Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 102 times)

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Offline Queen Victoria

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GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« on: January 06, 2018, 08:54:55 PM »
I thought I'd share some clean joke just to lighten the mood.  I"ll be going through some humour/joke books I have so there may be a theme for a while until I get onto the next chapter.

A kindergartner student came to class and proudly announced, "We have a new baby at our house."  The teacher asked , "A little sister?"  "No." "So you have a baby brother!"  The girls face fell and she said, "Somebody told you."

Another kindergartner raced ino school and said, :My mother just had a new baby and it was born too soon, so they put it in the percolator."

Does anyone know what you call five babies born at once?  One little girl said, "Giblets."

A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Gopher Gary

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2018, 02:36:01 AM »
Oh! Oh! I want to play.  :orly:  I think everyone should have at least one joke, so they can whip it out in an emergency, in case the need for a joke telling should happen to come up. This is my emergency joke telling joke. I prefer to tell it person, because I like to get into character. So just imagine me fanning myself with whatever is handy as an impromptu fan prop, and understand that I perform an excellent southern drawl.  :green:

There's three young southern belles sitting on the veranda, sipping mint juleps, and bragging about how much their fathers love them and dote on them.

The first girl says: My daddy, he loves me so much, he bought me a fur coat.
The second girl says: Hmph.
And the third girls says: That's nice.

The second girls says: My daddy, he loves me so much, he bought me a diamond ring.
The first girl says: Hmph.
And the third girl says: That's nice.

They sit there for a minute or two, until they can't stand it anymore.
Then the first and second girl ask the third girl: Well, what did your daddy do for you?

The third girl says: My daddy, he loves me so much, he sent me to charm school. Now I don't say fuck you no more. I just say, that's nice.
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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2018, 08:42:12 AM »
A four year old girl proudly told the class how she helped her mother, "I bring her her nightgown in the mornings."

After listening to another girl boast about all the presents her daddy bought her, another child told the class, "I don't have a daddy.  None of us kids have a daddy.  Mymom just had to get her children the best way she could."

After a family reunion:  Last Sunday we had this big family party and my grandma drank so much beer that she fainted.
'
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2018, 11:52:55 AM »
One I heard on family guy and about the ONLY clean joke I know:

What are the three rings of marriage?

The engagement ring.
The wedding ring.
And the suffer-ring.

All the other jokes I know are filthy, extremely offensive, innuendo-laden, racist, or all of the above.

Althogh  I know ONE other cleanish joke.

A pretty girl walks into a cocktail bar and asks for an innuendo. So the barkeep gives her one.

Afraid that is about as clean as I can tell without a christmas cracker to hand, Yeah, I confess, my reservoir of jokes are near universally offensive and profane in the extreme and not uncommonly heretical either :P
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

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Offline Fun with matches

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2018, 12:02:33 PM »
I guess this would count, it made me lol!

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Offline Jack

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2018, 01:26:39 PM »
:laugh: That was good.

Offline Gopher Gary

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2018, 03:49:25 PM »
 :lol1:   :plus:
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Offline Al Swearengen

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 12:04:01 AM »
What is the difference between a bowl of lychees and a baby? If you try really hard you could eat a baby.
I don't want to hear it. Save your complaints to Odeon. Yes, we had decided to drop hostilities. No, I didnt expect that Odeon would do other than start shit again like he always does
You're not going to stick to "a handful people", are you? That would be stupid.
Damned if I won't respond.
So it's on again & you can lay the blame squarely at his feet. Little passive-aggressive bitch

Offline Gopher Gary

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #8 on: Yesterday at 09:16:46 PM »
Why did the blind man fall into the well?  :orly:


Because he couldn't see that well.   :zoinks:
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Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #9 on: Yesterday at 10:10:42 PM »
LOL Al.

But I think the two are almost even. The baby slightly harder though, because I don't like rare meat and as such would have to spend the time to cook the baby properly, and make up some of my special fly agaric and weapons-grade smoked savina habanero grade chili pepper based meat spice dusting and fly agaric marinade.

The lychees, oh god gimme some! I LOVE lychees, and longans, and rambutan. I especially like the texture thing you get with longans, where the wood-looking, but thin, bark-like rind bursts when you squeeze it hard and suddenly between the fingers, firing the longan into one's mouth in a burst of succulent flesh and sweet aromatic juice. Lovely.

And lychee juice....they sell it in big liter cartons here, and once I open one of those I rarely ever put it down with another mouthful in it. I often as not just open one and drain it in one long sweet, aromatic, delicious draught.


Here's a joke for y'all:

Whats the difference between a baby and a potato?

The potato doesn't scream when you bake it in the microwave until the skin starts to burst.
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

Requiescat in pacem, Wolfish, beloved of Pyraxis.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #10 on: Yesterday at 10:40:23 PM »
Little story from a Mennonite blog I read:


"I used to have these visions of a silvery boat floating in the window and it had maybe five people on it with bags of money, and I pictured them drifting over to my bed and carefully taking out the tooth and replacing it with some money."

She talked dreamily on but I was stuck on that silvery boat. Why on earth...?

I interrupted her. "Emily, why did you imagine a BOAT?"

"You know, the TOOTH FERRY."
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #11 on: Today at 10:15:08 AM »
Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

You don't get put on trial if you get caught putting pizza in the oven.
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

Requiescat in pacem, Wolfish, beloved of Pyraxis.

Online Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #12 on: Today at 01:55:43 PM »
Nothing says 'clean' like genocide jokes.