OK. This is important because NO ONE has seen this performance. Bill didn't get a copy before he died, and his family and friends haven't seen it either. Obviously, Letterman wants to try and make amends esp. since it's coming up on the 15th anniversary of Bill's death, so now he figures it's safe to air this segment. To whet your appetites, I'm posting a rough transcript (based on Bill's memory of it) for you all to look at:
”Oh, hello. Good evening, folks.
”As I said, I’m very excited. I finally got my own show on TV, entitled Let’s Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus. I think it’s fairly self-explanatory. We’re kicking the whole series off with our M.C. Hammer/Marky Mark/Vanilla Ice Christmas special.
”You know, I consider myself a fairly open-minded person, but have you heard about these new grade-school books! One’s called Heather Has Two Mommies. The other one is Daddy’s New Roommate. I gotta draw the line here and say this is absolutely disgusting. Grotesque.
”I’m talking, of course, about Daddy’s New Roommate.
”Heather Has Two Mommies, on the other hand, is quite fetching. You know, they kiss in Chapter 4! Oooh! Go, mommies, go!
”You know what really bugs me these days! These pro-lifers. You ever look at them!”
A prune face, southern accent: “I’m pro-life.” “Boy, they look it, don’t they! They just exude joie de vivre. You just want to hang with them and play Trivial Pursuit all night long. If you’re so pro-life, do me a favor: Don’t lock arms and block medical clinics, lock arms and block cemeteries!”
”I was in Australia during Easter. They celebrate the same way we do—commemorating the death and Resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.
”You know, I’ve read the Bible. I can t find the words ‘bunny’ or ‘chocolate’ anywhere. Where do we get this stuff! No wonder we’re so messed up as a race. Like wearing crosses around your neck. Nice sentiment, but do you think, when Jesus comes back, he’s really gonna want to look at a cross! Maybe that’s why he hasn’t shown up yet.”
Jesus in Heaven: “I’m not going back, Dad. They’re still wearing crosses. They totally missed the point, Dad!”
The audience roars.
”Thank you very much.” Click. Seven minutes.
Applause. Whistles. Calls for more.
”Beautiful,” says Bill. He beams. “I appreciate that, folks.
Friday night, I did that set on Letterman. It was canceled because they felt you are too stupid to know that those were jokes. This is exactly what’s wrong with this country: Networks and politicians kowtowing to special-interest groups, to some guy in a trailer with a fuckin’ crayon in his hand, writing in chicken scrawl: I saw a guy talkin’ bad ‘bout Jesus on your show . I ain’t gonna tune in no mo’. Come on!
”The truth is, the majority of people are very reasonable. They don’t write letters when something offends them on TV. ‘Cause reasonable people know that IT’S JUST FUCKIN’ TELEVISION! And not only that, reasonable people HAVE A LIFE! They know I was not making fun of Jesus. They know I did not make fun of gays. What I made fun of is the double standard that exists in this fucking country.
”And you know, the worst thing of all is that I love the Letterman show.
They’ve always been very good to—well, to be honest, every single set I’ve ever done they’ve de-balled me, okay? And I put up with it because I love Dave Letterman. I’m beginning to realize: I’m in an abusive fuckin’ relationship.
”And do you want to know the punch line of this whole story?
” ‘Bill, we really love ya. We want you back on in a coupla weeks.’
”I don’t know if I can learn to juggle that fast.”
