Before you climb up my ass, with a list of questions ...

[punkdrew]

In my case, it's illness (she has MS and OCD) which partly keeps us together. And we both recognize that we've been together too much lately and that I need time off. I'm working on scheduing that.

Honestly, though, there have been times where if she was capable of living independently (as she has in the past), I would have left. A good friend asked me recently, "Would you be all right by yourself?" And my instant answer was "Yes."

Do I love her? Sometimes. And sometimes I really hate her.

[DirtDawg]

I moved this here, Alex, because it was in PMS Elle's "problems"  thread and it does not belong there.

Ha.  Wow.  As of now I'm apparently single.  I can start actually looking to get laid now, then.

I seem to be in the same boat. My marriage is apparently dissolving before my eyes.

I'm not a decent wanker/vulture, though. It doesn't work for me any more than tickling myself cheers me up when I'm down.
I may need to become an eagle/hunter, once again.

That is terrible.    Don't you have a child with your wife?    Since it is a marriage there will be lawyers involved too.   Ugh, I hate lawyers.

I have two autistic children with this woman. I am not going to give up at this point ... even considering  how much I would like to get laid again - NOW!.

i am focused on trying to resolve what ever the fuck is wrong. She is not my enemy - she is my best friend and has been for many years. The fact that we have lost the ability to communicate is symptomatic of marriages in our age group, whether we are talking about couples with kids the ages of ours (we are both late bloomers) or couples who have been married for as long as we have (almost seventeen years, now, with home mortgage, bills out the wazoo, changes in our respective personalities, many deaths shared in the collective family, stresses we could never have imagined ... etc.)

This past year has put a number of exterior strains on our relationship. A great deal of it has to do with the fact that I've just recently discovered that I have two other grown son's by two other women from the far past, before I even met her.

There are other things, too. None of it has to do with anything I can control. THAT part is what has me in a fucking tizzy (as my grandmother used to say). No matter what I try to do, it makes no difference, it seems.

Damn you have two kids with her (which is what I thought, but didn't want to assume).   It sounds like that she doesn't want to understand your side of things, and no matter what you do or say you will end up being wrong.    That sounds typical of broken up marriages these days, as both have to be willing to compromise.    What do I know anyways?   I haven't been in a relationship that lasted more than 2 years myself lol.    These two sons are from your past, and you can't go back and change your past.   If you didn't know about them fully, then how could you be expected to inform her about them?

In order to be fair to her, things have turned around a bit lately. We are at least talking about the possibility of staying together, in the last few days.


I have more than a small hope, now.

Good thoughts and best wishes heading your way!

Thanks, Ozy. Every bit helps.

 

[DirtDawg]

In my case, it's illness (she has MS and OCD) which partly keeps us together. And we both recognize that we've been together too much lately and that I need time off. I'm working on scheduing that.

Honestly, though, there have been times where if she was capable of living independently (as she has in the past), I would have left. A good friend asked me recently, "Would you be all right by yourself?" And my instant answer was "Yes."

Do I love her? Sometimes. And sometimes I really hate her.

I'm sorry, Wandrew. I had no idea.

About three years ago, I lost a true friend to MS. Most of the time you did not know anything was wrong with him, but sometimes he awoke in the intensive care ward of the hospital. One time he didn't.

This can certainly add deciding factors to a discussion of making a change, even if your own self is dying a little along the way. My instant answer would also be a resounding, "Yes,"  but for the two young kids we have together.
I know that sounds lame as fuck to some people, but once you have known, cared for and loved a child, a person changes, irreversibly. I have no intention of being without them, as long as we live.

One of the conditions of my wife and I staying together is that I am free to attempt to maintain some semblance of a relationship with the "other two,"  who I have missed out knowing all these years. It will never be a close relationship, but the impact of meeting the oldest face to face (twice, now) will have a lasting effect on me and I think it may on him as well. I must try to explore this.

The younger of the two (still, a grown man), I have only talked on the phone with, but last December, I was still not sure that he was my son and it had been years since I had any "non-corrosive" conversations with his mother. I bit holes in my tongue to "be nice" to his mother and forced this subject through. She seems to be most regretful for her past actions, but she is also bi-polar, so Things Could Change, rather quickly. He is grown, though and he knows about his mother. It may still work out.

My current wife still insists that I have DNA testing done, but if you saw these men - it would be as obvious that we are related as it is to us.
I may give in to that request, but I have little incentive.

[Pyraxis]

What is the harm of DNA testing?

[DirtDawg]

What is the harm of DNA testing?

None, really, but it doesn't feel right, at this time, for me to ask that of either of them, since they both have already accepted me. It is my wife's insistence, not either of theirs. I would not hesitate if I was asked by either one of them, though. Honestly there is nothing to lose, either way.
Who knows - nothing may come from any of this, either way.

It was actually quite a bit easier with the younger one, whose mother I was once married to. I suspect she may have "helped" some, after all this time, maybe a change of heart or something. (I know she had a terrible relationship with HER real father and her step-father was much more of a real father to her) I had always wondered, because of the timing of the child's birth, but she had always, vehemently denied the possibility (she was with another man during our last flings) and also kept the child completely away from me (did not bother me at all, but a few years after she was divorced from the other man, she still would not let me meet her young teenage son, FFS. I became suspicious, but really did not care. It just made me hate her that much more, all over again).
I knew she was involved with a dark complected Hispanic man, but I did not know that she had had a pale-faced, red headed baby. Now the young man has light brown hair on his head and a dark auburn beard (sounds familiar). She knew all along!

With the oldest one, the reality came as a complete surprise from out of the forgotten blue yonder.

Goddamn! This is starting to sound like Peyton fucking Place.

[Pyraxis]

LOL, I don't know what Peyton Place is, but I get the gist. It does make sense that asking your sons to test would be a sensitive issue though.

[ozymandias]

LOL, I don't know what Peyton Place is, but I get the gist. It does make sense that asking your sons to test would be a sensitive issue though.

"Peyton Place" was both a racy and controversial novel and prime time soap opera  long before you were born!   

[DirtDawg]

LOL, I don't know what Peyton Place is, but I get the gist. It does make sense that asking your sons to test would be a sensitive issue though.

I understand that it is fairly easy to have DNA testing for paternity done these days and not very costly, either.
Honestly, if it were not for the incredibly powerful "family resemblance" in my own gene pool and the associated histories of those in question, there would be no assumption of lineage, anyway. But, it's just too obvious to deny.

The funny thing is that the DNA testing issue has more to do with my wife's own insecurities than anything, I believe. She is going through some bad times and has sectioned herself from me in many ways.
I think I have her convinced that my intention is NOT to be rid of her, but to mend what ever bridge spans the stream of old blood between us and try to acquaint ourselves once again, in the hopes that we can rekindle what we once found so comforting together. All this new crap has nothing to do with our problems, except to her.
She feels betrayed, I feel pushed away and we're both wrong.




Peyton Place was a smash hit book from the fifties about a small town and the drama of love, inbreeding, sniffing tail and screwing everyone (I've never read it, but that's the rep it has), which was quickly made into a movie and later in the sixties, a prime time, soap opera style television series. I meant it as a cliche.

[DirtDawg]

I see Ozy, the other resident old phart, beat me to the explanation.

[punkdrew]

LOL, I don't know what Peyton Place is, but I get the gist. It does make sense that asking your sons to test would be a sensitive issue though.

"Peyton Place" was both a racy and controversial novel and prime time soap opera  long before you were born!   

Let's all get up and dance to a song that was a hit before your mother was born
Though she was born a long, long time ago
Your mother should know (your mother)
Your mother should know (aaah)

Sing it again...No.

[DirtDawg]

maclen publishing?

How old are you, anyway?

[punkdrew]

Old enough.

OK, OK. 45. For realsies.

[Lucifer]

I see Ozy, the other resident old phart, beat me to the explanation.

only cos i wasn't online. 

[Lucifer]

Old enough.

OK, OK. 45. For realsies.

youngster. 

seriously, it sounds as though you have so many difficult choices to make, on a day to day basis.  cyberhugs for you: i can't imagine what that situation must be like, other than it's a complete mind fuck, a lot of the time. 

[Lucifer]

Yes.

We've had a sort of an in-house separation for about two months. It has been a miserable time.


 

glad to hear things are better, dawg.  i'm not one who subscribes to the "stay together at any cost" school, though, but you know yourself what's best for you, and everyone else.  if not, keep talking, here or wherever, okay?

/more hugs.

Thanks.

You weren't really around through the worst of it. I am also of the cloth who move on, away from gnarls in a relationship. Obviously, the kids are quite a draw to me, though, so I had more plans to make than my own needs. Not fully adequate in the resources department these days, either.
I am the one who "moved out" of the bedroom. I have slept in the garage, in the yard, under the trees, with the birds, on the back deck, on the couch, etc. It's a good thing that I don't really sleep, because I would not have been on time to work, otherwise.

It seems like I talk too much sometimes, especially here. I mostly feel like I'm among "friends" here. Can't really say why.


Realise that it is as Callaway has mentioned - our history together is a long one. We have shared literally a third of her life and over a fourth of mine together. That includes many birthdays, happy times, growth together, many deaths, lots of life, a dozen pets, mistakes, victories, confusion, insights, health and sickness ...
It is not easy to give it all up.

no, it's not easy to give up.  people change, but emotions and that feeling of sticking with what you know don't, and therein lies the rub.

it's always complicated, isn't it?  if i had a magic wand to wave about over you and wandrew (and others), i would.  sadly, there's rarely a quick fix solution.

and you don't talk too much: that's what friends are for, to coin a cliché.