty about having questionable housekeeping habits and allowing things to go a day or two.
The mother in "ET" had an alien living in her kid's closet for a week and did not even know it.
:orly:
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I'm so poor, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt. When people say "oh, you smell good, what is that?" I say "page 12!".
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Marriage is like a deck of cards, in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
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Two good ones MOSW.
Deciding to take up jogging, the man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk: "What is this little pocket thing here on the side for?" And the clerk: "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."
(Aside - I don't need that. I can yell from the end of the porch. If G_d had intended me to exercise he would have given me two legs. OH..............)
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
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Q: What did the mother ghost tell the baby ghost when he ate his pie too fast?
A: Stop goblin your dessert.
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What do you call a fake noodle?… An impasta.
Where did the spaghetti go to dance?… The meat ball!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?… He pasta way.
What do Italians eat on halloween?… Fetuccini A-fraid-o
What do you call a pasta that is sick?… Mac and sneeze.
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say before eating pasta? PASTA LA VISTA BABY.
What does an Irishman get after eating Italian lasagna?… Gaelic breath!
What would you get if you crossed pasta with a snake?… Spaghetti that wraps itself around a fork
What is the dress code at a pasta convention?… Bowtie
My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
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A PIECE OF ADVICE
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
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A PIECE OF ADVICE
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
I get the point!
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Many years ago I found an entire medical truck being stripped and salvaged at an Army Surplus outlet. I was with a "girl" who took an interest in the over two hundred army hospital urinals.
To me these new Starbucks straw free cup covers look exactly like the female version of those old urinals, My girlfriend wanted to buy about fifty of them and use them for planters. I told her they would not make good planters. I tried to tell her.
Maybe this is what they had in mind. Girl drinks too much coffee, stuck in traffic and she has a solution.
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I do not have Alzheimer's, I have sometimers.
Sometimes I give a damn and sometimes I do not!
:autism:
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My favorite thing to do when I first wake up in the morning is to roll over and take a nap.
THERE! I said it! :2thumbsup:
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My favorite thing to do when I first wake up in the morning is to roll over and take a nap.
THERE! I said it! :2thumbsup:
Wait until the first thing is that you hope there's no line for the bathroom.
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“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper,” said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years.
“Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down.
“Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” questioned Dorothy.
“Umm I guess I’ll take the soup,” He responded.
After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?”
“Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”
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My favorite thing to do when I first wake up in the morning is to roll over and take a nap.
THERE! I said it! :2thumbsup:
Wait until the first thing is that you hope there's no line for the bathroom.
Been there.
Now my wife and I have our own private bath just off our master bedroom. Our main problem is that she works nights these days and I do not EVER disturb her sleep. No real "good husband" thing going on, just watching out for my survival.
:autism:
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I cannot resist this. Priceless and beyond compare. It wins the Internet.
https://youtu.be/-PgTjhx1VLw
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Waking up on the floor of his apartment and wondering why his hungover room mate is trying to get the blender to make coffee he notices a check in his pocket. He asked why he has a hundred dollar check from the club we were at last night.
He said, like Bro' we were drinking pretty hard last night and we were about to taxi home, but you wanted one more for the road. After trying to stumble your way to the bar across the dance floor, scratching yourself everywhere and trying to keep your pants up, you won the exotic dance contest.
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Waking up on the floor of his apartment and wondering why his hungover room mate is trying to get the blender to make coffee he notices a check in his pocket. He asked why he has a hundred dollar check from the club we were at last night.
He said, like Bro' we were drinking pretty hard last night and we were about to taxi home, but you wanted one more for the road. After trying to stumble your way to the bar across the dance floor, scratching yourself everywhere and trying to keep your pants up, you won the exotic dance contest.
:congrats:
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Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear
- Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
- If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.
- Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.
Women's Luncheon:
Each member bring a sandwich.
Polly Phillips will give the medication.
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Because it's Monday, here are three jokes to cheer you up.
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
Sadly, no pun in 10 did.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent!
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Tuesday joke
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries. Also a hip replacement; later new knees.
I've fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 dozens of medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation and barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I have lost all my friends.
But Thank G_d, I still have my driver's license!
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One Wednesday Martin demanded of his boss, 'I must have a pay rise. You should realise there are three other companies after me.'
'Really?' replied Martin's boss,' And who might these companies be?'
'Southern Electricity, British Gas and British Telecom,' answered Martin.
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An OB decided that after many years of practice he needed a change in his life. He thought for a while and decided to pursue his childhood dream, to be an auto mechanic.
So he quit his practice and enrolled in community college for certification as an auto mechnic. When he received his grade for the final exam he was astounded that it was a 125.
He asked the instructor how he could have scored more than perfect on the test. The instructor replied,
"I've been teaching 40 years. I've never seen a student rebuild an engine through the tail pipe."
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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
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If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today?
One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”
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^^^ Well I use my phone to look at porn so they would probably understand that. ;D
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You can't imagine my time travel shock. I died in 1901. The typewriter was a fairly new invention.
Did you know it was originally called a typing machine. The operator was the typewriter. Sort of putting the cart before the horse.
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You can't imagine my time travel shock. I died in 1901. The typewriter was a fairly new invention.
Did you know it was originally called a typing machine. The operator was the typewriter. Sort of putting the cart before the horse.
And even though mechanical typewriters are mostly museum pieces now, we stilll use a keyboard that was designed to reduce jamming on mechanical typewriters by separating letters that were commonly used together. Even on touch screens.
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Windows does a modern version of the jamming.
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’
Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’
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What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate!
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Wal-Mart: The only place on earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life what not to wear episode.
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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a chicken walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the chicken’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the chicken. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
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Wal-Mart: The only place on earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life what not to wear episode.
:lol1:
I almost never shop at Satan's Five and Dime but when I do, I always people-watch to catch the freak show.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=92&v=dJJltIuVXpM
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Everything I've ever heard about wal-mart really sounds like they suck dog cock and swallow. Refusing to give patients the opioid medication legitimately prescribed by their doctors because they decided to play god and decide not to fill opioid painkiller scripts that are above a certain number of 'morphine equivalents' in potency per dose.
Snitching people up for buying lots of pseudoephedrine cold medicine, demanding ID to purchase said feedstock, deliberately selling pills of feedstock that are gakked to fuck, to make them difficult to extract, and when extracted, difficult to successfully reduce. Even really horrible polyampholyte gakks which are both acid and base-responsive, and which fuck up the migration of freebase pseudo or ephedrine into nonpolar solvents, and even worse, active in TINY amounts, so even traces remaining after cleaning one's glassware afterwards, can fuck up acid-base extractions of other, unrelated things. Polyampholyte gakks are just evil, noxious, vile fucking shit.
I am really thankful about the worst we get here are waxes like stearates and povidone, crospovidone in UK pseudo pills, since UK pseudo pills are far less gakked than in the US.
Not that I tend to make meth from pseudo. It'd be far more economical to make it in bulk via knoevanagel condensation of benzaldehyde and nitroethane, and reduce the corresponding phenylnitropropene. Or react the P2NP with iron powder, a bit of ferric chloride, at 80 'C, either in hydrochloric acid or glacial acetic acid to make P2P (1-phenyl-2-propanone, phenylacetone) and reductively aminate this with methylamine to give meth, or ethylamine to give ethylamphetamine. Or form the ketoxime and reduce with say, zinc dust and ammonium formate, or dissolve in absolutely anhydrous ethanol,under inert atmosphere,and slowly add sodium metal, in little pieces, cut up under paraffin just prior to use, adding the sodium to the ethanolic solution of P2P ketoxime. This, is called a Bouveault-Blanc reduction.
The products from P2NP, reductive amination of P2P (although it's probably possible to employ some form of chirally directing catalyst for enantioenriched or enantioselective synthesis) produces racemic products however, although the laevo-meth can be removed and recycled to make P2P to be reacted again, crystallization with D-tartaric acid, selectively forms crystals with the desirable D-isomer of meth/ethamphetamine, a process called chiral resolution. Rather than solely making D-meth which results from reduction of ephedrine or pseudo.
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13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favoUrite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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Lestat - not sure of the rest of your post, but it's a federal law to require ID and be entered into a data base for pseudoephedrine purchases. Obvious reason.
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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the little voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"
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A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?” The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”
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The rest of my post, QV, was an explanation, in brief of quite WHY it makes bollocks all sense to have pharmacists on a bloody leash, yapping and rolling over on command. And having them play pig without badge.
One doesn't need ephedrine/pseudo to make meth. That red phosphorus/iodine (Nagai reduction) technique, its really a technique for end users, making for themselves, maybe a few family or friends, the odd party with hookers for those so inclined, in terms of scaling.
The real flood, is chinese pseudo being diverted or obtained legitimately via front companies belonging to mexican cartel bosses, in the US at least. And running mega-labs. They aren't fucking about extracting it from cold pills, they are buying it in the tonnage weights, and they sure as shit won't be using red phosphorus and iodine, it just wouldn't be economical, or easy to control. Probably a process like going via chloroephedrine and catalytic hydrogenation. with Urushibara nickel, maybe Raney nickel.
That's IF they'd be using pseudo at all, IMO it'd be far easier to go via P2P and methylamine, form the imine and reduce, again, at the scales seen in mexi-meth superlabs, probably reducing the intermediate imine via catalytic hydrogenation.
There's a million and one different ways to skin the cat, so to speak, when it comes to making P2P, it isn't difficult to accomplish, in fact, if you challenged me to do it, I could have it done within a few hours. Add another half hour or so if you said I make all my materials from the reagents I have to hand, right here, right now, rather than use ready made P2NP.
That does give a racemic product, going from the phenylacetone (P2P routes) rather than the D-meth formed as an enantiopure product from pseudo/eph as feedstock, but for those interested in quality over quantity then resolution of the product and recycling to form P2P again from the leftover laevo-methamphetamine (the sought after dopaminergic effects reside in the D-isomer of meth, of amphetamine and of ethylamphetamine, whilst the laevo-amphetamines are not recreational,they are just noradrenergic release-reuptake inhibitors) is possible by selective crystallization using naturally sourced tartaric acid (natural, plant, animal etc. systems tend to be chirally selective rather than producing racemic forms of biomolecules, it's almost always enantiopure in fact, if you're grabbing it from a biological source, whatever 'it' might be.
Or, hell, to avoid pseudoephedrine purchase, one could go via l-phenacetylcarbinol as the intermediate, produced via a biosynthesis, using benzaldehyde as the starting precursor, and using normal brewer's yeast. Ideally encapsulated in calcium alginate microspheres prepared from a perfluorocarbon-H2O emulsion to improve oxygen transport.
Something like 10g/liter is possible with the right technique, and the resulting amphetamines, would bee enantiopure. In fact I know of at least one Bee who is working on just that, who's done it using biosynthesis with immobilized yeast and benzaldehyde as feedstock. Benz is a bit hot to buy, although certainly a lot more available than the likes of red phosphorus (to most people), but it is used in synthetic almond essence. OR, one could buy paint strippers based on benzyl alcohol, the newer, more environmentally friendly crap we here in the UK are getting foisted on us instead of dichloromethane (bastards), and distill out the benzyl alcohol, followed by oxidizing it selectively to the aldehyde using activated manganese dioxide, which could be prepared from the manganese dioxide found in zinc-carbon type batteries, alkaline cells etc. Or for the more adventurous, using reactions like the Etard rxn, Collins reagent, the Jones oxidation, pyridinium chlorochromate, or, better than the Jones route, the Sarrett oxidation; to oxidize the benzyl alcohol to benzaldehyde.
At 10g product/liter, say you run ten, ten liter capacity fermenters with such a high efficiency process, thats 1kg right there. From benzaldehyde and yeast, plus nutrients, pyruvate, and vitamins, trace elements for the yeast to live on.
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I know, Lestat. I was just having a go at your verbosity. :-*
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Q: Where do they hold prizefights in Fastfoodland?
A: In an onion ring!
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Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?
Thanks Jim
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What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests!
Why did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine? Because he was having a coffin fit.
What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog? I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
Why wasn'tthere any food left after the monster party?' Cos everyone was a goblin.
Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn? It was a stake sandwich.
Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose? A bloodhound.
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?Halloween grave jokes A dead ringer.
What do skeletons always order at a restaurant? Spare ribs!
Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-apart.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
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On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 LunarModule, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot OnThe Moon.
His First Words After Stepping On The Moon,'that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind,'Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.
But Just Before He Re-entered The Lander, He Made The EnigmaticRemark 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky.'
Many People At Nasa Thought It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky InEither The Russian Or American Space Programs.
Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky'... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.
On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , WhileAnswering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter BroughtUp The 26 Year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time HeFinally Responded. Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil ArmstrongFelt He Could Now Answer The Question.
In 1938, When Neil Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He WasPlaying Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His FriendHit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By TheirBedroom Window.
His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky. 'sex, You Want Sex Now??!!'
You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!'
True Story
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https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/good-luck-mr-gorsky/
Good luck Mr Gorsky. Unfortunately it's fake news.
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https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/good-luck-mr-gorsky/
Good luck Mr Gorsky. Unfortunately it's fake news.
What does Snopes know? Trump says he was with Armstrong on the moon and HE says it's true.
Laugh anyway. :LOL:
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Two brief jokes for today.
Why was Harry Potter sent to Dumbledores office?
For cursing in class.
What did the Librarian say to the rapper?
"I like big books and I can not lie"
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I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said; “Well, that’s a little condescending.” :oneliner:
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:puke:
You may've claimed PMS Elle's title as "The anti-Christ of puns".
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They're called dwarves. :zoinks:
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:puke:
You may've claimed PMS Elle's title as "The anti-Christ of puns".
Thanks, I think.
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During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did" said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.
"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
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There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.
It’s called Monday.
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There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.
It’s called Monday.
:laugh:
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QV, why do you use the British spelling for "humour"? Is it because you are "in character" or do you always spell it like that?
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/45544745_372037876898106_7025497654989684736_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=09cbd78266db6f2cdd9accb31851a82c&oe=5C834A85)
I thought this was a little bit funny.
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QV, why do you use the British spelling for "humour"? Is it because you are "in character" or do you always spell it like that?
I thought this was a little bit funny.
I sometimes spell as if I was a Brit as well. Partly because I use a little piece of software that allows me to quickly find words I need to remember or spell correctly that is sponsored by those who consistently update The Oxford English Dictionary. I often catch myself and self correct the corrections but not always.
BTW, I think that thing was funny.
Going out, armed, to check my shed.
:tard:
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I've been spelling some words the English way since my teens. Back then I couldn't use the "our" alternatives because they would be marked as errors on my school work, so I was mostly limited to grey vs gray back then.
I also tend to do some English pronounciations: schedule and scone come to mind off the top of my head.
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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
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That is the kind of joke my kids told when they were very young.
At first you laugh to support them, ask for more, but that was it, so you just sit there and begin a slow chuckle from deep inside.
No guffaw, like you had performed to support the joke teller, but you just simmer in giggle juice magic for a few minutes.
Because it IS funny!
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A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Beetle says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a king-size bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Beetle are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
(It's OK... This joke is CLEAN)
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out...I got a KING-SIZE installed in my Rolls."
"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT ????"
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning...
'Windows frozen; won't open'
Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer'
Five minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'
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Linux doesn't have that problem. :D
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Linux doesn't have that problem. :D
Is he that guy from Peanuts?
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Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!
Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!
Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because he thought his wife was a flake
Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
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Q. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
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Linux doesn't have that problem. :D
Is he that guy from Peanuts?
Yes. The Swedish one.
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Linux doesn't have that problem. :D
Is he that guy from Peanuts?
Yes. The Swedish one.
Oooooooooooooh, I love his meatballs.
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Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!
Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!
Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because he thought his wife was a flake
Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
I groaned. :P
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Q. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
I groaned again. :P
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Q. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
I groaned again. :P
You're not going to believe this, but I didn't catch it when I posted it. I had to read your post and think. You're smarter than I.
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
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Q. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
I groaned again. :P
That one belongs in the make fun of Sweden thread. :zoinks:
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Q. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
I groaned again. :P
That one belongs in the make fun of Sweden thread. :zoinks:
I think you're having a bit of a gopher moment there....
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Q. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
I groaned again. :P
That one belongs in the make fun of Sweden thread. :zoinks:
I think you're having a bit of a gopher moment there....
Oh yeah. :lol1: It would still make a good Swedish joke too. :zoinks:
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Q. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
I groaned again. :P
That one belongs in the make fun of Sweden thread. :zoinks:
I think you're having a bit of a gopher moment there....
Oh yeah. :lol1: It would still make a good Swedish joke too. :zoinks:
Yes. Although I had to google the Swedish flag (the Swiss flag, like most people I guess, I know what it looks like already).
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Q. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
I groaned again. :P
You're not going to believe this, but I didn't catch it when I posted it. I had to read your post and think. You're smarter than I.
Nah, I'm not so sure.
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Q. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
I groaned again. :P
I used to be a genius since I belonged to Mensa. Ever since I stopped paying dues my IQ has gone down.
You're not going to believe this, but I didn't catch it when I posted it. I had to read your post and think. You're smarter than I.
Nah, I'm not so sure.
No idea what I intended to reply to this quote. I just saw this today, too late to delete it and mess up the data base.
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Funny Holiday Notices In the Hotel Shop:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
If this is your first visit to Tokyo, you are welcome to it.
Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Specialist in women and other diseases.
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
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:lol1:
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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
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not really the right thread for this, but..........
I may be MIA (at worst) or a quick drop-in until the new year. Lots of stuff I'd like to (and more importantly NEED to) do.
However long I'm off the beaten track have awesome holidays ya'll.
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Hope all goes well, especially that "other thing" you mentioned.
You will be missed.
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A long one to make up for my absence. From medical records:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
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:rofl: +
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The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's court ordered Saturday school for moving violation offenders.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too s- faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a d-head all day long.
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+1 for the last one in that list QV.
The filth seem to manage it instinctively. They are too fucking stupid to actually cognitively DECIDE to be a fucking whoreson of a gutterborn rat-bastard sack of shit. It's instinct, like an insect responding to a pheromonal cue, or a plant responding to auxins.
Still good enough reason for a cull to be a good idea however.
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Awesome QV!
:thumbup:
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A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.””
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
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Gotta agree.
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There were 3 bees, a squirrel and a man in a car.They were driving along a country lane and the car broke down.
The first bee said, " Don't worry. I'll give us a few extra miles by peeing in the tank".
It worked, for a couple of miles until they broke down again.
And so the second bee decided to do the same as the first bee, and this lasted another couple of miles until they broke down again.
So the third bee did exactly the same.Then finally the car broke down.
The squirrel said " I'll pee in the tank"
The man replied, "Sorry mate, this car only runs on BP."
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Consider yourself plussed again, Your Majesty.
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Thank you all for the compliments and "yays". I am too often lax in sending my thanks.
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An Essex girl with 10 children, all boys, was at a park and talking to another mother who had just 2 children. The other mother asked "how do you remember all their names?" and the Essex girl said "that's easy, I gave them all the same name: Wayne".
The Essex girl continued: "That way, when I need them to go to bed I can just say 'Wayne, go to bed', and when they are at the playground I can just say 'Wayne, it's time to go home'". The other mother said "but what happens on Christmas morning, how do they know which presents are theirs?" and the Essex girl said "that's easy, I just write their surnames on the presents".
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Mick & Moe
Mick and Moe were arrested for smoking dope; they appeared in court on Friday. After hearing the charges against them, the judge said, "You seem like nice young men.... and this is your first offense. I'm going to give you both a second chance. Rather than wasted time in jail, you could be of great value to our community. Go out this weekend and explain to others the evils of drug use.... try to convince them to give up drugs forever! Be back in this same courtroom on Monday at 9 o'clock sharp."
Monday, the two reappeared before the judge. "How did you do over the weekend?" he asked of Mick. "Well, Sir, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen! That's wonderful!" What did you tell them?" asked the judge. "I used a diagram, your Honor," explained Mick. "I drew two circles; I told them' the big circle is your brain before drugs; the small circle is your brain after drugs.' "
"That's quite admirable," remarked the judge. "And you, how did you do?" he inquired of Moe.
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156! That's truly amazing! How in the world did you manage to do that?" "Well, Judge, I used a similar approach. I also drew a large circle and a small circle. I said, pointing to the small circle,' this is your asshole before prison. ..........' "
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Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.
Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: What did the Eagle say when he was cold?
A: Birrrrrd.
Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!
Q: Did you hear about the boy who turned up to school with only 1 glove?
A: He said the weather man said it's going to be cold but on the other hand it might be warm
Q: Why did the blonde serve her cheating husband frozen leftovers?
A: She heard that "Revenge is a dish best served cold".
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’
I was just recently thinking about this commandment, and how it seems to be mostly overlooked for one reason or another.
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A man walks into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey jumps up on the bar and eats a whole bowl of peanuts without even chewing them. Then he plucks an olive out of someone's drink and swallows it. The man says "sorry, this monkey swallows everything he sees, I don't know how to stop him from doing it".
Then the monkey jumps up on the pool table and swallows the 8 ball. The barman tells the man "you and the monkey get the heck out of my bar".
A month later the man returns with the monkey. The monkey jumps up on the bar and there is a bowl of almonds. The monkey grabs one almond and sticks it up his behind, then puts it in his mouth and swallows it. Then he grabs another and repeats the process.
The barman says "mate, what the heck is your monkey doing now?". The man says "he still swallows everything he sees. But ever since he swallowed that 8-ball, he checks it for size first".
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:moon:
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“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
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An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
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That's sort of sad.
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That's sort of sad.
Probably wasn't a very memorable instructor.
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That's sort of sad.
I know. I try to have a range of jokes since we have a different senses of humours. Someone here probably did find it funny.
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Jack thought it was funny. Honestly don't know how I manage to be me. In the last year, have trained four people at work and every one of them asked multiple times, how do I remember it all? Little do they know I regularly get lost, and will probably be one of those old people who needs a tracker in case I happen to wander off. :laugh:
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Jack thought it was funny. Honestly don't know how I manage to be me. In the last year, have trained four people at work and every one of them asked multiple times, how do I remember it all? Little do they know I regularly get lost, and will probably be one of those old people who needs a tracker in case I happen to wander off. :laugh:
Start training a guide dog?
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Jack thought it was funny. Honestly don't know how I manage to be me. In the last year, have trained four people at work and every one of them asked multiple times, how do I remember it all? Little do they know I regularly get lost, and will probably be one of those old people who needs a tracker in case I happen to wander off. :laugh:
Start training a guide dog?
Or a bloodhound to find me.
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I have no sense of direction and I often find myself hopelessly lost. As I've gotten older I get lost less often. Part of it is having a route-finding app on my smartphone. Part of it is knowing that I get lost easily and making a mental note of things like landmarks and turns.
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I have no sense of direction and I often find myself hopelessly lost.
When I read that, I thought you were talking about having no sense of life direction, and being hopelessly lost in your life, and I was really concerned and actually thought "awwww I'm so sorry".
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Jack thought it was funny. Honestly don't know how I manage to be me. In the last year, have trained four people at work and every one of them asked multiple times, how do I remember it all? Little do they know I regularly get lost, and will probably be one of those old people who needs a tracker in case I happen to wander off. :laugh:
Start training a guide dog?
Or a bloodhound to find me.
:thumbup:
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The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
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A fellow walks towards an ATM to get some money, and notices a man already standing there. He waits for the guy to finish his business, but the guy at the ATM is doing a weird thing standing on one leg, with the other up in the air at an angle, like a stork or something. The fellow calls out to the man "Hey man, what are you doing?" And the man at the ATM, standing on one leg, replies, "I'm checking my balance".
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:thumbup:
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Q: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?
A: A zebra!
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Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.
“There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said.
“You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”
Ole said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.
The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.”
Again Ole replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions.
He turned to Lena, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?”
Lena replied, “Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage today.”
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:2thumbsup:
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Two prison inmates were standing in the cafeteria line getting lunch...
One inmate said to the other inmate, "When I was governor, the food was much better!"
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What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
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LOL...my old man just took a first mouthful of his morning coffee. And gagged, went into the kitchen, tipped it straight down the sink.
He'd accidentally picked up the jug full of chocolate milk I'd made by using a part-full milk jug to tip in a full tub of cadbury's hot chocolate mix into cold milk, put the cap on and shook the fucking shit out of it until the bits all got bashed smooth.
Making for a slightly chunky chocolate milkshake, full of little tiny bubbles of chocolatey goo on the outside that burst open in a 'fwoof' of chocolate powder when they pop. It gives it a really nice texture. He accidentally poured a load of that into his morning mug of coffee.
Serves him right. He drinks instant for one. And puts milk in it for another.
Instant is foul and rancid enough. But milk in coffee or tea, that is definitely NOT squeebles-ey. Ew. That is just rank. One might as well shove a coffee enema up one's arse, drink a milkshake, then go suck the clotted coagulated casein chunks out of one's own brown-stuff as drink coffee with milk in it.
Or, as I'm for some weird reason, reminded for the first time ever since hearing the foul-mouthed little sod who said it, say it, to 'go suck the milk from your mother's poo' :P
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^ Oddly enough, at least some marsupials consume their mother's poo as their first meal. Due to their being born before gut bacteria have had a chance to develop.
I had goat curry for lunch, it was really good.
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You really set yourself up for it, so don't blame me....
And I thought you just had disgusting table manners.....:tard:
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I like chocolate milk in coffee. More than regular at least.
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What's the technical term for a cup of coffee at work?
Break fluid.
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It Was So Cold that
We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"
Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.
UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!
The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence! I chipped a tooth on my soup!
My Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands! The dogs were wearing cats!
Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
People with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!
Terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!
Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.
We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!
When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!
The dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!
Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.
We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!
The Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started!0
When we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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Since tonight is the longest night of the year, here are some jokes to keep you laughting tonight and warm on the inside.
Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctors?… He was feeling crummy.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?… Frostbite.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?… A cookie sheet!
How do snowmen travel around?… By icicle!
How does one snowman greet another snowman?…. Ice to meet you.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?… Answer: Brrrr- itos.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?… Cold cash!
Where does a snowman keep his money?… In a snow bank.
What is the snowman’s breakfast?… Frosted flakes!
Where the snowman does dances on?… A snow ball!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?… Snowflakes!
What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?… The letter “D”!
What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?… Chill out.
What does Jack Frost like best about school?… Snow and tell.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?… Do you smell carrots?
Knock Knock…Who’s there?… Snow… Snow who?… Snow business like show business !
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?… She gave him the cold shoulder!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?… Ice caps!
What’s an ig?… An eskimo’s home without a loo!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?… Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?… Snowballs!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?… A snowball!
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?… You wake up wet!
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?… Frost bite!
How do you call an Eskimo cow?… An Eskimoo!
How do you scare a snowman?… You get a hairdryer!
What’s a good winter tip?… Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?… A puddle!
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?… An ice burger with chili sauce.
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?… Auld Fang Syne!
Why are there only snowmen and not snowwomen?… Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
How do Eskimos make their beds?… With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter?… They wear snowcaps.
What did the snowman say to the customer?… Have an ice day!
What do you call a slow skier?… A slopepoke!
Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?… Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
Where does a polarbear keep its money?… In a snow bank!
What do you call a snowman in the desert?… A puddle!
How does an Eskimo stick his house together?… With igloo!
Knock, knock!… Who’s there?… Snow… Snow who?… Snowbody!
What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?… Polaroids!
Why did the snowman want a divorce?… Because he thought his wife was a flake
Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?… When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?… The outside!
What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?… Leeks!
What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?… “Dam!”
What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?… Cold cream.
What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?… no eyed deer.
What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?… The crack of dawn!
If you live in an igloo, what’s the worst thing about global warming?… No privacy!
What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?… “Want to go for a spin?”
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?… A receding hare line.
Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?… They’re both below C level!
What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?… “You hang around while I go on ahead.”
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?… One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Where do seals go to see movies?… The dive-in!
What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?… Owlgebra.
What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?… A nervous wreck.
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
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Happy Christmas Eve. (I think the second one is the best)
Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
A: RUDEolph.
Q: What is the best work union in the world?
A: The reindeer union. Full pay, food, housing and only need to work one night a year.
Q: What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
A: This will sleigh you.
Q: Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
A: Because he didn’t want to be recognized.
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It Was So Cold that
Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.
These ones made me chuckle. :]
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The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him and asked 'What do you want for Christmas?'
'Something for my mother, please,' replied young lady sweetly.
'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa.
'What do would you like me to bring her?'
Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, 'A millionaire son-in-law.'
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Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly.
As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?"
Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people star asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want."
So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!" he thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!" Santa rushed around a corner to hide.
"It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!" Santa
thought. So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face.
Suddenly a man shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"
Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?"
The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you, but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?
-
We had some stormy, gusty weather overnight, so:
Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning.
In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor.
A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt.
She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
“It was the most amazing thing … it was the most amazing thing.” she kept repeating dazedly.
“What was the most amazing thing, Ma am?” asked one of the rescuers.
“I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn’t suddenly drain away.”
-
After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!! “Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like this.
“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
“Idiot”, he shouted, “I dropped you at the hotel !”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
He shouted again, “I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car.”!!
-
An executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.
After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.
"It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"
"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.
"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
-
Sunday's joke posted a bit early.
My girlfriend had just wrecked her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to emerge from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police officer arrived.
“My Goodness!” the police officer gasped, “Your car looks like an accordion that has been crushed by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, thank you officer, I’m fine” my girlfriend replied.
“How did this happen?” asked the Police Officer as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“It was the strangest thing!” my girlfriend began. I was driving along this road when this tree jumped out on me. I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was …”
“Madam”, the officer said, cutting her short, “There are no trees for 20 miles on this road. That was your air freshener going back and forth!”
-
In case you're home alone tonight or at a party and want to be the life (or death) of it:
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with rum, vodka, or whiskey.
New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
I'm getting drunk just thinking about tonight.
My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
If you're born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I buy only what I need and want all I have.
Happy New Year! If 2018 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.
This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.
I'll remember 2018 like it was yesterday.
Dear Luck, .....can we be friends in 2019 Please?
I raised my left leg before the ball dropped so I could start the New Year off on the right foot.
In 2019, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accept you.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hoverboard....again.
Dear G_d, my prayer for 2019 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.
I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.
Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 5th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can't help you.
I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2018 and a beautiful beginning into 2019.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.
Every year I make a resolution to change myself....... this year making a resolution to be myself!
I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2019.
Just heard that in 2019 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.
My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something!
Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.
Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Think of joy, Forget the fear. Be joyous, cause its a New Year.
New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.
I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
My 2019 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.
People think New Years is a life changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions.
I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.
It's officially New Year Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.
There have been many times in 2018, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you....today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2019!
-
What's the best kind of drink to bring to a politician's christmas dinner?
Molotov cocktails.
-
Might have to dust this one off a bit:
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog, and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
-
You actualy......LMFAO DD that, is fucking HILARIOUS.
That is the sort of snark that only an autie is equipped to deliver IMO.
-
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
-
Happy New Year.
My New Year resolution: I'm going to be naughty and save Santa a trip.
Help yourself. I've got a whole drawerful of resolutions I'm not using.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
-
Police in Lexington KY suffered a tragic loss today.
(https://i.imgur.com/InVsn5Lm.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/IVa6eiUm.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/5i5UUFhm.jpg)
Police from around the world have been sharing their condolences.
https://twitter.com/lexkypolice/status/1079842747782230016
-
HAH!
SUFFER! you fat, shit-snuffing pack of whoreborn bastards SUFFER!.
A great present for new years, thanks :) I always appreciate the suffering and misery of the filth, savour it as if it were fine wine and I somebody who drank (or could stand) wine.
To see a cop so dejected and downtrodden looking like that, as if about to burst into tears, it warms my heart IQ, my thanks. Too bad none were killed, or better still, permanently disfigured and left in perpetual agony after 3rd-degree grease burns trying to rescue doomed donuts.
What I'd love to see, is a donut truck, or one set up to look like one, loaded with donuts, all spiked with something horrific, a poison intended not to kill, but to reduce the victim to a broken, mentally crippled suffering meat-prison for the rest of their natural lifespan. Something such as domoic acid perhaps. Make sure no civilians got in of course, but let the filth gorge themselves. Maybe timed-release preparation to allow lots of filth to bring it and spread them among their fellow swine and loved ones.
Would be as sweet as manna from heaven.
-
A florist went into the Barber shop for a haircut.
"How much do I owe you ?" asked the florist, afterwards.
"Nothing at all " replied the barber. it's my community service week"
Next morning, as went to open up the shop, the barber found a bouquet of flowers outside .
Then a policeman came in :
"Short back and sides please. How much?"
"Nothing at all, sir. It's my community service week"smiled the barber.
Next morning, he found a bag doughnuts in the porch outside.
Then a politician showed up. "How much?"
"Nothing at all, sir. it's my community service week"
Next morning, as the barber went to open up his shop, he found a line of politicians waiting outside.
-
How do you stop a copper from drowning? (well, ideally, you don't, of course, you just throw stones at him every time he starts looking like he might be able to swim to safety until he gets so exhausted he either drowns, or has to come close enough for you to hit him in the head with a brick and blacks out in the water)
Take your foot off the toilet seat.
If this world both possesses a true inbuilt karma system and a sense of poetic justice, when pigs die, they will wake up in a circle of anthropomorphized donuts wielding cricket bats, baseball bats and wooden planks with rusty nails hammered into them.
-
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig and a chicken. When he got to the table he saw a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says: "You kicked the cow, so no milk for you; you kicked the pig, so no bacon for you; and you kicked the chicken, so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat. The boy turns to his mother and says: "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
-
A man was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know,"
said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?" and he smiles.
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Then, do you really feel
you are qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
The stranger turned his back and tried to go to sleep ! !
-
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..
-
You actualy......LMFAO DD that, is fucking HILARIOUS.
That is the sort of snark that only an autie is equipped to deliver IMO.
Sorry, Lestat, but I can not claim credit for that one.
It is a very old joke and I admitted so when I prefaced it with something about having to dust this one off a bit.
But it IS hilarious and I wanted to share it here. I copied and pasted it and it was already presented in first person.
-
When I get a call from an unknown number, I answer by whispering breathlessly
"It's done. But there's blood everywhere."
-
DirtDawg deserves a crown too.
-
When I get a call from an unknown number, I answer by whispering breathlessly
"It's done. But there's blood everywhere."
:lol1:
-
When I get a call from an unknown number, I answer by whispering breathlessly
"It's done. But there's blood everywhere."
I used to do similar, but that is way better.
-
That joke came from The PR's former pediatrician. Still friends although she hasn't seen him in donkey years
-
When I get a call from an unknown number, I answer by whispering breathlessly
"It's done. But there's blood everywhere."
I did something similar when I was shopping for an F-150.
I found a very overpriced one in Eugene that was in the parking lot of a very run down, ghetto-ish apartment complex. I noticed that they had an (805) area code. Since I still had an 805 area code myself, I decided to fuck with them.
I texted "I can't get the fat guy into the woodchipper and the chainsaw quit working".
They replied "You must have the wrong number"
I replied "No worries, I figured out you can melt fat with a blowtorch".
-
Two cab drivers met."Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?""Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
-
Q: Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
A: It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
-
Q: Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
A: It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
I cannot fault this logic.
-
Q: Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
A: It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
I almost did once. I was bowling with my own ball (I have my own and wasn't using the house balls) when some kid came up from a different lane and took my ball from the... whatever it is, the ball holder thingy? Anyway I followed the kid and as soon as he put the ball down I grabbed it and told him that it was mine, bought and paid for. He said he couldn't find a ball to fit his hand and I said that's exactly why I bought a ball that was made for me.
It was an amicable conversation. The kid went to his dad to ask about getting his own ball and I went back to my lane as it was my turn.
-
Q: Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
A: It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
That said, you tend to notice it more when you drop a bowling ball on your foot.
-
Oh a golf ball can do a fair bit of damage, I've seen it happen once. My last spazz school, a boarding school, got a bunch of us taken out on a golfing outing for a bit of R&R, and I happened to be in the right place at the right time, this girl, joanne, hit a million to one shot, unless she had talent she wasn't letting on about, while one of the staff was a good few hundred yards away in some trees, belted the ball with her driver and managed to hit the guy right in the back of the head, dropped him to the floor. He noticed it alright, probably lucky he didn't end up in hospital.
No permanent harm done though, luckily for him he was pretty far away at the time, all the same, it knocked the stuffing out of him.
Even funnier than the driving range incident, where I fucked up royally, and twatted a ball into the side panels of the stand enclosure, hard as I could, only it didn't go anywhere in the intended direction, and went on to richochet around WAY too damn close for comfort. Bloody luck I didn't get hit then myself.
Ever noticed though, that those who actually take up golf as a hobby/sport seem to often prove a real pack of stuck up, poncing dickholes? There's a place I go to pick mushrooms, and there's a golf course sort of looping round a forest in a vague horseshoe shape, there's a private golf clubhouse there, but the entire area is public right of way, and I've had fucking mental cases threaten to try caving my head in before for going there, not in their way, I make damn sure to keep OUT of the way, after what that chick did in my old spazz school, and still, quite a few of them are abusive, sometimes to the point of threatening violence. It's never once been the dog walkers, never once been the hikers, only the fucking golfers.
-
I can usually find a 16 pounder with finger holes barely big enough. Also I always ask for the biggest shoes they have. 13s are a squeeze but I'm happier if they have 14s.
I prefer playing 9 ball. But not many places to play around here.
-
Golf is better. You can store the ball in your ass.
-
Golf is better. You can store the ball in your ass.
It's the wrong hole.
-
Back to clean jokes..............
I know you can see some of these a smile away, but just put a golf ball in it and read:
What do you call a fake noodle?… An impasta.
Where did the spaghetti go to dance?… The meat ball!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?… He pasta way.
What do Italians eat on halloween?… Fetuccini A-fraid-o
What do you call a pasta that is sick?… Mac and sneeze.
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say before eating pasta? PASTA LA VISTA BABY.
What does an Irishman get after eating Italian lasagna?… Gaelic breath!
What would you get if you crossed pasta with a snake?… Spaghetti that wraps itself around a fork
What is the dress code at a pasta convention?… Bowtie
My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
-
Golf is better. You can store the ball in your ass.
It's the wrong hole.
Well...as a male, the OTHER one's way too small
-
Back to clean jokes..............
Perfectly clean if you have an enema first
-
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"
-
A flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
(I thought of odeon when I read this.)
-
A flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
(I thought of odeon when I read this.)
:lol1:
-
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/34/Adam_Air_crash.jpg)
And in Indonesia, sometimes they land just a little too hard.
(I've flown on this airline).
-
WTF happened there?
-
WTF happened there?
The plane broke in half.
Indonesian pilots are not known for their gentle landings. I used to play pool with a guy in Jakarta whose job was setting up flight simulators to try to improve their technique.
AdamAir also had some dodgy old planes that were at the end of their serviceable life.
-
I'm gonna start clapping on safe landings. :P
-
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/34/Adam_Air_crash.jpg)
And in Indonesia, sometimes they land just a little too hard.
(I've flown on this airline).
Maybe the plane was a fundamentalist and was being chased by the winged man on the tail.
-
Young Gordon was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Reading station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.
‘The next train is in one hour,’ intoned the stationmaster.
The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Gordon had a coke. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.
‘Next one is sixty minutes from now,’ grunted the stationmaster.
An hour later, Gordon, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.
‘Your parents just left you,’ said the stationmaster. ‘Why are you laughing?’
Gordon smiled, ‘They only came to see me off.’
-
Q: Why are (American) football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
A: After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
-
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap' on its head.'
-
I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like.
How do you do that?
I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!
-
Thanks DirtDawg. I hadn't heard that one in so long (1950's?) that it was new to me. Laughter is timeless.
-
Try this one on.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive triple-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,.............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid, Duh. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
-
Royal Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
An Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the 3 badge Royal Marine with 15 years service behind him, who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the Royal Marine responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
-
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE._
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Vancouver, B.C., was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Actually a true story.
-
Murphy’s lesser known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Sorry, I will stop for a while, now.
-
:lol1:
-
I think the Queen has found a consort for her humour.
-
I think the Queen has found a consort for her humour.
Queenie’s on the make! :pinkbeat: :pinkbeat:
-
An open minded couple go to the Primitive Baptist Church revival and listen to the preacher.
After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar...
The man gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "What do you want me to pray about for you?"
The man replies: "Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in his ear, and he places the other hand on top of his head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for his hearing.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"So, how is your hearing now?"
The man says, "I don't know, my hearing ain't till next Friday at county court."
-
A lovely blond woman swished up to the counter at the local library and asked for a burger, small fries and a milk shake.
The librarian glared at her and said, quietly, "Lady, this is a library."
It was like a light bulb went off behind the lovely woman's face and so she leaned in closer and whispered, "OH! I am sorry. I just want a burger, small fries and a milk shake."
-
Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work.
One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.
We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.
In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'
-
What do you get when you cross a cat and a chicken?
A peeping tom.
-
Slightly naughty, but a good one.
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a tree log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you friggin' leave me alone? I'm trying to take a shit!"
-
:lol1:
-
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite.."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says,"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything ! on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks,"How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now."How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know! why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
-
They put weight on drivers' licences over in America? I'm sure glad they don't do that here.
-
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling..
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.
That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again...
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk?'
-
They put weight on drivers' licences over in America? I'm sure glad they don't do that here.
Yes. It's the most common form of fiction in the USA, after the collected works of President Trump.
-
I wanted to tie all my watches into a belt. Then I realized it was a waist of time.
-
I wanted to tie all my watches into a belt. Then I realized it was a waist of time.
*groan*
-
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"
-
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved three year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here... Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve."
-
Bill has hit a rough patch with his girlfriend and being a modern man, he tried a modern solution.
"Alexa, what is it that women want?"
Now, Bill has no clue what the damn thing is talking about, but it has not shut up for three days.
-
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved three year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here... Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve."
:laugh:
-
When my daughter was 5, I let her watch The Lion King. She's a fairly emotional little thing, so we were concerned about how she'd react to the death of the father.
We get to the scene, and I'm watching her carefully, but there's no big reaction... this is a kid who cries during some commercials. Anyways, I don't beg the issue and let it roll. Later in the movie she asks where Simba's dad is, and I think, "here we go". I pause the movie and talk with her about how he died in the stampede.
Her reaction...
"What's the big deal, he still has his mom"
Ice cold.
-
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I
wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
-
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?' He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
She says,'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.
-
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
-
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?' He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
She says,'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.
:laugh:
-
Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.
Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'
Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.
-
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up
the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt..........
One button at a time.........
No one moves.................
He removes his shirt...............
Muscles ripple across his chest and back ... ......
She gasps....................
He whispers..................
'Iron this shirt out nice fer Saturday. But git me a beer right off.'
-
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? Do you follow any sports and travel a lot?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! Traveling is very dangerous!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a damn about how long you live? Sounds to me like your life is already over."
-
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texan woman are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks a non-alcohol beer throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have
so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Texan woman, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Texas, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
-
I love the fact this was written with the girl carrying a .45. God bless those Texas girls!
-
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap and sleep things off. Although
not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, 'Good morning,
Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book?' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says
the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
-
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...
-
A BLIND OLD COWBOY IS SITTING AT A BAR
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a really good a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat and a terrible attitude.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl capable of throwing you over her shoulder.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 195-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and I can put you in the hospital with one hand.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter certified lifting more than twice your weight.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional boxer with twenty two knock outs.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that blond joke to all of us?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No. Hell no, Nevermind! Not telling y'all a joke if I'm gonna have to explain the damn thing five times over.”
-
All apologies to my blond "friends" but just so you know, I am a ginger blond. Surely there are a bunch of jokes about that shit.
I know that some of those jokes helped to teach me how to fight.
-
Loved, loved, !oved the Abbott and Costello joke.
-
Loved, loved, !oved the Abbott and Costello joke.
Right? We should make more.
-
The (insert your least favorite sports team) Coach is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to dress themselves.
-
Everyone is like "build a wall"
I'm over here like "Finish I-4"
-
Everyone is like "build a wall"
The wall is important, but what do I know? I'm not an American, so I don't get to have a say on the wall. But, still: build the wall.
-
A naked woman robbed a bank.
No one could remember her face.
-
An ALABAMA couple decided that 11 kids were enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to the veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, ( ‘Real fireworks' are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in FLORIDA, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.
-
Similar joke: Italian soldiers learning to throw hand grenades.
-
People who can not express themselves without swearing fucking piss me the hell off!
:autism:
-
Similar joke: Italian soldiers learning to throw hand grenades.
How did the Germans beat the Poles in WWII??
Every time the Poles threw a grenade at the Germans, the Germans would run over to the grenade, pick it up, pull the pin out and throw it back.
-
Similar joke: Italian soldiers learning to throw hand grenades.
Except it's
ah -1ah, ah - 2 ah....
and very visual.
-
Which reminds me of a follow up.
A german colonel was providing training to the Italian army, and explained,
"I wear a Red uniform coat, so that if I am shot, my men won't know, and will still follow me."
The Italian general turned to his aide and said, "Giuseppe, bring me my brown pants."
-
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
And the important moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone.
-
The victors write history and make the jokes.
Good one Tequila.
******************************************
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second. 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'
-
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/50539633_414279346007292_5887712916509032448_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=f5a44b2072a0d3e018ea7c413307f923&oe=5CBCAC59)
-
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second. 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'
This must be from some alternative universe where "confirmed bachelor" doesn't mean "gay".
Actual "confirmed bachelors" are the cleanest people you'd ever meet.
-
Matt Kenseth's car breaks down on the Interstate, so "9:12" eases over onto the shoulder.
He carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two of his pit crew members in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers while another two get out of the back seat and begin checking the car.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Matt's disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says Special K, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "These are my emergency flashers!" replied Matt!
-
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
-
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times, bought the first iPad in the county, owned 2 Chryslers and a Dodge, and I voted for Obama and Trump."
-
:lol1:
-
For odeon:
Checkout Counter
At a grocery checkout counter, my father was sorting through various currencies, searching for US dollars to pay for his purchases.
"Looking at all that foreign money," the cashier said, "I bet you're going overseas."
"I'm an airline pilot," Dad explained. "I frequently fly to the Orient."
"Oooo, a pilot! That must be exciting!"
"Not if you do it right," replied my father."
-
Again, it does not matter which side you are on, this is some funny stuff.
Last Tuesday President Trump got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not just regular pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. As an olive branch effort I got one for Senator Schumer, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,"Sounds like an excellent trade, sir."
-
On a church sign:
Salvation Guaranteed
Or Your Sins Cheerfully Refunded
-
Again, it does not matter which side you are on, this is some funny stuff.
Last Tuesday President Trump got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not just regular pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. As an olive branch effort I got one for Senator Schumer, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,"Sounds like an excellent trade, sir."
Any ideas on what we could get in exchange for Trump?
-
Again, it does not matter which side you are on, this is some funny stuff.
Last Tuesday President Trump got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not just regular pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. As an olive branch effort I got one for Senator Schumer, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,"Sounds like an excellent trade, sir."
Any ideas on what we could get in exchange for Trump?
I do not know, but if we could trade for an Orangutan, all we would need to do is comb over his hair into a tornado, put on a dark jacket and a power tie and no one would know.
:lol1:
-
Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 45 ACP in the glove box. And, I've got a .380 Ruger in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you so afraid of...?"
"Not one damn thing..."
-
At this time of "Teh season" I get that this shit is too late to be interesting to some, but not to me. I just found this. I think that anyone with a brain can appreciate this .
Christmas Carols for the disturbed
1. Schizophrenia--- Do I Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder--- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia---I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic---Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic---Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid--- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder---You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder--- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells......
-
Since it seems to be the soup de jour, I will try to be more political as to future posts.
-
I especially identify with 9.
Post them all, DirtDawg! They're pretty funny.
-
I especially identify with 9.
Post them all, DirtDawg! They're pretty funny.
I am glad you found the humor.
Number nine and number one were the ones that seemed to grab me.
I will post more even if they are not so political.
I love funny more than hating, so if I post something political that offends some here, it was meant to be funny.
-
+
I, for one, needed the laugh.
-
OK, one more and then I have to get serious about locking down flight times for tomorrow.
President Trump was out for his morning stroll one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were
fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered
the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World &
Trump said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan
shoes. Trump said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael
Jordan sign them.'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a
built in TV and stereo headset.'
President Trump was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you
don't look like you're handicapped.
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning.'
-
(https://pics.ballmemes.com/the-biggest-stepinany-lrelationshipisnt-the-first-kiss-its-the-first-6814106.png)
-
Signs That You're Drinking Too Much Coffee;
* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet
away without using the timer.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before realizing it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You ride an exercise bike to work.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
-
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
-
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
:rofl:
-
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
:rofl:
What he said.
-
It's so cold outside I can't feel any of my four cheeks. :moon:
-
One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!”
Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.
“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.
“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”
“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
-
Some new, different, amusing and perhaps quirky English collective nouns, hopefully, this list of collective nouns will make you smile!
A jam of tarts
A sentence of judges
A load of cobblers
An expectation of midwives
An annoyance of neighbours
A melody of violinists
An impatience of wives
A conflagration of arsonists
An illusion of magicians
A horde of misers
An exaggeration of fishermen
A yearning of yesterdays
A ponder of philosophers
A nucleus of physicists
A portfolio of stockbrokers
A flush of plumbers
A corps of anatomists
A bodge of DIYers
A scoop of journalists
A decanter of publicans
-
It's so cold outside I can't feel any of my four cheeks. :moon:
Got it.
If you find a nipple in the ice somewhere, I want it back. Mine just popped off when I bumped into the car door.
-
A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a bit
lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when
you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad
for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the
photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long
wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the
phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it
now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in
your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'
It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.
-
In a fifth grade classroom, the teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Now who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult ... who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Johnny's was the only hand in the air and he said; 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Johnny isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Japs,'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little s.o.b. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh SHIT now we're REALLY screwed!'
Little Johnny said quietly, 'the American people, November 4, 2016.'
-
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't really affected my brothers much though."
-
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, canyou tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right a ways. You'll see it."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy slapped his leg, laughing and replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on, now, Mr. ... Who you kiddin'? You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
-
It's so cold outside I can't feel any of my four cheeks. :moon:
Got it.
If you find a nipple in the ice somewhere, I want it back. Mine just popped off when I bumped into the car door.
it would help if you didn't drive nude in chilly weather
-
Dirtdawg :worship:
-
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!
-
Super Bowl joke
The Chicago Bears took the field for their first play-off practice.
Not long after the practice started a Bear offensive player noticed a white, powdery substance on the field. Practice was immediately stopped and experts were called in to examine the substance. With recent scares about anthrax, officials worried that terrorists had somehow gained access to the field.
A group of nervous Chicago players stood and watched as the substance was examined.
Finally the tests were completed and the experts revealed that the powder was just the chalk dust from the goal line. It was an understandable mistake considering the Bears' offense seldom got near that area of the field.
-
True story:
One morning my aunty (as a little kid) was playing outside while there was a construction site next door. My mum walked by, she was on her way to work. One of the workmen said to my aunty, "Phwoah, she's all right, how old is she?"
My aunty replied, "Well she goes to work, so she must be at least a hundred!"
-
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."
-
A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.
Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it.
The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ".
The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Everybody is astonished and ask him how did he do it?
He said when he saw the message on the window he immediate knew his position; he realized the tall building was Microsoft because their answers are always technically correct but completely useless.
-
A man was driving into town and he fell in a big ditch in the middle of the road. A farmer came up and said, “My horse Sebastian can pull you out,” the man said ok and the farmer got Sebastian. When Sebastian was hooked up, the farmer said, “Pull Ranger! C’mon Benny! Lets go Delilah!!!!” Then the farmer said, “Pull Sebastian, pull!” When the car was out of the ditch, the man said, “I have a question, why did you say the wrong name three times?” And the farmer said, “Because Sebastian is blind, if he knew the other horses weren’t pulling, he wouldn’t even try…”
-
A guy goes to a hooker and asks her about her rates.
"Well", she says, "basic service is $25. The 'Pink Panther' is $50. And if you want something really special, I can do you 'The Penguin' for $100."
"Hmmm, that sounds interesting", says the guy, "Allright, I'll go for 'The Penguin' ".
The hooker loosens his belt and pulls his jeans down to his knees.
"Money first", she says, and he brings out his wallet.
The hooker takes his money and just walks away.
The guy runs after her with his pants down. "Hey! where are you going?"
-
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks, "What for?"
She says, "I want to kill my husband."
He says, "Sorry. I can't do that."
She reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
-
A kid walks into a brothel and says "I want a hooker with VD".
The madam asks why.
The boy says "so I can give it to the lady next door, she'll give it to her husband, he'll give it to my mum and she'll give it to the milkman. And that's the bastard who ran over my bike".
-
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back, "said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
-
Argon walks into a bar and orders a beer. the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve noble gasses in here" argon doesn't respond.
-
Life is all about ass.
You're either covering
it,
laughing it off
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
behaving like one,
or you live with one!!!
-
You left wiping and medicating off. :P
-
Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.
They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.
The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.
The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."
"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Mary Katherine from the convent."
-
One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," Jim said.
That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
-
The rabbi dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the Sabbath day.
There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."
Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."
Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."
-
The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
-
"If three people have sex, it's called a threesome. If two people have sex, it's called a twosome. What I do not understand is why people see me and call me handsome."
:zombiefuck:
-
"If three people have sex, it's called a threesome. If two people have sex, it's called a twosome. What I do not understand is why people see me and call me handsome."
:zombiefuck:
May I steal that for my facebook joke?
-
"If three people have sex, it's called a threesome. If two people have sex, it's called a twosome. What I do not understand is why people see me and call me handsome."
:zombiefuck:
:rofl:
-
"If three people have sex, it's called a threesome. If two people have sex, it's called a twosome. What I do not understand is why people see me and call me handsome."
:zombiefuck:
May I steal that for my facebook joke?
Yes you may, with my compliments.
-
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'
After a pause, the doctor confessed....
'Of course I have, but never with a carnation.'
-
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship."How do you feel about sex ?" he asked, rather
tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman
sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and
whispered - "Is that one word or two ?"
-
I will try another
-
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'
After a pause, the doctor confessed....
'Of course I have, but never with a carnation.'
In the 1960's movie, Carry On Nurse, they used a tulip. Thanks for bringing back that memory.
-
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 90 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they wanted to have a look at the baby, the 90 year old mother says, “Not yet.”
A little later, they ask to see the baby again. Again, the mother says, “Not yet.”
Finally, they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
So, they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “I forgot where I put it!”
-
Two for Tuesday?
I have a really good fashion sense but i'm just too poor to prove it
There is a thin line between looking indie and looking homeless.
-
Q: Why was the fly dancing on the top of the Pepsi bottle?
A: Because it said "Twist to open."
-
Sorry, but this kind of goes along with recent politics and such ......
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
-
Back to fun:
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
Then He made the earth round...and laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
-
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
“Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”
“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”
“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!”
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”
“He said the reflector is broken.”
“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”
“I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…”
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I know' a bit late for a Christmas joke, but this shit is funny.
With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well this past weekend I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
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"Alexa, please clean my daughter's room."
*Device responds and begin to vibrate*
*device begins rattle around and almost falls off the table*
*device begins to smoke*
*device emits massive amounts of smoke and explodes*
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What's a mouse's least favorite record? What's New Pussycat!
Why was the mouse afraid of the water? Catfish.
What kind of car does a mouse drive? A Minnie van.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower? Squeaky clean.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police? A gerbil shepherd dog!
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I would never wish death upon someone who has wronged me. Instead, I'll go with sudden, explosive, painfully gassy diarrhea while stuck in rush hour traffic wearing their best suit and a case of violent sneezes with no Kleenexes anywhere.
:mischief:
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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
-
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally
slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day!" I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt
still around her neck.
Happy, but a bit puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She
explained, "The egg timer is broken."
-
Random thoughts of an aging patron:
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things. I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".
I'm just very wise. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad!!!
-
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each.
So the first fisherman said: “Double my I.Q.” so the mermaid did it and to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.
Then the second fisherman said: “Triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn’t know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said “Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!”
The fisherman said “Yes” so the mermaid turned him into a woman…
-
Q: Why don’t fish play tennis?
A: Because they're afraid of the net.
-
One of President George W Bush's advisers entered the Oval Office and said "Mr President, we just got word that 6 Brazilian soldiers on a UN peacekeeping mission have been killed".
The President let out a cry and buried his face in his hands, saying "oh no, how could this have happened, this is terrible news, what are we going to do".
After several minutes the President looked up at the adviser and asked "how many is a brazillion?".
-
Little Johnny:
They no longer teach us how to write in cursive. If I do not know cursive, how the hell am supposed to know how to write my girlfriend's name in the snow?
I am waiting and holding. It is starting to hurt.
-
An old cowboy walked into a barber shop, with a scraggly grey beard. His skin was browned and heavily wrinkled from years of exposure to the elements.
He told the barber "I'd like a shave please, but I don't know how you're gonna manage it with my skin so wrinkled".
The barber opened a drawer and pulled out a wooden ball, popped it into the old cowboy's mouth, and told him to hold it in his right cheek. The ball stretched the skin and smoothed out the wrinkles, and the barber gave him a smooth shave. He then repeated the process on the left side.
The old cowboy admired his clean shaven face in the mirror as he handed the wooden ball back to the barber and, as an afterthought, he asked the barber "so what would happen if I accidentally swallowed the ball?".
The barber replied "no problems, if you swallow the ball you can just bring it back a couple of days later like everyone else does".
-
Haha
-
:plus:
-
:plus:
Philosophical dilemma abound, still.
:orly:
-
My grandmother was famous for stating that she was nearly killed by a falling Insanitary bomb during the war ( instead of an Incendiary bomb).
I once worked with a ward sister who told me off for rushing a dressing with the words "Patience is a virgin"
-
Hostility:
-
One day, some friars open up a flower shop
Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse to budge.
With no other options, the other florists enlist the help of the meanest man in town - a thug named Hugh. The florists pay him to storm into the friars’ shop, wreck it with a baseball bat and warn the friars that he’ll be back if they don’t shut down their operation. With their lives at stake, the terrified friars comply.
The moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
-
Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
A. “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”
-
That master detective, Sherlock Holmes, was sitting on his chair beside the fireplace calmly reading a book when suddenly, his good partner, Dr. Watson came in. Sherlock Holmes looked at his friend and smiled, saying, "Why, Dr. Watson, don't you think the weather is a bit hot for you to be wearing your red flannel underwear?"
Dr. Watson was shocked by this incredible and wonderful logic. "My good man," he gasped, "How did you know I was wearing my red flannel underwear?" Holmes smiled wider and put down his book. He explained, "Elementary, my dear Watson. You forgot to put your pants on."
-
Q: Which Hollywood cowboy could always start a campfire?
A: Flint Eastwood
Q: What was the cowboy’s reply when he was accused of passing gas in the stage coach?
A: Darn Tootin’
Q: What’s the first cowboy rule of filling up a canteen?
A: Always go upstream from the herd.
-
The Top 10 Rejected Campbell's Soup Varieties:
10. Dan Quayle's Harty Potatoe Soop
9. Exorcist Split Pea Soup
8. Matzoh Ball, Ham 'n' Hebrew Alphabet Noodles
7. Wonderbroth!
6. Manhattan Phlegm Chowder
5. Hearty Booger Bonanza
4. Stars 'n' Swastikas
3. Porn Chowder
2. Pigeon 'n' Carp flavored Cup-O-Gruel
... and the Number 1 Rejected Campbell's Soup Variety:
1. Chunky Liver with Fava Beans
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A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age." His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said. "Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"
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I have a really good fashion sense but i'm just too poor to prove it,
There is a thin line between looking indie and looking homeless.
My yoga pants have never been to yoga.
My favourite way to dress is in all black. My fashion sense is second to nun. (Personal note - I wear lace up trainers, usually black. I've called the style, "Sister Mary Elephant shoes.")
-
How many members of the infamous Harry Potter Trio does it take to light a wand?
All three of them. Harry to light the wand, Ron to be jealous of his wand-lighting ability, and Hermione to give the complete history of wands and the 'Lumos' spell.
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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"
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Jim and his wife were working in the garden when she got stung by a bee on her forehead. She was rushed to the emergency room with a swollen face and could hardly breathe. Jim said he was glad it wasn't worse and that she was lucky that he killed the bee with a shovel before it could bite her again.
-
Bees can only sting once. :junkie:
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How does a male lightning bolt feel when he notices an attractive female lightning bolt?
Thunderstruck
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Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium,, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
-
:laugh:
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It was a cold dark evening in February in the city. It was raining heavily and the roads were covered in water. George was leaving his office after work when he noticed a poor old man. The man was standing next to a puddle in the road. He was wearing long rubber fishing boots and he was holding a stick with a piece of string. The string was hanging in the puddle. George asked the old man what he was doing and the man replied that he was fishing. ‘Poor guy!’, George thought. The old man was obviously going crazy. George felt sorry for the old man, and he was getting very wet, standing outside in the rain, so he decided to invite the old man to have a drink with him in a nearby bar.
George ordered a drink for himself and bought one for the old man. The old man was smiling happily as he was drinking. While they were finishing their drinks, George tried to start a conversation. He turned to the old man and asked,
'So is the fishing good today?'
‘Not bad today, thanks.’ replied the old man.
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
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Cop: "We're going to have to give you a drug test."
Me: "Cool, which drugs are we testing?"
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"A Korean man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 200,000 Korean won and walked out with $200. The following week, he walked in with another 200,000 Korean won, and was handed $185.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Korean man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!""
-
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
-
The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
-
:lol1:
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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
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They just wanted to get plowed.
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In today's day and age why do we still have such double standards for men and women??
For example, if two women coworkers are talking to each other and one says "I went through half a box of tissues watching that movie last night", that's perfectly acceptable, but when a guy says the same thing, he has to go see HR for disciplinary action?? :dunno:
Such blatant sexism. :hitler:
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You're not completely useless.
You could always serve as a bad example.
-
An architect, artist, and engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with their wives or mistresses. The architect said, "I like spending time with my wife building a firm foundation of a marriage." The artist said, "I enjoy the time I spend with my mistress because of all the passion and energy." The engineer said "I enjoy both. If you have a wife and a mistress, both women think you are with the other so you can go to work get more done."
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What did the elephant say to a naked man?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
-
Two radio antennas got married. The wedding was okay, but the reception was awesome.
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So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember.
-
How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one.
-
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose.
-
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose.
Thanks QV. I'm going to tell this one at work. :]
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Today's Gardening Fact: God makes rainy days so that gardeners can get their housework done.
Gardener's lament - If only I could grow green stuff outside like I can in my refrigerator.
-
I don't know about you, but need a break from the riveting and spirited discussions about politics and personalities. So I'm resurrecting the daily humour. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE ANY CLEAN HUMOUR.
A Cyclone blew across the Pacific Ocean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Smythe on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree. "Dr. Smythe, Dr. Smythe, how can you be so calm?" cried Marcus. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Marcus." began the confident Dr. Smythe. "Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars." stated Dr. Smythe.
"So what?" shouted Marcus.
"Well, it's time for their annual fundraising drives, and I know they're going to find me!" smiled Dr. Smythe.
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I may have told this one before...
What do you call a snake on a car?
A windshield viper.
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rubbish joke, QV, but you're right , we need the rubbish jokes :plus:
-
I may have told this one before...
What do you call a snake on a car?
:clap:
A windshield viper.
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rubbish joke, QV, but you're right , we need the rubbish jokes :plus:
Clean jokes that aren't rubbish and haven't been told 100 times are hard to find.
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A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours.
A neighbour called his owner and asked what was happening.
The owner said, 'Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around cancelling all his engagements.
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The swing doors of the Wild West saloon crashed open and in came Little Pete, black with fury.
"All right!" he raged, "all right! Who did it? What gol-darned varmint painted my horse blue?"
The huge figure of Black Jake, notorious gunfighter and town baddie rose from a chair by the door.
"It was me, shrimp," he drawled, bunching his gigantic fists, "what about it?"
"Oh, well, er," stammered little Pete wretchedly, "all I wanted to say was when are you going to give it another coat?"
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How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just 1.
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*groan *
:)
-
*groan *
:)
Yeah, I was kind of in a hurry.
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Not a laugh, but more of a chuckle:
First cave man to 2nd cave man: “I don’t care what you say. We never had such unusual weather before they started using bows and arrows.”
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A man lay dying and he began to yell out, "I need a priest, I need a priest!"
Another man came along and asked what was wrong.
The dying man said, "I need a priest to give me last rites, I'm dying," the man said.
"There are no priests around here, but maybe I can help." I'm not a religious person myself, but I have lived next to the Catholic Church my whole life and I hear their ritual all the time. I think that I can say it for you."
The dying man said, "Thank You."
So the helpful man leaned close to the dying man and in a soft voice repeated the ritual as he has heard it so many times:
"B-6, N-33, G-52, I-24, ... Bingo.”
-
:lol1:
-
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her as an altar boy.
(I'm not sure if that qualifies for this thread).
-
:lol1:
The "clean" part is questionable.
-
Paddy says to Mike: "How'd you get on at that faith healing group last night?"
Mike replied: "That faith healer was absolutely shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!".
-
:clap:
Paddy says to Mike: "How'd you get on at that faith healing group last night?"
Mike replied: "That faith healer was absolutely shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!".
:clap:
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Some philosophical humour:
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
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Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: “double my I.Q” so the mermaid did it and to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.
Then the second fisherman said: “triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn’t know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said “Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!”
The fisherman said “yes” so the mermaid turned him into a woman…
-
When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.
The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”
-
At my wedding the officiant said,
"If anyone finds reason these two should not be wed, now is not the time.
You've had years.
But find me after the ceremony. I love gossip."
-
A man was getting some tests done and they had to anesthetize him.
When he came around he asked the nurse "Are my testicles black?" She pulled the sheet back and lifted his member and looked all around and said "No they look fine."
He replied "Well that felt wonderful and I really enjoyed it, but are my TEST RESULTS BACK???"
-
What did the overweight ballet dancer perform ?
The dance of the sugar plump fairy !
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A newly-ordained pastor, in the first days of his first call, was attempting to console the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket, the nervous young pastor said, “I realize this must be a very hard blow for you, Mrs. Svenson. Just try to remember that what we see before us is only the husk, the shell of your dear husband–the nut has gone to heaven.”
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A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son answered" "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck." "But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, should we eat them here or take them with us?" "I guess I just panicked"."
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I've been studying all my life but I only managed to learn 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know wh'y...
-
I've been studying all my life but I only managed to learn 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know wh'y...
It took a minute for the penny to drop.
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I've been studying all my life but I only managed to learn 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know wh'y...
Good one sg.
-
Do you ever wonder if clouds look down and say, "That one looks like an idiot"?
-
Q: What did Chief Shortcake’s wife say when Chief Shortcake died?
A: Squaw bury shortcake!
-
A koala is sitting up a Eucalyptus tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the Eucalyptus tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the Eucalyptus tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "WTFFFF dude ... how much water did you drink?
-
A grizzled old trucker was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first biker walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
A moment later the second biker walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.
The third biker walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, that old coot, he was not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles and drove off."
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Two senior citizens in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking ... and one asks the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?" The other one turns and says "That's easy, can you see Florida?"
-
The Reverend Lewis was completing a temperance sermon and with great expression he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he added, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'
Finally, the Reverend Lewis said, 'And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'
He sat down.
The Curate, Roger Marples, then stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, 'For our closing hymn let's sing number 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
-
^ *chuckle * :plus:
-
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.””
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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^ :lol1:
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"..ooh!
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While Queen Victoria lay dying, a member of the royal household mused to Edward, Prince of Wales, "I wonder if she will be happy in heaven?"
Edward matter-of-factly replied, "I don't know. She will have to walk behind the angels--and she won't like that!"
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A wife took her husband to the company picnic and started berating him. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
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When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route.
When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. The the guy's amazement, When the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear.
Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.
Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
(Feel free to substitute your favorite politician for the Pope,)
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The summer holiday was over and young Jack returned to Wicor school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.
'Wait a minute,' mother said. 'I had Jack with me for six weeks and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
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The elementary school cook prided herself on the healthy meals she provided with lots of vegetables and fruits. When the power failed one day, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last, a home-cooked meal!"
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Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work.
One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.
We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.
In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'
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Actually happened.
Conversation with The PR just now.
"Mom, I was dizzy last night and almost fell down. Maybe I shouldn't go bowling today."
"Okay, it's probably better that you skip today."
"Well, it's not like it's fatal."
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The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch."
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Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.
The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.
After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.
After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait.
So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks are?
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Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”
“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”
“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”
(HMOs are insurance plans that have a lower cost to the insured for doctor visits, hospital stays, prescriptions, etc. They are infamous for short hospital stays.)
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This miserable-looking guy is sat at a bar one evening, just staring at his drink. He's been like that for half-an-hour now.
Suddenly this big, trouble-making truck driver walks up to him, takes the guy's drink from the bar, and drinks it all down in one gulp. The sad guy starts to cry.
The truck driver is a bit off-put by this and says to him, "Come on man, I was only joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."
The sad guy sobs, "No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep after the alarm has gone off and I'm late for work and my boss fires me. Then when I leave the office, my car's been stolen. The cops said there's nothing they can do. So I have to get a cab home. After it drives off I realize I've left my wallet and credit cards in it. So I walk into my house only to find my wife in bed with the gardener. I walk right out and come straight here. And, just when I'm thinking about ending my miserable life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Queen Elizabeth was hosting Charles de Gaulle- and his wife Madame Yvonne De Gaulle at Buckingham Palace back in April 1960.
A guest asked Madame de Gaulle what she was most looking forward to in her retirement, which was imminent..
With great elaboration (as she didn't speak much English) she replied: 'A penis.'
'n awkward silence ensued for some time, until the Queen herself came to the rescue, and she said with a broad grin: "Ah, happiness."
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Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
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So Thor, the God of Thunder, is sitting on his cloud on Asgard when he suddenly wants to visit the humans. He jumps on his magical flying horse and rides down to them. When he gets there he proclaims, "I AM THOR!" to which his horse replies, "Well, that's because you forgot your thaddle thilly."
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ”Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, ”Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child?
A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, ”My wife’s first husband.”
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A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying "I need 45 gallons of milk. " He knocked on the door and a beautiful dumb blond answered it.
"Is this a mistake?" the milkman asked.
"No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac."
"Really," replied the milkman. "Do you want that pasteurized?"
"No, up to my breasts would be fine," she said.
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There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
“What happened on June 6, 1944?”
“We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!”
“What was the turning point of world war 2?”
“Battle of the bulge, sir!”
“What’s is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought “I don’t know, sir!”
The superior then said “Well, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.”
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An officer came up to me and asked, "Where were you between 4 and 6?"
I responded, "Kindergarten."
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There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
“What happened on June 6, 1944?”
“We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!”
“What was the turning point of world war 2?”
“Battle of the bulge, sir!”
“What’s is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought “I don’t know, sir!”
The superior then said “Well, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.”
:lol1:
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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, ”I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.” He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. ”And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly. ”The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. ”I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”
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Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!
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New Year's Resolutions for your dog
1) I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
2) I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.
3) I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am haemorrhaging.
4) I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
5) I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.
Cats don't make resolutions. They're perfect.
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My dog barks at your list. :P
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Q: How do you scare a snowman?
A: Pull out a hairdryer.
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My dog barks at your list. :P
If I had a basenji he'd chortle at your dog. :eyelash:
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Welcome back.
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Q: What is the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
A: One wags a tail, the other tags a whale.
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Welcome back.
Thanks. Life has been rougher than I'd like, but I kinda missed this circus.
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My dog barks at your list. :P
If I had a basenji he'd chortle at your dog. :eyelash:
Most of them do. :laugh:
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
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Jamie- God how long is a million years to you?
God- it is but a second Jamie.
Jamie- God how much is a million dollars to you?
God- it is but a penny to me
Jamie- God can I have a penny
God- just a second.
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A man want's his wife killed so he calls a hit man named Artie. Artie is an old friend of the man and he agrees to kill the man's wife for just one dollar.
So Artie follows the man's wife to Farmer Jacks Grocery store and sees the man's wife. He gets out of his cars and as the man's wife is getting out of her car he goes up to her and chokes her. A guy that worked at the grocery store saw what Artie did and Artie had to go over and choke him too. Then a elderly lady seen what happened and Artie had to choke her too. Again another person seen what was going on and Artie had to choke that person too. Finally the Police came and arrested Artie. The next day on the front page of News
Paper the Headline said' Artie chokes four for a dollar at Farmer Jacks.'
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We have a Farmer Jack's grocery store here, about a 10 minute drive from where I live. I wonder where the joke came from.
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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my.. ah... Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires...'
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We have a Farmer Jack's grocery store here, about a 10 minute drive from where I live. I wonder where the joke came from.
Inquiring minds want to know.
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What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
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I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!
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What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
*groan*
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My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
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What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
*groan*
I bet you were rushing to make that post.
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What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
*groan*
I bet you were rushing to make that post.
I wanted to putin the effort.
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You win the Red Star.
What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
*groan*
I bet you were rushing to make that post.
I wanted to putin the effort.
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A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?' Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man, 'answers the priest.' I'll be damned, 'the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologises.' I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?'
'Oh, I don't have it, Father. But it says here that the Pope does.'
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A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reaches behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight. Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus. She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner." The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
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I reached back into my Victorian newspapers and came up with this:
If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven't got a notion.
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DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
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DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
I've managed to tell this joke successfully twice.
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DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
I've managed to tell this joke successfully twice.
:lol1: :lol1:
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At a weekend convention of biological scientists, Hannah, a researcher remarks to Pam, 'Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?''Really?' Pam replies, 'Why did you switch?''Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them,' chortled Hannah.
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What's another pun among comrades?
You win the Red Star.
What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
*groan*
I bet you were rushing to make that post.
I wanted to putin the effort.
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Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished.
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Punishment
What's another pun among comrades?
You win the Red Star.
What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
*groan*
I bet you were rushing to make that post.
I wanted to putin the effort.
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I'll be the only one left when the revolution comes. :zoinks:
Punishment
What's another pun among comrades?
You win the Red Star.
What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
*groan*
I bet you were rushing to make that post.
I wanted to putin the effort.
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You'll be like a LP record revolving around and around.
I'll be the only one left when the revolution comes. :zoinks:
Punishment
What's another pun among comrades?
You win the Red Star.
What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
*groan*
I bet you were rushing to make that post.
I wanted to putin the effort.
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An oldie, but a good one.
There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890s whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.
But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
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Is that the same as being a spin doctor?
You'll be like a LP record revolving around and around.
I'll be the only one left when the revolution comes. :zoinks:
Punishment
What's another pun among comrades?
You win the Red Star.
What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
*groan*
I bet you were rushing to make that post.
I wanted to putin the effort.
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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
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You win. Your prize is a knitted meatball with crochet spaghetti
Is that the same as being a spin doctor?
You'll be like a LP record revolving around and around.
I'll be the only one left when the revolution comes. :zoinks:
Punishment
What's another pun among comrades?
You win the Red Star.
What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.
*groan*
I bet you were rushing to make that post.
I wanted to putin the effort.
-
Books to the ceiling,
Books to the sky,
My pile of books is a mile high.
How I love them!
How I need them!
I'll have a long beard by the time I read them.
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Game Show Gaffes
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ' J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: In olden times,! what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
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Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.
He didn’t return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.
"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I’m locked out of the house."
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Have you heard that Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce?
Yes, it's very sad, but Mickey went to see a divorce lawyer and explained what was
going on and why he wanted a divorce. The attorney was shocked and told Mickey
that he would have to do some checking and for Mickey to come back in a week.
The following week Mickey showed up and the attorney told him, "I've been
investigating your allegations and I don't think that you can prove that
Minnie is crazy."
"Crazy?" Mickey asked. "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
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A wee bit old, but still funny.
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
-
Doctor: When did you last have a stress test?
Me: Well, I went to work last night!
-
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
:lol1:
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Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me."
The girl said, "No!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
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^^^ Story of my life right there! :lol1:
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and such a good thing it is.
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Good on him!
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A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.
The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.
"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"
"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.
"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"
"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"
"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."
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Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?
Bunch of dictators.
-
A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours. A neighbour called his owner and asked what was happening.
The owner said, 'Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around cancelling all his engagements.'
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100 percent record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI insurance to the new recruits. And then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.”
“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
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While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class.
The next day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the class.
The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah."
The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."
The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."
The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."
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Two Canadian hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
-
While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class.
The next day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the class.
The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah."
The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."
The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."
The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."
I had to google "baptist casserole" to figure that one out.
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I had to google "baptist casserole" to figure that one out.
It could have just as easily been a catholic with a bingo card.
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While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class.
The next day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the class.
The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah."
The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."
The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."
The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."
I had to google "baptist casserole" to figure that one out.
My childhood friend is from a Catholic family. She was the oldest of 9. After we left Houston we lost touch. But we found out from neighbors that her Mom left the Catholic Church, cut her gorgeous past-her-butt hair and joined the Baptists. She would bring several casserole to the functions because she had so many kids. Side note- the Dad left his corporate job to teach inmates in the Harris County jails. No word on how he felt about the conversion of the family.
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For Odeon
The owner of the local cinema died today
His funeral is on:
Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00
Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30
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:lol1:
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A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening.
As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M.
he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks.
“My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
“Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy…”
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I had to google "baptist casserole" to figure that one out.
It could have just as easily been a catholic with a bingo card.
:autism:
You better stop this before I am forced to smile!
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The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
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If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.
These are real requests fielded by an American travel agent.
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
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A little old lady went to the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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Not so clean, but I thought of odeon.
A plane takes off from Kennedy airport...
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom "ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop service from New York to LA. The weather ahead is calm so it should be a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back and enjoy-OH MY GOD!".
Silence followed that and after a few minutes the captain came back on and said "ladies and gentlemen I am so sorry if i scared you earlier, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and accidentally spilt it on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
At that point a passenger in coach yelled "That's nothing, you should see the back of mine!"
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CAPTAIN SMITHERS
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head - a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of.............................." Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go fuck herself."
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Little Emily was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"
Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."
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Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
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One cold and dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. I will give $100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. Finally, a distant, lone siren was heard and a run-down old fire truck came into sight. It was from a rural fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on camera, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!
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One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzips her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way.
Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”
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A chicken and an egg are laying in bed.
The chicken is stretched back smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile across his face.
The egg is frowning and looking extremely frustrated.
The egg says, "Guess we answered that question."
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Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Sheila to stand and unbutton her blouse, he embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, nuzzled her nipples till they stood erect and kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow. Her face was deeply flushed and she panted softly. Sheila shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Barry thought for a moment and replied; "Well, I can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' Can you pick her up?"
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Walking through the hallways at our middle school, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”
Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?”
He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”
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Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow
by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby,
Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of of celebration activities,
there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow.
While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy
aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother
Russia." "And who is your father?" asks Gorbachev. The boy answers,
"Why, it's you Uncle Gorbachev!" Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and
what do you want to be when you grow up?" The boy proudly replies,
"a good communist!"
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very
impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to
[East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation,
Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration
includes a parade.
Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene:
He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child
replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic-East Germany]." "And
who is your father?" asks Honnecker. "Why, it's you Uncle Honnecker!"
replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies, "an orphan."
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^I remember a few variations on that one.
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It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a total fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink, and water without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people point and laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a fair distance."
Then, the hen spoke up. "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."
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I was watching an Australian cooking show where the chef cooked some meringue. When he was done the audience clapped. This struck me as kinda odd because I was under the impression that Australians usually boo meringue.
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I love meringue. Crap, now I have a craving for it.
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My son is a man trapped in a woman's body. He'll be born in March.
(No offense to ANY sexual orientation.)