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Job 24 Contemporary English Version

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Lucifer:
A message from the Metatron...
(look up Metatron, if you don't know what it means, you philistine).

dear McJagger -

it has come to my attention that your soul is in severe and urgent need of saving.

here at "Saving The Infinite Ministries" TM, we believe that your soul should be saved, nay preserved, and so i am writing to you in an attempt to facilitate this eventuality, without delay.

there are three levels of salvation (or preservererverence, as we like to call it):

a) the DIY option (cheap, but not recommended). to preservererve your own soul, drink regular and frequent infusions of cider, or the alcoholic drink of your choice. alcohol has been used for generations as a preserverer. we at Saving The Infinite Ministries (STIMTM) see no reason to eschew this traditional and practical method. we do, of course, regret that one of the contraindications with this method is cirrhosis of the liver, and/or death, via bag ladyness, losing all teeth and sense of personal hygiene, but one does gain the ability to rant on the philosophical nature of everything (unfortunately, we are still working on the ability of others to make any sense of these spiritual
proclamations, but then, only The Chosen ever understand stuff, so don't worry unduly about it).

b) the Economy option. you send us money, we send you the alcohol.

c) the Executive option. you send us more money: we send you posh alcohol, and chuck in a free cigar and lap dancer (for you to resist, of course *cough*).

d) the Deluxe option. you send us loads of money, and your soul is automatically saved, cos everyone at STIMTM knows that the unfeasibly rich will go straight to heaven/nirvana/eton/oxbridge anyway (and we wouldn't want to share heaven/nirvana etc. with any poor people, any more than
you do).

but what to do while you choose your option? - we at STIM understand that making the most important decision of your life (and death) might take you no little time. so how to Save That Soul while you ponder? of course, the simplest way is to use one of our patented Soul Bags - a neat and attractive bag, made from recycled materials (old condoms), and in a delightful assortment of colours - Purity Pink; Glad-I-Was-To-See-The-Lord Green; Hallelujah Horange; Beatific Blue; Resurrection Red, and Lovely-In-The-Eyes-Of-The-Lord-Are-All-My-Doings Lilac. just pop your soul into the bag, seal with our special, all purpose sealer, and your soul is kept fresh as the morning dew (from god's good wossname). no muss, no fuss and - most importantly - no unpleasant bending.

when you have chosen the option which best suits you, please reply to the usual address.

saving your soul is just a PM and a recycled condom away...

Halle-Peace-Be-Upon-You-Jesus-Loves-You-(but not if you're a fundie. or Alex.  or a moose)-Lleujah.

Der Metatron

McGiver:
i choose option d.
and i would request the right to criminal activity without reprocussion.
unlimited get out of jail free cards.
and more alcohol

Lucifer:
excellent choice, my dear boy, absolutely spiffing.

now, all you have to do is to send - via PayPal, if you like - the sum of loadsamoney to Alex Plan...  what the fuck am i saying??!!??

i mean, to STIMTM, and salvation shall be thine, yea, verily, even unto the seventh generation.

have we got a deal?  spit on it?

McGiver:
Acht-tooey.

Lucifer:
'kinell.  what the fuck have you been eating mcj?  yuck!

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