what are the lies trans people tell themselves and how do they hurt others?
this was a comment made by gary in the ridiculously happy thread but too long ago to pursue there.
They lie to themselves about who they are, and sometimes also their own sexuality. Living that lie is one thing, but inviting someone else to live it with them is another. Changing gender means changing into someone their spouse isn't physically attracted to, a different person than they married. It's a breach of trust they themselves have established, and at a base level. I guess I could have said they lie to their spouses, but it's my opinion they lie to themselves and have invited someone else to invest themselves in that. 
hm, i suppose that could be true. i met one in a practicum and another in another practicum and neither man wanted to be the woman they thought they were. One had been raised female by a family dominated by females. He presented poorly and might not have been lying when he said he just wanted to be a man. he wasn't clear on it and because it was a practicum i referred him out for long term therapy.
the other was without doubt the scariest client i've encountered, including those who threatened me with violence. He thought of himself as a cross dresser and that he was doing it for fun, but it had gotten to the point where his wife was unhappy (even though he wasn't stealing her underwear anymore) and he was unhappy as well, because the person he was cross dressed was spending all his money. He was also afraid that she wanted to take over completely. He asked to come in cross dressed. I consulted with my supervisor and he said OK.
When she came in it was clear that it was a case of dissociative identity disorder. She wasn't wearing that much makeup and she didn't look like him at all. I've only seen this phenomenon in two other people (also hair raising experiences). Even the voice was different. There was no sign of him at all. She talked about how inferior he was and how she deserved more time. She angrily stated her intent to kill him and left while i was consulting with my supervisor. I don't remember what we did about duty to warn but I never saw him again.
The other two were people whose faces clearly changed when they changed personalities. one showed me pics and i had to stop myself from saying that isn't you. the other had changes that looked like even the cheekbones changed, and the voice changed too, and without warning. one day i found myself talking to a six year old. neither person was aware of the differences in appearance or voice.
so trans people lying to themselves i think is complicated. it always feels worse when you're the spouse. you feel betrayed. you feel like the person you thought you knew is gone, and in their place is someone who has been concealing things from you and that maybe you shouldn't trust. you question your judgement. but maybe that person has been trying on the new identity, sparked by something on the news or that they read in a magazine or book that called to them and said, "this is you." there is no way of predicting when that will happen. or if after exploring and testing, they decide it's not them, and the person with whom they thought they would spend the rest of their life, and in whom
they invested themselves with is gone.
i am wholeheartedly on the side of the spouse whose SO knew and didn't say so when they got married or partnered or whatever. that's lying. but i think it's hard for both sides when it's a new discovery and they are both still in love and then what? i've heard this story not just about trans people but gay and bisexual people as well. i have to wonder on what the relationship was based if when the revelation is made, the first question (instead of 'wow, that's tough, how are you doing?'), is "how long have you known about this?" which to me is a thinly disguised " should i trust you anymore?"
my cousin came out as gay to his wife after some difficult soul searching. they stayed (sans sex) married and raised a child until he died of AIDS.
