Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 553 times)

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #30 on: January 22, 2018, 04:58:04 PM »
I don't know, how do you get an elephant in a bottle with only a pair of tweezers and binoculars?

A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #31 on: January 22, 2018, 05:04:35 PM »
QV I doubt you want to know the answer to that one.

But ever seen those exotic alcoholic liquids that nobody ever actually drinks or knows the name of without reading the label, that has fully-grown fruit floating in it?

Those are made by dipping a tree-branch inside an empty bottle, after thinning off all the leaves and all but one fruit, allowing it to grow inside the bottle and then pulling away the branch, letting the bottle neck pull the fruit away.

There can be only one answer to that joke, at least, only one concept behind it. Its similar, and almost certainly involves zygotes. The rest is only in the wording.
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

Requiescat in pacem, Wolfish, beloved of Pyraxis.

Offline Jack

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #32 on: January 22, 2018, 05:19:36 PM »
I don't know, how do you get an elephant in a bottle with only a pair of tweezers and binoculars?
The answer is included at the bottom of his post.

Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #33 on: January 22, 2018, 05:58:35 PM »
Bugger, I missed the small type font :P

The joke is on me there. Although wouldn't the backwards magnifying glass risk burning your eyeballs out like an ant being roasted by a shithead kid? (although having my eye burnt is the reason WHY I didn't see the small font probably. But no it didn't happen due to anything involving a magnifying glass)

Vulcan epic fail :P
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

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Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #34 on: January 22, 2018, 07:08:57 PM »
Bugger, I missed the small type font :P



Yeah. I couldn't be arsed testing out if any spoiler code was installed. None of the buttons seemed to embed it.


I mean seriously, I'm gonna want a table or FTP link? Or a mailto? :P

Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #35 on: January 22, 2018, 08:18:45 PM »
Well there is already an email function, for those who have made their email public, its a bit below the gender icon and yay/ghey buttons.

As for a table...depends who is on it, in what position, what gender, how attractive they are and whether or not they are autistic :spazz:
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

Requiescat in pacem, Wolfish, beloved of Pyraxis.

Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #36 on: January 22, 2018, 08:57:59 PM »
I meant the raw HTML mailto - mailto:sendmemail@noreply.edu

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #37 on: January 22, 2018, 09:01:44 PM »
Lesson learned.  Read ALL the post.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Gopher Gary

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #38 on: January 22, 2018, 10:14:42 PM »
 :zoinks:

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Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #39 on: January 22, 2018, 10:38:32 PM »
I would have QV, but although the physical damage, according to the eye specialists I had to see for way too long and way too many damnably unpleasant examinations under the slit-lamp, has healed, my eyesight is not what it once was. And one eye was already bad, after a couple of childhood accidents with things that went 'boom' when I used to play about with that area of chemistry (although long-since retired, not in chemistry altogether of course, as anybody who knows me here knows, but with regards to explosives, long retired, for over a decade), plus once getting caustic in my 'good' eye, albeit not much of it thank fuck, most of it having reacted already, during a GHB synthesis as a kid, whilst just beginning to earn my wings. Childhood mistake, rapid exotherm whilst trying to shorten the duration of the saponification reaction of gamma-butyrolactone to GHB sodium, using an aqueous solvent mixture, so as to be able to evaporate the GHB solution more rapidly, hit me in the eye, and although washed out and compared to the pig-caused accident with a torrent of far, far stronger bases, in addition to hydroxides (and having no relation to GHB), and powerful enough to , hitting me at an upwards angle, to push the goggles up my head off my eyes, then forcefully blast the jet of pressurized searing-hot corrosive alkalis into the other eye..that did some lasting damage, and my eyesight, even after the cornea had the corrosive alkali-melted and superheated, pressurized dry steam jet-burnt portion heal again, it is no longer what it once was. So I did look, I just did not see what was there, until it was pointed out as being there, and my going back and looking harder.

Just didn't see it at first read, due to the small font.
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

Requiescat in pacem, Wolfish, beloved of Pyraxis.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #40 on: January 23, 2018, 08:02:48 AM »
Lestat, I was referring to myself.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #41 on: January 23, 2018, 07:37:17 PM »
 100 years ago an Appalachian woman enrolled her twins in kindergarten. "What are their  names?"  "Pishy and Gooey."   " O... K.. Could you ..um.. Spell that."   "Pyche and  Guy."   
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #42 on: January 23, 2018, 09:29:21 PM »
I don't get it.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a snake?

'have you EVER seen the word 'charming' after the word 'lawyer'

How do you stop a police officer drowning? Its easy, you just take your foot off the back of his head and if you are going to be generous, flush the toilet too.

Whats the difference between the bones of a policeman's firstborn baby and dental floss?

you can't pick your teeth with scraps of dental floss you've gnawed the flavour out of.

What is the best way to try and help a suicidal copper?
'hand him a razorblade and draw directions in marker pen to his major arteries :P

What do you get if you crossbreed a police officer and a firefighter? pork scratchings the first time there is a major industrial accident delivered by air, free of charge to your doorstep to munch on while the firework show is on. (no, I've nothing against firefighters, in my experience they have been good people. Even gave me a set of heavy-duty fire-smothering blankets, two sets, and after installing a carbon monoxide detector near the house gas boiler, they also were kind enough to, upon my request, give me another so I can use it in the lab if working with, or doing something that evolves CO as a byproduct, completely free of charge; so the joke isn't at their expense)
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

Requiescat in pacem, Wolfish, beloved of Pyraxis.

Offline Gopher Gary

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #43 on: January 23, 2018, 10:16:56 PM »
 :zoinks:


:gopher:

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #44 on: January 24, 2018, 12:42:21 AM »
 :lol1:
To me it looks like you're saying that banning bombs didn't stop bombs going off therefore there is no point to gun control because it's a mental health issue.